Control
by dontmissthis
Summary: Jane Rizzoli likes control. Why shouldn't she after all she's been through? When Maura Isles comes into her life, she has to see just how much control she's willing to give up, if any. Rizzles. Very angsty, as well.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. **

**A/N: This is dark. Kind of Angsty. If you want more, please review/message and let me know. I'm not too sure about it, so feedback would definitely help. I hope you like it!**

**xxxxxxxxx**

I can't help but notice the woman standing in front of the elevator muttering to herself. I've never seen her around here, but I can already tell she's something else. My eyes skim down the length of her body. She has long, curly blonde hair and the palest skin. Skin that I already know is perfect underneath the tight blue dress she's wearing and skin that would look _fucking great_ if I could make it a shade of pink. I shake my head to rid the thought and trail down to her legs. She's wearing heels taller than I've ever seen anyone wear, let alone walk in. It's the hottest thing I've ever seen.

"Ya new around here?"

She turns from the elevator quickly at my question, and I finally get a glimpse at her. She's fucking _beautiful_. Her eyes are the most intense color I have ever seen. I don't even know what to call them. Her mouth is small and shaped like a heart. I want to bite the hell out of those pink lips. I look lower and see the most perfect pair of tits on the fucking planet. Dear God, this woman has to know how sexy she is and she most definitely has to be lost. No one who looks like _that_ belongs here.

"Ah, uh… yes. Yes I am. It's my first day. How did you know?" I swear, I think she's nervous. Anyone who looks like this should not be nervous. Maybe it's just a game she likes to play so people actually think they have a shot in hell with her. Shit, I'd play that game if I looked like that.

"Just a lucky guess. I'm Detective Rizzoli, but you can call me Jane. Or Rizzoli. Whichever." I would stick out my hand for her to shake it, but after _Him_ no one has been allowed to touch my hands. Ever.

"Okay, Jane, it's wonderful to meet you," she says as she extended her arm for a handshake. Like I said, no one touches my hands. It's been five years, and it's not about to change now. So I reach out and place my hand on her shoulder. I give her a smile so she knows it's nothing personal. She probably thinks it's weird. Hell, I know it's weird.

"And you are…"

"Oh! Where are my manners? I'm Doctor Maura Isles. I'm the new medical examiner." I let out a laugh. After that dickhead examiner we had before, this is a real treat. Plus, I'll hopefully get to see her strut her stuff in those heels every day.

"Well, whaddaya know. Do you want me to show you around?" I mentally cross my fingers, hoping she'll say yes. She nods her head and I almost giggle. _Almost. _Like I said, there's something about this woman.

-/-

I turn the corner and enter the homicide department with Maura close behind. She hasn't said a word since she told me her name. I think she's nervous, but it sure as hell can't be because of me. I'm just a tall, lanky woman with too many issues. Being in a new place has to be why she's shakin' in her boots. Heels. Whatever. I make it my mission to make sure she's more at ease. I walk over to my former and current partner.

"Hey, you deadbeats, this is our new medical examiner, Maura Isles."

I roll my eyes as Frost and Korsak look up and immediately stare at her chest. A pang of jealousy—anger?—courses through me. I shake my head. She isn't mine, I have no reason to feel like this. I plaster on a smile and remember it's my mission to make her feel comfortable.

"Her eyes are up here, assholes." I let out a laugh to let them think I'm just kidding. They don't really know how fucked up I am, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Maura walks over to the desk where the men were sitting and extends her hand, first to Barry and then to Korsak. All I can do is stare at her 'too-perfect-to-be-real' ass. Frost catches me and I quickly look down at my phone.

"It's a pleasure to meet you both since we will be working closely together," she says as she tries to mask her nervousness that I can still hear. Another pang of jealousy. I know we are all gonna have to work together, but I'm hoping to be the only one getting really close to her.

"Ah, I see. Well I'm Barry Frost and this is Vince Korsak," said Barry with a smile. "I bet Jane's glad to finally have another lady around here…I'd hardly call her a lady, though," he teased. Or at least better be teasing. I roll my eyes and cross my arms.

"Ha, ha. Very funny." I tilt my head towards the door. "You wanna go down to the dungeon now?"

She narrows her eyes and tilts her head. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen and I swear if I wasn't so fucked up, I'd melt right now.

"The dungeon? I'm not very good with metaphors such as—" I start laughing. I don't mean to, but I just can't help it. I place my arm on her lower back and lead her out to the elevators.

"Yeah. The morgue." Her eyes light up and I can see she finally understands. She nods her head once again as we step into the elevator.

-/-

Maura's been working here a week and has already conned me into going to yoga this morning before work. I don't like that. I like to be in control. Since _He_ took it from me, I like to take it from other people. It's just how my sick mind works. I know I could get out of going if I _really _wanted to, but I'm not. Ever since I realized I _am_ the reason she gets nervous, I've tried to be around her as much as I can. I know it's sick and twisted. I do. But the way she can't even act normal and goes all dictionary-flip-out on me, turns me on. I like the fact that she can't even control herself because she's so nervous. I know I should back down, back away. It's only been a week, but I can tell she's into me. And I can already tell she deserves more than I can give her. But like I said, I'm a little fucked up and there's no way I can back down now.

I hear the doorbell ring and I get up from the couch and go to the door. I open it and find Maura—impeccable, as always—dressed in the tightest yoga pants I have ever seen and a sports bra. I feel a little silly in my sweatpants and tshirt, but _He_ left marks on me that not a whole lot of people know about, and I'd rather keep it that way. I give her a smile and step aside so she can walk in.

"Just let me grab my bag and we can go." I walk over to my blue, ratty-ass bag and pick it up. I know she'd die if she ever had to fold her work clothes and shove 'em into something like this. She's a freak about wrinkles so I already know what's coming.

"Jane, are your _work_ clothes in that bag? They're going to be…_wrinkled."_ I look over and she's all wide-eyed. I'm afraid she's about to flip the hell out so I give her my grade-A Rizzoli smile and shrug. I like control in my life, so if I want to wear wrinkled clothes today…so be it. I'll be damned if I bring an iron because someone wants me to. No, no. It doesn't work that way. Not for me, anyway.

"Yeah, Maura. They're in there, and no. You can't make me bring an iron." She lets out an exasperated puff and heads to the door.

"Fine, Jane. Have it your way." Damn straight, I'll have it my way. 'Cause that's the way I like it and not even _Maura Isles_ can change it.

-/-

I forgot about having to take a shower after yoga. I'm standing here trying to wait on Maura to undress in the locker room and head over to the shower first like I told her to, but it's not gonna happen. I can tell. She's standing there in her sports bra and a pair of lacy-ass underwear that I just wanna rip off, looking at me. Waiting on me. It's like she's fucking scared to go alone. Or scared that she'll have to walk into work with an unshowered Jane Rizzoli.

"Jane?"

Damnit. She's gonna wait on me. She knows about the scars on my hands. She hasn't tried to touch them, but I catch her looking sometimes. I can't tell if she's too polite or too scared to ask me about them, but I'm glad she doesn't. So maybe I can get by without her saying anything about my other ones. Maybe. I shrug off my loose sweat pants, and I can already tell she's looking at the raised-up scars across the back of my thighs. I try my best not to look at her and turn beet red. Dear God, I don't even know what she's gonna say about my back. At least she's had the decency to pretend she's pulling out our towels. I pull off my shirt in one swift-as-hell move and I hear her gasp. It's barely audible, but since I was expecting it, I hear it. Seventeen whip-scars Criss-cross my back. Like fucking lattice. They're raised and still a little red against my tan skin. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit. If only she had listened and walked over to the shower before me, she wouldn't have seen it. It's gotten me a little more than pissed off. Like I said, I love to be in control. This is definitely not me being in control. I reach over and grab the towel from her arms and slink off to the showers. I refuse to look at her face. I know what I'll see. Pity. And I don't need anyone's pity. Fuck this. I'm in the shower before she's even had a chance to move.

-/-

It's four o'clock and I still haven't spoken to her. We drove all the way to work in silence and split off at the elevators without so much as a goodbye, thanks, see ya later. I can't tell if she's disgusted or just too scared to talk. I don't even give a fuck. I'll talk to her when _I _decide to talk to her. I know it's awful, but I don't care. Okay, yes I do. Maybe a little. Which is…weird. I normally have no problem shutting people out when they piss me off. But, Maura's different. I knew there was something about her. I thought she'd be nice and compliant, but no. Under that polite exterior, she's as bossy as they come. Almost as bossy as me. I've always hated things I can't control. But with her… I'm a little turned on that she doesn't come running to my every beck and call—even if it pisses me off. For once, it doesn't make me feel like I'm stuck in that basement giving all my control over to _Him. _Do I want her to defy me all the time? No. I still want my control. I _need_ it, even. But, sometimes it's okay. Only with her, though. And that scares the hell out of me.

-/-

It's been two days since that damn yoga incident and I still haven't talked to her. It's not like she hasn't tried. I'll be damned if she hasn't called me at least five times. And it's not that I don't wanna talk to her, it's that I do. I wanna hang out with her, even. But, I want to be the one that decides when. And how. I'm also kinda scared that she'll tell me no. And I don't like being told no. I said it to _that bastard_ hundreds of times and he didn't listen. So why should I have to listen to anyone saying it to me? So if she says no, I'll just have to convince her to say yes. And that'll be that. I'll get my way, I'm sure of it.

Even though it's six on a Friday evening, I pick up my phone to call her. I'm banking on the fact that she either won't have plans or will drop them for me. We've only known each other a little over a week, but she's into me so I'm pretty sure she'd change her plans. She answers on the second ring and I'm just a little relieved. She better not say no. I won't like that at all.

"Hello, Jane." The way she says my name almost kills me. I want to hear her scream it. But, I know I can't give her what she wants so I haven't caved. Yet.

"Hey, Maur… What are you doing tonight?" I swear I'll lose it if she says no. I won't like that at all.

"Hmm…" I hear the hesitation in her voice and I stop breathing. She can't say no.

"I was planning on watching a documentary about the Dogon tribe of Sub-Saharan Africa…Unless you'd like to do something else instead?" She wants it. And by it, I mean she wants me to get her naked. I can hear it in her voice. And as much as I want to, I know she deserves more. But, I just can't seem to keep myself away.

"Let's go out and have a few drinks at the Robber. I'll come pick you up in an hour." I make sure to tell her, not ask. I have to let her know _I'm_ in charge and _I'm _making the plans. No one walks over Jane Rizzoli.

"Okay!" I can hear the smile in her voice like I've just offered to buy her a Lamborghini to drive her down Sunset Boulevard while hand-feeding her chocolate strawberries. Fuck, she's into me. I already know it's going to be hard to remember that she deserves more.

-/-

**More? Yes/No? Please let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, sadly. **

**A/N: Thanks for the feedback I have gotten so far! If you'd like to see anything please let me know (: And review, as always! X**

**-/-**

She opens the door after my second knock and I'll be damned if she hasn't got me standing here with my jaw on the ground. I text her and told her to dress causal, but of course her idea of casual and mine very fucking different. She's wearing this low-cut black dress that shows off just enough tit and leg to turn me on. Which means everyone else at the bar is gonna hit on her and I'm gonna get insanely jealous. I _hate _being jealous. I think maybe she did it on purpose just to see me squirm. I don't like playing games. They never end well. I look down and I see heels taller than any of the ones she's worn before. I don't even know how she's standing in them right now. She's almost taller than me. _Almost._ I'm fucking glad she isn't. Being tall works to my advantage. I feel more in control when people have to look up at me. It's a good thing she's short or those shoes would definitely have taken that away from me. I wouldn't have liked that. I look up and I see her smiling that smile that she hasn't given to anyone but me since she's been here. Yeah, she knows what she's doing to me. And I can't tell if I like it or if I wanna fucking scream cause she's having this effect on me. An effect I can't control.

"Hey, you ready to go?"

She nods her head and comes on out. I smile behind her back as she locks the door. She may look fucking hot, but I still make her nervous as hell. This is gonna be one interesting night if she's too anxious to get one damn word out.

I walk over to the passenger side of the car and open the door for her so she can get in. Do friends do this? I honestly don't know. I haven't had any friends besides my partners since all that stuff with _him. _I know I want her in a more than friendly kind of way. But I know I'm not good enough for her. I can't give her what she wants. If this is leading her on…I guess I feel kinda bad about it. But, not really. At least I'm in control this way. Since I'm leading her on, I can have her whenever I _decide _to have her. And I like having the option to have her whenever I please, even if I never do.

She gets in and I shut the door and walk around to my side and hop in. She's sitting there twirling her ring around her finger like it's the only thing reminding her to breathe. I give her a smile and she gives me this anxious-as-hell smile back. I like having this effect on her. I fucking love it. Tonight's gonna be fun. I can already tell.

**-/-**

Fuck was I wrong about Maura not being able to talk. Give her four glasses of cheap ass Cabernet and she's the next Chatty fucking Cathy. I've listened to everything from herpes research to the invention of lollipops. She's seriously better than any fucking dictionary I could ever buy. It's cute and I like it. And that's weird as hell because Jane Rizzoli doesn't do 'cute' or anyone associated with it. Like I said, there's something about her.

"The first of four orbital test flights occurred in 1981 leading to operational flights beginning in 1982, all launched from the…" I look up and catch her gaze as she trails off and I know what's fucking coming. Shit, I really hope I'm wrong. I don't want her to ask me about my scars. I don't like talking about it unless it's on _my _terms. And telling a drunken Maura Isles is not how I intend on spilling my guts. _If _I ever decide to tell her.

"Do you know how beautiful you are, Jane?" Whoa. Wait. What? I_ really_ wasn't expecting that.

"I, uh… you're drunk, Maura." I don't even know how to answer that question. I don't think I've ever heard anyone call me beautiful except my mother. But, I have to admit it's kind of nice when it's rolling off someone like Maura Isles' tongue.

"I'm only on my fourth glass of wine. My inhibitions may be lowered, but I can assure you that I am not inebriated, Jane." She looks hurt that I told her she was drunk. Or maybe that I don't believe her. Who knows. I look down at my phone and it's already 11 o'clock. Holy shit, I don't ever remember being able to actually _talk _to a girl for more than 30 minutes before I ran off and fucked her. This is a first for me. And I like it. I give her a smile in place of an apology. I'm not one to ever say 'I'm sorry.' It's not how I am. I can see her face light up just a little bit and I'm ready to go before she gets brave and asks me anything else.

"It's getting kind of late. Let's go."

Once again, I make sure to tell her and not ask. I don't like asking. Questions often turn into some kind of fucking negotiation and I don't do negotiations. I'm the one in control and I make sure everyone knows. But before she can even say set down her glass, some guy comes waltzing over to our table like it's his god-given right to do so. I can already feel my temper flair. I know what's coming and I don't fucking like it. But I can't show my ass here, so I just sit back and watch. She glances over at me and I can only hope she doesn't see the death glare I'm giving him. I don't need her to know just how fucked up I am quite yet.

He's attractive, I'll give him that much. But I would be able to see his cockiness from fucking Japan. I hope Maura can tell, but since she's stuck around with me I just don't know. Someone would either have to be crazy or naïve to put up with all my shit. He walks over to her side of the booth and stands in front of her. He gives her a smile with the straightest, whitest teeth I have ever seen on a man. Holy shit, she's not gonna be able to say no to him. If I wasn't so into women, I probably wouldn't be able to say no either. Holy fucking shit, I'm pissed. Who is he to think he can come over here and take her? No. I'm in control. Not him. Even though she isn't mine yet, I like to think that she will be. She better turn him down.

"Hey, uh… I was wondering if I could buy you a drink?" Shit. I knew it was coming. His eyes are dancing because he's absolutely fucking sure she's going to say yes. Hell, I'm sure she's going to say yes. And I'm fucking pissed. She's not mine so I can't make her say no. I hate things that are out of my control.

She gives him her 'oh that's so sweet, but no' smile and I swear to God I almost fucking pass out in the booth. "Well, I am here with someone else so I'll have to decline. Thank you for the offer, though. It was very kind."

I almost start laughing out loud. He looks like someone just smacked him across the face and called him a pussy. He mumbles something about having to go find his brother and walks off. I look up and Maura's looking at me like she deserves a fucking award. I mean, she probably does actually for putting my fucked-up self over a guy she could've made picture perfect children with cause they both look so damn great.

"It's time to go?" I nod my head and get out of my side. I make sure to help her out, too. The least she deserves is a hand getting out. Well, metaphorical hand. I'm still not gonna let her touch them. I may not be able to control everything, but that's the one thing I'm certain I can. I'm not ever going to give that up.

-/-

I help her out of the car and walk her up to the house because it feels like the polite thing to do, though I know I'm far from it. She gets out and almost trips over a nonexistent crack in the sidewalk. Not inebriated, my ass. I mean she's not drunk, drunk. But she's pretty tipsy, I can tell. She's trying her best not to stumble around and I'm afraid she's gonna plow face first into the ground. I can at least keep her from doing that so I wrap my arm around her waist and help her inside. I help her to the couch and sit her down so she can take off those 'fuck me' pumps I'm dying to literally fuck her in. But I'm not what she needs. She deserves more. And I can already tell I can't take what _I_ need from her. She looks up at me and I feel her stare all the way down in my damn toes. Fuck, she wants me. And shit, I know I want her. But it won't be the way she thinks it will and I know I'll scare her the fuck away. I can't have that. I like control. I can't control things if she takes off running for the hills after she knows my level of crazy.

She licks her lips and it's all I can do not to lean down and bite the hell out of them.

"Kiss me, Jane." Hell no. No one tells _me_ what to do. No one tells _me _to kiss them. I do the telling. I won't have this. It has to be my way or no way at all.

"No." I say it harshly, maybe a little too harsh. Kind of like I'm appalled that she wants to. But I'm far from appalled. Like I said, I just have to have it my way or no way at all.

She looks down from my face to the floor and I swear if she cries I'll lose my shit. I hate when girls cry unless I want them to cry. She better not cry. I lift her face back up with my finger under her chin. Her eyes are watering but she's doing an Oscar-worthy job of not letting any fall. She searches my face, trying to find a sign of something. _Anything. _But I know I'm too good to give anything away unless I want to. I can't let everyone who dares to look at me know just how sick and twisted I am.

"You deserve more than anything I can give you, Maura. Maybe I'll let you know why one day. Maybe not." She goes to talk but I make sure to cut her off. Like I said, I'm in control and I don't do negotiations.

"Maybe I'll take you up on that offer one day. Maybe I won't. But _if _I ever do… it'll be up to me, understand?''

I try to make my voice soft but stern at the same time. She needs to know I'm not mad, but I mean it when I say it has to be up to me. I guess I come across pretty clear because she nods her head and gives me a smile. Not the 'only for you, Jane' smile that I fucking love to see, but a smile that shows she gets it. Well, gets what I'm saying. Not why I'm saying it. I reach down and squeeze her shoulder. I don't do hugs or superfluous shows of endearment. Not since _him. _And I doubt that'll ever change. She reaches up to put her hand on mine but I jerk it away before she can. I see the flash of hurt in her eyes, but I don't even fucking care. No one touches my hands. Not even Maura Isles, the first woman I have ever decided deserved more than what I can give. I see the hurt flash in her eyes, but she quickly covers it up.

"Goodnight, Jane."

"G'night."

I turn to walk out the door and don't look back. I can't let her know the effect she's having on me. It scares the hell out of me. I have to wholly control everyone that's ever been mine. And I've never even cared about any of those. They were as disposable as an old BIC razor. I can't even imagine what I'll do if I ever decide to take Maura up on her offer. I can already tell she's not disposable. I can already tell that I would actually care about her. I hate not being able to keep my own damn emotions in check. Once again, I'm back to letting someone else control the way I feel. But this time I can't tell if I hate it or if I fucking love it. Like I said, there's something about that woman.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all. **

**A/N: I'd like to address the fact that Jane is going to be terribly OOC in this fic because of various reasons. It's definitely AU and you'll find out more as you go along. Please keep it up with the feedback, I always tend to slow down with my writing when the reviews slow. It's not an intentional thing, they just seriously keep me motivated! Also, please give me any kind of situation you'd like to see them in. It can crazy as hell. I'll still try to work it in. Thanks and I hope you enjoy (;**

It's been a week since Maura told me to kiss her and I ran away like the pussy that I am when it comes to giving up my control. Maura's had the decency not to bring it up, so we just keep having eye-sex like there's no fucking tomorrow. God, I want her. I really, really do. I've never wanted anyone as much as I do her, before or after _He _came along and royally fucked me up. If she had come before _Him, _I would've said yes when she asked me to kiss her. I would've been able to say yes because I would've been able to give her everything she deserves. Hell, I'd fucking make sure she knew how fucking perfect she was every minute of every fucking day. But not now. No. I can't bring myself to fall head over heels. And I know that I'm tempted to do just that with her. But, I can't lose control like that. I can't. It'd be too much for me to handle.

I get out of my car and start walking to the edge of the water where Maura's getting ready to put on a pair of yellow waders. I imagine how much she's gonna look like a giant banana in those things and laugh to myself as I realize she's still going make them look sexier than anything I own. She insists on walking out four or five feet into the water to get to our floater. Something about preserving the most evidence that way. Fuck if I know. It makes a shit ton more sense to have our guys bring the body _in_, but oh well. She's just weird like that. And at least I'm here to watch and make sure she's alright. When I finally get over to her she looks up and me and gives me one of those damn megawatt smiles that she reserves only for me. It lights up her eyes to where they're damn near glowing and I can even see the faintest of lines around her mouth.

"Hello, Jane." I give her a smile that I couldn't even hide if I wanted to.

"Hey, Maur. Still not gonna let them bring the body in first?" She lets out a giggle that I'd be a damn fool to not wanna record it so I could listen to it forever.

"No, Jane. I'm still going out to the body. It preserves the—" She places her hand on my shoulder to steady herself as she steps into the waders and I involuntarily tense up like a damn plank. She stops talking as she realizes what she's done and looks me in the eye for a sign that she should move her hand. I'd be the biggest fucking jerk on the planet if I wouldn't help her into these damn things. I swear they gave her the pair they ordered for Jerry—a guy well over six foot and 350 pounds. I give her a nod and a smile that wouldn't even fool a blind person. She finishes stepping in them before removing her hand. She stands there looking at me like she has a million things she wants to ask me. Hell, she has to have at least that many since I act the way I do.

I look away from her out to the water and start twirling a curl of my hair.

"That's a sign of sexual frustration, Jane."

I start laughing and turn back around to face her. She's smirking like the fucking cat that ate the canary. She knows what she does to me. I look her straight in the eye and I guess I look damn near predatory, 'cause her eyes dilate and almost turn black. I'd respond with some sarcastic ass comeback to deflect my obvious sexual desire, but there's no use. She can see right through it.

"We should talk. My place at seven." If I'm gonna spill my guts—if only a little bit—I at least want to have control over where I do it at. And I know I'll at least be more comfortable doing it in my own shitty apartment. I look back over to her and she gives me a smile and nods.

"Seven it is."

-/-

My doorbell rings at exactly seven o'clock. I vaguely wonder if she stood outside and waited for the exact time I told her to come as I walk to the door. She seems like the type that would do that. I open the door and there she stands in a pair of tight as hell yoga pants and a baggy sweatshirt. To say I'm shocked would be the biggest fucking understatement of my life. A pang of jealousy hits me as I wonder if that sweatshirt belongs to one of her exes. Maura Isles doesn't seem like the type to own anything that slouchy. Even if it's still sexy as hell. I shake it off. That doesn't matter. Even I'm not fucked up enough to believe I could control someone's past. I'm pretty sure she wore it to make me feel more at ease. I'm actually really fucking grateful because it actually does, if only a little. Although, I'm not gonna say that out loud.

"Come in." I give her a smile and step far enough aside so she doesn't have to brush against me as she walks in. I shut the door and walk over to the counter where I have a bottle of wine. I know that's what she likes so that's what I bought. The smile she gives me is worth the 95 dollars it set me back. I pour her a glass and grab a beer for myself. I lead her over to the couch and we both sit down. I'm close enough to feel the heat rolling off her body, but far enough away that we aren't touching.

The TV is on, but somehow the silence is agonizing. I know she's not going to say anything first because, hell, she's Maura fucking Isles and I'm pretty sure she's telepathic sometimes. She knows I need to have this conversation my way, on my terms. I take a sip of my beer to wet my throat before I finally get up the courage to speak. It isn't every day that I have this conversation. Shit, the only time I've ever had to have this conversation was when I had to explain what _He_ did to me so I could be cleared for work. This isn't something I take lightly. And I sure as hell can't believe I'm telling someone I've known for less than a month.

Actually…that's not even how I'm gonna go about it. I hate asking other people questions because it ends up in some huge ass debate, but I have no problem with being asked questions. I can reveal as little or as much as I want. I want to turn my whole body on the couch to face her, but I feel like that'd be too vulnerable. I don't do vulnerable. Not since _Him. _I turn my face to her and she automatically looks back at me. Like she could feel the damn particles in the air change when I started to move my head. I look in her eyes and I'm not quite sure what I see. I think mainly it's curiosity, but I know it's a whole lot more too.

"I don't normally open up to people. I don't even know where to start. So…I'm going to let you ask me two questions. Anything you want…" She's nodding her head and I can tell she understands how serious this is. How I'm not even close to joking around. "I promise to answer them. Completely? No, probably not. But I won't lie about anything." I know my promise probably doesn't mean shit to her since she hasn't known me for a month yet, but hell. It's the best I can do to prove that I won't flat-out lie to her. Leave out some things, probably. But I won't tell her any lies.

She tilts her head and I can see the wheels turning. I know two questions aren't enough to sort out my level of fucked up, but it's two more than I've ever given anyone else. She turns her whole body to face me and I catch a whiff of vanilla. She opens her mouth to speak and I'm prepared for the fucking worst.

"What parts of your body am I not allowed to touch? I've noticed certain things make you seem uncomfortable...I don't wish to make you uncomfortable, Jane." She says it in the most sincere tone anyone's ever given me. I know she isn't mocking me. I can tell she just really wants to know. I sigh a breath of relief. She didn't ask _why_ she couldn't touch certain places, just _where_ she couldn't touch. Then I remember she still has one more question and I'm not so at ease. Might as well answer this one first and get it the hell over with.

I turn my head and look over at her. She's sitting there patiently like we have all the time in the world. And I like that. I like how she's giving me the control on when I'd like to answer it. I realize I've sat here long enough so I sit down my beer and hold up my hands. Turning them over and back in front of her. She takes the chance I'm giving her and looks at them more closely than I've let her so far.

"My hands. I don't like anyone touching them." Hell, I don't even like showing them to people. But since she didn't ask and it was my idea, I'm okay with it this time.

She nods her head and her eyes follow my hands back to where I rest them on my lap. "I don't like people touching my back. You've already seen that, though…" Her expression changes and she looks almost shy.

"I'm very sorry about that. I…" Her voice is a whisper now and she looks away. She starts wringing her hands and I can tell she's already thinking of another question.

She looks back and her eyes are brimming with tears. Most women lose a little of their appeal when they're on the brink of losing it. But not Maura. She even makes crying look beautiful. Well, almost crying. She's holding those tears in like they're her saving grace.

"Why wouldn't you kiss me? I'm not very good with social cues. Atrocious, actually. Have I…Have I been misreading the signals?" She bites her lip and looks away again. "I'm sorry, that was three questions…"

I give out a small laugh. I'm a control freak with a capital C and I didn't even register that she had asked three. I was too consumed with how beautiful she looked. With how I wanted more with her than I've wanted with anyone. If only I wasn't so fucked up. If only I could be what she deserved. I wave my hand in the air, brushing off her apology. I do turn my body to face her now. She at least deserves to see me when I answer. Hopefully she picks up on the sincerity in my eyes.

"No. You haven't misread any of the signals. I just…" I reach over and run my fingers down her arm. I need to feel her. I need her to know that I'm not just making up some bullshit excuses. I need her to feel what I'm saying because I'm terrible with words. I can only hope she picks up the depth of what I'm saying.

"I need control in my life, Maura. In all aspects of it. I look at you and…and I can tell that it wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of you. I'd like to be with you. I would. It's just…you deserve so much more than I can give you."

I reach up and wipe away a tear that finally escaped and rolled down her cheek. She leans into my hand and I revel in the feel of her soft skin, of the warmth. Because I know I might not ever let myself be anything more to her. She can do so much better than me, even if she doesn't know it yet. The corners of her mouth turn up in a small smile. I'd love to kiss them. Feel them. I look back up at her eyes and I can tell she's thinking about something.

"You can tell me, Maura. Ask me, even. You already shot to hell my 'Two Question Rule' so go ahead." I say it with a smile so she knows I'm not pissed. I pull my hand back into my lap.

"Jane, I respect that you think I deserve more than you can give me. I won't refute it since I have no way of knowing what I deserve or what you can give. But, I do want you to know that I'd like to have whatever you _can_ give me, whenever you decide you can give it to me. I don't want to pressure you…I'm going to let you decide _if _and _when_," she smiles as she throws my words back into my face, "The pace is up to you, Jane. You're in control of whatever we may or may not become."

Maura fucking Isles, ladies and gentlemen. She has to be telepathic or clairvoyant or something. To know I thrive on control—to know I _need _it—without me even telling her speaks volumes. I fucking love it. But I'm scared, too. I'm scared because I can tell Maura Isles would be the one to help me. The one to save me from myself. I'm not so sure I'm ready for that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I still don't own. :/**

**A/N: Thanks for the feedback! I'm really glad that people like this. I'm not going to go into the work aspect of Jane's life very much just because I'm horrible at writing cases to solve. But thanks for reading and keep those reviews coming! **

**I'm not so sure about this chapter. Too much? Too soon? Too cheesy? Ahh, let me know. xxxx**

I haven't had a chance to talk to Maura outside of work since she came over to my house four days ago. It's been a rough week, to say the least. There's something going on tonight that I've been to every year since my run in with _Him._ I've never shared it with anyone. It's the one thing that I feel like is all mine. It's childish, I know. But it reminds me of my childhood. Of better times. It's like every bad thing that's ever happened to me disappears—if only for the few hours I'm there. I'm afraid to share it with anyone. I don't want anyone to find out and ruin my badass reputation. But mostly, I don't want to bring someone that I'll remember taking every time I go even when they're not with me. To taint it with memories of people that ran away from my crazy-ass self. But today I decided I want to bring Maura. To share it with her. So every year I go, I can remember her being with me. Even if she decides I'm too fucked up and doesn't come back next year. At least I'll still remember taking her. I really hope she says yes.

**-/-**

I look over to the passenger seat and see Maura giving me that 'Jane-Rizzoli-only' smile that I love. I told Maura not to wear her best clothes because they probably wouldn't fare too well with where we are going. She listened, but I'm still pretty sure her outfit costs more than I spend on clothes in a year. She's wearing a thin, cream dress with a little lace work around the edges and cream wedges that make her legs look a mile long. It's a simple outfit, and she looks everything but. I haven't told her where we are going and I can tell she's nervous. Excited, but nervous. She keeps smiling at me and twirling her ring around her finger until we finally pull up. She looks over at me and her eyes are dancing like a little kid's after they've been told they can stay up past their bedtime.

"Have you ever been, Maura?"

Still smiling, she shakes her head. "No, I haven't. I always wanted to go, but my parents were always very busy. Traveling and such…"

I can see a brief flash of sadness in her eyes. I don't like that. Her past is out of my control. Her present isn't though, so I'm determined to make sure she's happy in the here and now.

"Alright, well let's go. You'll love it."

I get out and walk over to her side of the car and open the door. I really wish I could get over myself and hold her hand. I really do. But, I can't. I'll feel weak, vulnerable. Instead, I wrap my arm around her waist as we walk up to the ticket booth. I buy our tickets even though Maura probably has more money than I could make in three lifetimes. I don't like it when other people pay for me. I feel indebted to them…like I owe them something. It takes away my feeling of control. I hate that. I look over at Maura and she's still smiling at me like I hung the moon.

"Come on, you have to see this." I walk us over to the Ferris Wheel and give our tickets to the man. I let Maura climb in first so I'm closer to the opening. I may come here every year, but that still doesn't mean I think it's completely safe. I'd rather not have her fall out when we're at the top.

"I've never been on one of these before, Jane," she whispers and looks over at me.

I start smiling because I know she's a little bit scared and a whole lotta excited, even though she's trying to cover it up with a whisper. I give her forearm a reassuring squeeze which causes goosebumps to trail up her arm.

"Just wait till we get to the top," I tell her with a wink. I hope she loves it as much as I do.

The seat we're in jerks as it starts to move up and she reaches out and grabs my bicep. I have no problem with her touching me there and she knows it, so she clings onto me for dear life with her eyes closed until we stop at the very top. It's a dark, clear night so the lights are breathtaking. They make you lose yourself. They make you forget about your shitty-ass day to day problems. I love being here.

"Open your eyes, Maura. It's the best part." She slowly opens her eyes and I hear her breath catch. She starts stroking my arm absentmindedly.

"It looks so…the city...look at the lights, Jane. It's beautiful." She's beaming now. I don't think I've seen anything more beautiful than she is right now. Wind tousled hair really works for her.

I'm looking straight at her when I reply.

"Yes, it is."

And I mean it. More than I've ever meant anything in my entire fucking life. I brush my fingers across the far side of her forehead and down her cheek before pulling her face to look at me. Her lips automatically part. I know she wants to kiss me. Hell, I want to kiss her. But, I can't. I'm not ready. I haven't kissed anyone outside the bedroom since before _He _came around. It's just a means to an end, a force of habit to me. Or has been. I want that to change. I want to change it for Maura. But, I'm not ready to go there and neither is she. She might think she is, but she isn't even close to prepared for my level of crazy. I don't want to kiss her now and scare her off tomorrow. I want her to see how I am, see how much of a fucking control freak I really am. And if she still wants me then, we'll see.

After almost a full minute of me just stroking her cheek with my thumb in silence, she lets out a little laugh.

"I bet you say that to all the girls you bring up here."

I can tell she's joking, but I also know she kind of isn't. I want to keep it light, but I know I can't. I want her to know how much it took for me to bring her here. I want her to know how big of a deal this is for me. I want her to know that I'm really trying. That I'm really trying, for her.

We start to descend and I know I have to get this out before I get to the ground or I never will. Once we get to the ground I know if I say this, she might ask me questions. I like knowing that this conversation will end when the ride does.

"No, Maura, I don't. I've never brought anyone with me before. This is a first for me…I'm glad you came with me."

Her eyes mist over so I can tell she knows how big of a leap this was for me. She gives me one of her famous grins and puts her hand up over her heart. That doesn't even look cheesy on Maura like it does on most girls.

"No. Thank you, Jane, for bringing me."

She keeps her answer simple, even though it's really not. She doesn't say 'thank you for asking me to come' or 'letting me come,' she says 'bringing me.' And that's exactly what I did. She knows I don't like to ask things that I can be told no to. She doesn't pretend that I'm normal. She knows I need the control and she willingly lets me have it. I can tell right now that I want Maura to be the one that breaks me down to the ground and builds me up again. I know it's going to take a while. I know it won't be easy. But for the first time in five years, I'm going to try. I'm going to try and let go of some of that control. And I'm going to let Maura be the one who helps me. Like I said, there's something about her.

I reach over and squeeze her hand with mine, quickly. So quickly that if she wasn't looking at our hands, she would've thought she imagined it. She lets out a small gasp before breaking out in a smile 39848 times better than a 'Jane-Rizzoli-only' smile. My hands are shaking and I feel a little nauseous since it's the first time in five years anyone's hands have ever came in contact with mine. But that smile…that smile is definitely worth it. I know I'm not ready to do anything else out of my comfort zone. No, it's much too soon. I don't even know if I'll be ready to do something as simple as _that _again anytime soon. But, I know that's okay. The look in Maura's eyes lets me know that she understands. It lets me know that she gets how big of a fucking deal that was and that she's willing to wait her entire life to let me do it again. That smile makes my hands shake a little bit less and I can tell that she's definitely the one that's gonna break me. That she's definitely the one that's going to build me back up again. Build me back into someone better than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm scared as hell and I know it's going to take a long ass time and I'm gonna fail more times than I can count. But if it means I can see that smile for the rest of my life, I'm ready.

-/-


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**A/N: I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with this chapter. Let me know what you think. I've written some for the future of this fic and I can't wait till we get to them! Yay! Thank you so much for all the reviews. Keep 'em coming! Xx**

Maura's sick. Like 'had to leave work early' kind of sick. For her to leave early, she has to be feeling pretty bad. She's just as much of a control freak about her job as I am about everything else. I hate that I can't do anything to protect her from this. I hate that this is out of my hands. Making her feel better and more comfortable _is _something that's I can ensure, however; so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I told her I would come by after work today to make sure she's okay. I've been to her house a few times to pick her up, but never really inside. Not other than the time I helped her inside after we went out for drinks, but I wasn't exactly looking at her home décor then…if you know what I'm saying.

Her door is unlocked so I walk right inside. I hate that. It's eight o'clock at night, any sick fuck could just waltz right in. It's not safe and I don't like it. I'll have to talk to her about that some other time. I don't think it'd be very wise to dump my overbearing ways onto a sick Maura Isles. That's definitely not fair to her. I'm here to make her feel better, not worse.

I walk through her huge as hell living room and make my way upstairs. It's hit or miss as to which of the 5435 doors is her bedroom, but I go with my gut and pick the last one on the left. I open the door and I'll be damned if I wasn't right. Only, once I see Maura curled up in a ball under the covers, my joy at being right kind of dies down. I brush my fingers across her forehead and it feels abnormally hot. Her eyes flutter open as soon as I move my hand. They're bloodshot and red. She has absolutely no makeup on and her hair is all over the place. And yet, she still looks better with the flu than any healthy person I've ever seen. I don't get how she does it. I really fucking don't.

"Hey," she manages to whisper out even though I can tell from the sound of her voice that her throat must feel like fucking sandpaper. She goes to sit up, but I gently push her back down against the pillows and sit on the edge of the bed by her waist. Like I said, I want to make her more comfortable. And it doesn't hurt that I feel more in control with her looking up at me, rather than eye to eye.

"Hey, yourself. How do you feel?" I reach up and brush a strand of hair that had gotten caught on her lip off her face.

She lets out a weak smile. She has got to be feeling like shit. "Not as well as I normally feel. Although, that is to be expected with influenza."

I let out a small chuckle. "Right. Do you need me to get you anything?"

She looks down at her hands like she's searching for the words. She's probably thinking about how in the hell she's gonna go about telling a control freak what to do. And in any other situation, it would be right to do so. I hate being told what to do. It's not how I work. I don't feel in charge that way. But this is Maura. And she's sick. I want to do whatever will make her feel better. Like I said, helping her feel better _is _in my power and that's what I plan on doing. Even if it means I have to let her tell me what she wants me to do.

"Maura. Do you need me to get you anything? You can tell me. You're sick and I want to help you feel better." She looks up at me to make sure I'm not feeding her some bullshit line. I would never do that to her, but I can tell a lot of people must've said one thing and then backed out on her throughout her life. I fucking hate that. Maura deserves more than to be left. I may be a lot of things—undeserving of her affection is one of them—but I will never leave her. I'll make sure to tell her that one day. One day when I'll feel a little less weak when I say it out loud.

She's still looking at her hands so I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually want to ask me what she _thinks _she wants to ask me. So, I do what I do best. I take control.

"Well, since you're not going to tell me…I'm going to go downstairs and get you some water. If you decide you want to tell me when I get back, you can. Promise."

She looks up at me to confirm that I mean what I say. That I'm not just yanking her chain. I guess she finds what she's looking for because she decides to nod her head.

…..

I come back upstairs and see she's almost out of it again. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure she needs to drink this. And since I'm such a damn control freak, I gently take her shoulder until she wakes up. She scoots up into a reclining position against the headboard, I see her eyeing the thing in my left hand. I start smiling like a damn fool because I know curiosity is going to get the best of her. Right on cue, she asks.

"What's that, Jane?" I unfold my favorite gray BPD hoodie that I got back when I was on the beat. Back before _him._ Back before I was seriously fucked up.

"I brought this for you. I figured the fever would make you cold _and_ I'd really like you to have it."

Okay, yeah. Part of me did kind of think about the fever thing when I decided to bring it. But most of me just honestly didn't want to see her in a sweatshirt that may have belonged to someone else. She's giving me this weird look and I don't even know what to think. I mean it's pretty beat up so maybe I hurt her feelings by suggesting she should even touch the ratty thing.

"It's old and worn out, nothing special…"

Her eyes mist over and she reaches over to take it from my hands. She holds it in front of her studying it like it's the first hoodie she's ever seen in her life.

"No, Jane. It's…perfect," she chokes out as a few tears roll down her cheeks. "No one's ever purposely given me something of theirs before."

Well…now I kind of feel like an asshole since I assumed her sweatshirt was someone else's. She did say 'purposely' though, so it still could be something someone left behind. I mentally shake that thought away. Since I gave her mine, maybe I'll never have to see it again. She looks up and starts smiling despite how bad I know she must feel. I may have been selfish in why I gave it to her, but I'm really glad I fucking did.

She brings it up and presses it against her chest like she'd kill me if I tried to take it back. I can tell she hasn't been taken care of like she deserves to have been, just by the way she's treating it like it's the best thing she's ever been given. Hell, for all I know it _is _the best thing she's ever been given. And I fucking hate that. I hate that Maura gives so much to everyone else, but nothing is ever given to her. It's not like she asks for much. I mean…she's never asked for anything from me, but has given me all the fucking patience in the damn world 'cause I'm too screwed up to make a move on her yet. I can't tell if she doesn't know how to ask or if she doesn't think she's worthy of anything more than what she's been getting. But she _is _worth more. And I want to show her how much more she's worth. Even if that leads to her figuring out she's worth more than what I can offer her.

She doesn't put it on, she just slides down onto her side and pushes it under her head like a pillow. Splotches of it turn dark gray from her tears. I reach over and gently wipe the rest of them off her cheeks.

"Thank you, Jane. Thank you so, very much."

The sincerity in her voice tugs at my heart. It makes me realize I want to be the one to give her everything she's ever wanted, even if she doesn't know how to ask for it. I want to be the one that makes her happier than she's ever been in her life. It's going to be hard as hell. I'm controlling and overbearing and way too many other things to list. Five years' worth of shitty habits is going to be hard to break. But I'm willing to try and change all of that. I _want _to change all of that. For her.

Her eyelids are dropping and I can tell she's almost down for the count. I reach back over and run my fingers down her cheek. Her skin is so soft, I'm almost jealous. I want to touch it forever. But, it's getting late, so I stand up and start to walk to the door.

"Jane?" I stop right in my tracks. Shit. I know what's coming next. My heart starts pounding in my chest. I turn around and look at her. She's sitting up now, definitely alert. Even though she's sick and her hair is all over the place, I swear I have never seen anything more fucking beautiful in my whole life. She cocks her head and I definitely know what she's about to say.

"Aren't you going to stay?"

Shit. I knew it. I've been asked this question more times than I can count. But never by anyone I've actually cared about. And I care about Maura. So this time, it's a thousand times worse because I _do _want to stay. But I can't. I still have fucking nightmares because of _him_. Horrible ones that make me wake up fucking screaming and sweating and all other sorts of fucking shit. I'm not ready to let anyone see that part of me. Not even Maura.

"No, Maura, I can't." I can see her eyes start to water again, and damnit, I almost feel my resolve break. _Almost. _I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed next to her and stroke her arm.

"It's just not something I can do. It's something that I…that I can't control." And it's true. You can't control nightmares no matter how fucking hard you try. Her eyes give her away so damn easily. She knows exactly what I'm saying even though I don't.

"Okay, Jane. I won't try to make you do anything you can't do. I just want you to know…that I'd like you to stay for however long you can manage. If…if that's okay?"

I _did_ tell her she could ask me for anything since she's sick. And I _do _really want to stay. Not the whole night, but for a little while. And I said I wanted to be the one that makes her happy. If staying for even a little while longer will make her happy, then that's what I'm going to do.

"I can stay here with you until you fall asleep. I know that won't be very long, but...it's longer than I've stayed with anyone…in a really long time."

I kind of feel pathetic saying that, but she gives me a smile just like she did on the Ferris Wheel when I squeezed her hand. I love being able to make her smile like that. It takes away just a little bit of how vulnerable I feel. I like that. Hopefully, I'll be able to do it again. Maybe soon. But, I'm not making any promises. I still like being in control. She's very, very slowly tearing down my walls, though. Just like I knew she would. Like I said, there's something about her.

She lays down and scoots over, leaving me room to crawl in behind her. She knows I don't like anyone touching my back, so she rolls over to where she's facing away from me. I scoot in behind her, as close as I can get.

"Don't touch my hands." I whisper it, even though I know she wouldn't dare try it. She knows I'd freak out and leave since it wasn't my decision. I'm willing to try and make her happy, but I'm not even close to ready for that yet.

I throw my arm over her waist and pull her close. I lay there smelling her vanilla shampoo until she's almost asleep. I can tell by the way her body relaxes against me. I lift my hand from her waist and up to her hair. I start running my hands through it gently. I massage her scalp and wind my fingers in and out until she's humming. Her hair is the softest thing I've ever felt and I hope I never scare her away just so I can touch it again. Every time I run my fingers through it, it lets out a little of the vanilla scent and I just can't get enough. I do this until she falls asleep and I'm pretty sure I'm about to fall asleep, too. I slink out of bed and leave, just like I said I would. Even though for the first time, I really _don't _want to.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! I love you all so very much! Keep 'em coming. The first part of this isn't too great, but the end is better. I swear. Well, maybe… Let me know your thoughts! xx**

I've decided to take Maura ice skating today. Okay, sort of. She may have passive-aggressively hinted at me to bring her by spewing off the historical facts of ice skating for over an hour during an autopsy yesterday until I finally told her I was bringing her. That would've pissed me the hell off if anyone else had done that. But by the way she's sitting on the bench lacing up her skates with a smile plastered on her face, I don't even care that this was kind of her idea. I'm just glad I decided to bring her.

"Did you know that skates were originally sharpened, flattened bone strapped to the bottom of the foot, Jane?" She looks up at me and I can see her eyes light up. I can tell she's excited as hell, but her googlemouth lets me know that she's nervous. I didn't even ask if she's ever been before. Shit.

"No, I didn't. Have you ever been ice skating before, Maura?"

She bites her lip and starts to stand up. She's wobbling and almost falls. Even if I was blind I could tell she hasn't ever put skates on before, but she shakes her head anyway. Shit. Even with thick as hell gloves on, I can't bring myself to hold her hands. How the fuck am I going to teach her how to skate if I can't even hold her fucking hands. Shit. I'm pretty sure she can see the worry all over my face 'cause she starts to sit back down. I can't have that. I want to make her happy. And if this is going to make her happy, then I'll have to improvise.

"It's okay. Come on." I face her and wrap my hands around her forearms, close to her wrists. I can tell she's nervous about holding onto mine since she's so close to my hands, so I give her a nod and she latches on so tight I'm pretty sure I'll have bruises. I walk backwards until I'm out on the ice and she's still on the floor outside the rink. I start to pull her on out but she's not budging. It's like she's fucking glued to the ground. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she's working her bottom lip between her teeth like there's no tomorrow. I can tell she's scared as hell. I know that feeling all too well. _He _made sure of it. I'll do fucking anything to keep her from feeling like that. _Anything._

I slowly work my hands down from her arms and into her hands. I prepare for the overwhelming nausea to hit me like it does when I even _think_ about someone else touching my hands, but it doesn't come. Maybe it's because our gloves are so thick I can pretend she's not touching them. Or maybe it's because I want so badly to protect her from feeling scared that it takes place of the queasiness. I don't know, but I'm glad as hell I'm not feeling sick right now. As soon as I squeeze her hands, she looks up at me confused. Almost instantly that's replaced with something I can only explain as pure and utter joy in her face. I really fucking think she's about to cry because she's so happy. I can't even help but smile back at her with the same intensity she's smiling at me.

"Come on, I've got you." And I do. I lead her out onto the ice still facing her. Her legs are wobbling and she's yet to look up from her feet. I'm glad it's the middle of a school day and no one else is here, because we are moving so slowly I'm pretty sure a fucking snail could beat us.

"Look up, Maura. It's easier if you don't focus on your feet." She looks up at me and she's still smiling. Memories of playing hockey as a kid kick in as I pick up the pace and pull her a little faster. She squeezes my hands a little harder and a quick wave of nausea washes over me. I knew it was too fucking good to be true. I don't wanna freak her the hell out or anything, so I move my hands to her hips and pull her around that way. If it bothers her, she doesn't show it. She just puts her arms up on my shoulders and keeps smiling.

After a couple of trips around the rink, I can feel her get more confident with her strides. I decide to let her go without telling her because then she'd just overanalyze it, I'm sure. That's just how she is. Big fucking mistake. She's down on the ice before I can even blink. Damnit. That's not at all what I had planned on letting her do. Fucking shit. I never should've let go of her. I lean down and help her up stand back up on shaky feet.

"Are you okay?" I have to ask because her eyes are watering and I know that had to fucking hurt. I bring my hands up to her face and rub her cheeks with my thumbs.

She nods and shakily says, "Yes."

It's only when I feel her breath on my face do I realize how close we are standing. My hands are still on her face and hers are gripping my coat at the waist even though there's no way in hell I'm going to let her go again. Her cheeks are a perfect shade of pink from the cold. Her eyes are so dark that I can't even see the gold in them anymore. Her lips are parted and I can feel every single breath she exhales against my chin. She's so fucking gorgeous and close right now, I can hardly stand it.

God, I want to kiss her. I really do. But I'm fucking scared as hell. I'm scared because I don't want to get a taste and have her realize how messed up I am and run away. I'm scared because I haven't had a kiss that's meant a damn thing to me in five years. Shit, maybe even more than that. I'm scared because I know if I kiss her now, I'll never be able to kiss anyone else the rest of my life no matter how meaningless it'd be, just because of how _meaningful_ this one would be.

It's then that I realize I don't ever _want_ to kiss anyone else but Maura. I want her to change me, break me, make me better. I want all of her. And I want her to eventually have all of me. It's going to take a while for that to happen, I know. But it will have to start some time. And I want that time to be now.

I realize I've just been standing here looking at her and stroking her cheek for over a minute now. She hasn't moved at all, still breathing heavy and waiting on me to make the first move. Just like I told her I would when I was ready, because that's the way I work. She probably thinks I'm going to back out just like I did on the Ferris wheel, but I'm not. Not this time.

Her hands clutch tighter on my coat as I bend down and lean in. My lips are so close to hers that I'm basically just breathing her in. My heart is beating so loud it's the only thing I can hear. I feel my hands start to shake on her cheek. I wait for her to come the last few centimeters, but she doesn't. She just stands there waiting, like I knew she would.

I think my heart is about to pound right out of my chest and my mouth has gone bone dry. I'm so fucking scared, but I'm ready. I lean the rest of the way in and press my lips against hers. I kiss her as softly as I can. Like I'm afraid she's going to break apart in my hands. Everything else fades out as I savor the feel of her mouth against mine. The heat of her face against mine. The taste of her chapstick on my lips. It's like her mouth is pulling every fear, every torment, every moment of weakness I've ever had out of me. Taking them from me, making me feel freer than I've ever felt in my entire life.

I pull away from her lips slowly and look into her face. I want give her more than a kiss that lasts all of 10 seconds, but I can't give anything more to her yet. I'm not ready. But the look in her eyes and the smile on her face tell me that's okay. They tell me that it was _more _than okay. That it probably just changed her for the rest of her life like I'm more than sure it did for me.

I may not be ready for more yet, but that's okay. She's slowly breaking me down so she can build me back up. She gives me the control I need, but channels it in ways that make us both happy. She's slowly helping me realize that sometimes the unplanned things are the best things. That sometimes the uncontrolled things…are the things worth living for.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Not mine. :(**

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! I enjoy getting them. They keep me going! I hope this chapter is up to par. Meh. Let me know what you think! Love you all xx**

**xxxxxxxx**

Maura's pissed at me. Not that she would ever say it to my face, though; she's too polite for that. So instead, she's been ignoring me for the past seven hours. I fail to see how that's any less rude, but what the fuck do I know. All because she asked me to go to some fancy-schmancy benefit dinner at her parents' _estate._ She made sure to differentiate _estate _and _house_ to me like I'm fucking five years old. Of course I know the difference. And that's part of why I said no. I'm not going somewhere large enough to get lost with more people than I could possibly count. No. No way. I'd feel extremely out of my comfort zone and that's something I avoid at all costs. I may not be able to be in charge of everything, but where I go is definitely one of them. Not even Maura Isles and her sad puppy dog eyes will change that. The other part of why I said no is because it's at her _parents' _estate. I don't meet parents. I don't like not feeling good enough for their daughters. I don't like the judgmental stares I'm sure to get. Especially from parents wealthy enough to own an estate instead of a home.

So even though Maura gets why I said no, she's still not talking to me. So I'm still sitting here getting more pissed by the minute as I drink my second beer and watch ESPN. I cannot fucking believe I'm letting her get to my emotions like this. I really fucking can't. But, I also can't believe I told her 'no' even though I really just want to make her happy. I'm so conflicted that I don't even know what the fuck to do. I have to make it up to her. That much I do know.

As I'm trying to think of ways to fix my royal fuck up, my phone starts blaring out this God awful ringtone that I'm sure only Maura would choose. I pick up my phone and sure enough, it's Maura. I take a deep breath to calm myself the fuck down and answer on the third ring.

"Jaaaaannneeee!" Before I can even say hello, she's yelling my name. Something's not right. Maura doesn't seem like the type to skip pleasantries, no matter how much she likes you.

"Maura, are okay? You sound…different." I try to search for a word that won't offend her, but that's the best I can come up with. Typical Rizzoli genius at work, right there.

"No, you're _different, _Jane. You're so…secretive. Deceptively complex." By the slurring of her words, I can tell she's drunk. Not the 'tipsy-Maura' I took home from the Robber, but 'drunk as a fucking skunk' Maura.

"Maura, have you been drinking?" I ask even though I know the answer.

"Why does that matter, Jane? I'm a grown adult. I don't need your permission to drink if I wish to do so." Wow. Drunk Maura has quite the bitchy side. Not a side I particularly like. Even though it does kinda turn me on.

"No. I guess you don't. But, I do want to know where you're at." The noises in the background definitely aren't coming from a benefit dinner. Damnit. I knew I should've gone with her.

"A bar." No shit, Maura. No shit.

"Which bar?" I'm started to get really pissed now. She could be alone in a bad part of town. _Drunk_ and alone in a bad part of town.

"Cataloni's. Did you know—"

"Damnit, Maura! Dorchester! You know what kind of shit goes on down there. You work in a morgue, for fuck's sake.'' All semblance of civility I have flies right out the fucking window. Genuis, my ass. No woman with half a brain would be there at this time of night alone.

"Jane, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myselffff." The last word kind of lingers in her mouth like she's getting drunker by the second. I should've gone with her. Nothing better happen to her before I can find her. .

"Don't go anywhere. I mean it, Maura. I'll be there as soon as I can."

…..

Thanks to my police lights and sirens, I show up less than fifteen minutes later at this deserted ass bar in the sketchiest part of Dorchester. How she even managed to find this piece of shit place, I'll never know. I walk/half run inside just to see two hairy ass men playing pool and three sweaty old men at the bar. No Maura in sight. I walk back to the bathrooms and check both the Men and Women's rooms. No sign of her. I'll be damned if she took a cab back home. I start walking back to my car as I call her. As soon as I step outside, I hear her loud as fuck classical ringtone. Coming from the alley beside the bar. My heart starts pounding and I break out in a sweat. This can't be happening.

I run out into the pitch black alleyway and reach for my gun before I remember I left it back at home. _Fuck._ My eyes finally adjust and I see where the noise is coming from. A huge as hell mother fucker has Maura pinned to the wall with his had around her neck. The other is planted at the wall by her head. He's leaned in close, whispering some shit to her. Intimidating her. And it's fucking working. She's trembling, trying to yell out, but the hand on her throat keeps her quiet. Thank-fucking-God that I work out every day to be better, faster, stronger than the next guy who comes around because I tackle him to the ground before he can even take another breath. I'm on top of him before he can even make a sound and I feel my fist connect with his face. Over and over and over. I feel the bone crunch beneath my knuckles. Blood is covering his face, my hand, my shirt.

"Jane!"

Only then do I stop. I'm panting as I lift myself up off his body. I reach down and grab his collar and jerk him up. Unbelievably, he's able to stand by himself. Not wanting to see his bloody, bruised face for one more second, I let him go. He takes off stumbling in the opposite direction. I watch him until he turns the corner to make sure he isn't going to try anything. I look down and see blood covering my hand and splatters on my shirt. Holy fucking shit. I can't even believe I lost control like that. Especially in front of Maura. _Shit_. Maura.

I turn around to look at her. She's standing there with a look on her face that I know all too well. I had only hoped it'd never grace her face. She's scared. Not of what just happened between her and that dickhead, but of _me_. She's confused. Probably due to the fact that I'm a cop and didn't bring him in. I just beat him the fuck up and sent him on his merry way. And I think she's a little bit disappointed in me, too. Jesus Christ. This night has gone from bad to wayyy fucking worse.

I take a step towards her and she takes a step back. "Maura, I—"

"Take me home, Jane." Normally I'd hate that someone was telling me what to do. But I've done her wrong in so many ways tonight, that I'll take her home if that's what she wants. No questions asked.

She staggers a little as we walk to the car from still being a little drunk, so I reach out to help her steady herself. She just pulls away and gives me a glare like the mother fucking Ice Queen. I decide to not touch her anymore, and just open the door for her when we get to the car. She sits with her back completely straight and her face looking out the passenger window. I'm in deep shit this time. I can tell I've royally fucked up.

…..

I pull up to her house half an hour later. Neither of us has spoken the entire way and it's bugging me the hell out. I want to know what she's thinking. What she's feeling. I want to make sure she's okay. I put my car in park and take it as a good sign that she doesn't immediately jump out of the car. She slowly looks over from the window to my hand. I look down, too. It's swollen and crusted over in dried blood. I can't tell if it's mine or his. I look back over at her, but she's still looking at my hand.

"Let me take a look at it inside." If letting her tell me what to do means I'm not getting ignored, then by all means I'll let her tell away. I uncrank my car and follow her inside into the kitchen. She points at the sink and stands at the counter, watching me. She still hasn't made eye contact with me yet, but I'm hoping that letting me inside is a good sign.

I wash off my hand as best as I can and walk over to the barstool closest to her and sit down. She taps the counter and I set my hand on it as flat as I can manage. The pain radiates up my arm and I can tell it's broken. No cuts though, so I'm lucky that his blood didn't get up in it. I'm sure that would've gotten some long ass Google speech about the dangers of blood contamination. At this point though, I'm kinda wishing she'd give me one. I wish she'd say anything really.

She looks over my hand without touching it. Even pissed as hell, she remembers not to touch my hands. Apparently she thinks I'm okay without going to the hospital because she just wraps up a bag of some frozen vegetables and sets it gently upon my hand.

Minutes go by and she's just standing there staring at my hand like it's about to tell her how to spontaneously combust. Hell, I wish I could spontaneously combust. The silence is deafening. I need to fix this. I need to take charge and make it better.

"Maura." She doesn't look up. Shit. I have to make this right.

"Maura. Look at me." I say it in a voice so soft, it almost cracks. I guess it finally gets to her because she looks up at me.

Only then do I see it. She's not scared or confused. She's hurt. Not physically, but hurt nonetheless. I want to reach out and touch her, but I don't. I don't want to push her. I don't want to pretend like this never happened. I need her to understand. After all, relationships are all about timing. If you don't say the right thing at the right moment—no matter how much fate is involved— everything will be ruined. Even if you regret it, it'll be too late. And I don't want to lose her. Not yet. Hell, maybe not ever.

She's looking at me expectantly. I know if I wait much longer that I'll never be able to fix this. So I say exactly what I know I have to say.

"I got scared. I…was afraid. I was afraid that he'd do to you what was done to me." My voice is low and I pour every emotion I can muster into it. I have to let her know why exactly I did what I did. Why I'm fucked up the way I'm fucked up.

"And what _is _that, Jane? You don't tell me anything important that pertains to your past. So how am I supposed to understand why you act the way you act?" She genuinely wants to know. I hear it in her voice. She _needs _to know. And it isn't fair of me to keep it from her anymore. At least not all of it.

If my left hand wasn't wrapped up in a little ice cocoon, I'd be rubbing my hands together. But since I can't, I just lean over and pinch the bridge of my nose. This won't be easy. Hell, it might even be the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. No one knows about this besides me and _him. _And the two guys I had to tell the day after it happened, but they don't really fucking count. I didn't go into very much detail with them. Just need to know. And that's probably what I'm going to do with Maura. At least for now, anyway. I don't want her to pity me and I definitely don't want to scare her off. So for now, it's best if I just go with the basics. And I know that'll be enough for her, too, because she's Maura Isles and knows exactly when to push me and exactly when to stop.

I let out a deep breath and look up at her. It's now or never. "Five years ago, I…uhm…"

I feel my whole body break out in a cold sweat and it gets harder to breathe. It feels like the whole room is closing in on me. This definitely won't be easy. But Maura's looking at me like she has all the time in the world. She knows this is hard for me. But she knows it's something I have to get out, too. So she doesn't stop me. She just sits down next to me and gives my thigh a squeeze. An unspoken motivation. It's all I need.

**A/N: Horrible place to stop? Yeah, I know. Sorry! Let me know what you think. I hope this was an okay chapter. Maybe? /:**

**I also have no idea about Dorchester or any of its bars. I just went by things I found on Yahoo answers. Not very reliable, I know. No offence. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**A/N: It took me for-freakin-ever to decide how I wanted to do this chapter. It's AU and doesn't follow the show. Rape trigger, maybe? It's more like an inference, but I figured I'd put that here anyway. Please tell me if it sucks, I can take it! Good, bad…let me know. I think it may be a little lacking, but that's for you to decide! Thanks for all the alerts and reviews! They really mean a lot to me. You guys da shiz. (:**

**Oh, italics are flashbacks. xx**

…**.**

It's been five minutes of me just sitting here with my head resting in my good hand on the counter and Maura rubbing my thigh. My heart is pounding and I still can't fucking breathe. Should I even tell her? I'll probably scare her the fuck away, but I know I still have to tell her. She wouldn't still be sitting here if she didn't really want to know. I can tell she wants to let me do this on my own, but knows I'll never be able to get it out by myself. I would normally want to be able to dictate how much I told about this, but I'm at a loss. It's like my mouth refuses to fucking speak no matter how hard I try. So I just keep sitting here. Waiting. Waiting for her to ask me something, anything. And finally, she does.

"What happened five years ago, Jane?"

Her voice is soft, quiet. Inquisitive. Very much unlike that of someone just asking to be nosey. I've encountered a shit ton of those people over the years and Maura isn't one of them. She's one of the very few that have ever asked because they truly care. But, she's the _only_ one that I'll ever let know. I let out a deep breath and decide it's now or never.

"I was young…stupid." I look over at her and she's just looking at me with all the compassion in the world. Her eyes are staring me down, supporting me, giving me the conviction to keep going.

"I, uhm…I was abducted by a sick-fuck serial killer."

She gives the slightest nod and squeezes my leg. Encouraging me. I take a shaky breath. I can do this. I _have _to do this. I care about her. I want to let her in.

"For 12 days, I was beaten. Tortured…Everything in between." I can't bring myself to tell exactly what happened, but I can tell she understands what I mean. I'm glad she doesn't ask me to elaborate because I really don't think I could. Hell, I know I couldn't. I can't even think about _that_, much less talk about it. I wait, but she says nothing. She's letting me take it from here. She's letting me take control and have this conversation my way. Exactly like she knows I need to do.

"Right before he was about to kill me, he pinned me down." I wiggle my hand out from the melting vegetable bag and hold out both of them so she can see the scars. I can still see the look in his eyes as he hovered over me, cackling as he stabbed the scalpels into my hands. I close my eyes, silently willing away the memories flooding my mind. But it's no use. They're there anyway. They're always there.

"_Jaaanie. Wake up, Janieee. I want to see those pretty eyes of yours." _

_I hear his scratchy voice and feel his breath on my face as I slowly open my eyes. I'm lying flat on the ground, the slashes on my back from the whip burning, begging for me to roll over, to get up. To do anything. But I can't. He's on top of me, holding my arms out by my sides. His mouth turns up into a malicious smirk; the look in his cold, gray eyes is one I know will be seared into my memory forever. He's enjoying this, but it's already been twelve days. Far too long for someone who only keeps his victims alive for no more than three. So no matter how much he's enjoyed it, this is the end. I can feel it. And I'm relieved._

_He releases one of my hands and I try to reach up, to fight back. But I've been down here too long, it's too much. I can barely even raise my arm an inch off the ground. It doesn't matter to him, though. He lets me try to move my arms for a while before I finalIy see him pull out two scalpels from his pocket and twirl them around his fingers. The little light from the overhead bulb reflecting off them. My heart is pounding. I can't pace my breathing; I start to hyperventilate. He only smiles bigger. _

"_Now, Janie…I need you to calm down. This won't be any fun if you pass out on me again." _

_He takes one scalpel and stabs it into my left palm. The pain is immediate, radiating up into my arm. I scream out, tears rolling down my face. This only makes him laugh harder. _

"_Oh, Jane. Not so tough anymore, are you?"_

_Before I can do anything else, I feel him thrust the other into my right hand. Even though I knew it was coming, it hurts just as bad. Maybe worse. I can feel the blood pooling in my palm, oozing out my fingers. I'm crying now, harder than I ever have in my entire fucking life. I can't move anything. My whole body aches. I want this pain to end, no matter the cost. _

"_Please. Please, stop. Please. Please, just let me go." He can let me go or he can kill me. Neither matters at this point. I need this nightmare to end. _

"_That's right, Jane. Beg me. I find it quite…pleasurable."_

_He brings his face within inches of mine, the stench of his breath filling my lungs. I try to stop crying, to be brave. But I can't. I'm sobbing now, incoherent strings of words flying from my lips. _

"_Please…I just…please, no. Just…please."_

"_That's not nearly good enough, my Janie." I feel the blade of a third scalpel press against my throat with just enough pressure to let a thin line of blood roll down my neck, down underneath my head. I know this is the end. I pray to a God I'm not even sure I believe in anymore. How could he be there and still let me go through this horrific atrocity? _

_I feel him pull the scalpel a little farther along my neck. More blood seeps out now. I'm trying my best to stay conscious, but it's clear I'm failing. I hear footsteps, running around upstairs. Korsak's yelling my name. The door kicks open and Hoyt jumps up. Then all is black. _

I feel a lump rise in my throat, threatening to break out in a sob. I have to finish this. I _have _to. I pull my hands to my lap and I clear my throat, hoping my voice at least sounds a little close to normal.

"As he was holding that scalpel to my neck…making me beg for my life…right when I knew it was the end, I just _knew _it...that's when Korsak busted in. He…he saved my life."

My voice cracks at the last sentence. I can feel my eyes start to water and internally cuss myself. I've shed too many tears in the privacy of my own home to do this in front of Maura. I don't need her pity. But when I look over at her and see her watery eyes, I don't see pity. I see compassion. Concern. Benevolence. I know I should feel weak telling her about this, but it feels so utterly, entirely _good _to let it out. Especially to someone who's looking at me with anything but pity. Someone who at least acts like I'm a human being and not some fucked up nutcase. After just staring in her eyes for a good minute, she clears her throat. I'm not even sure if I want to hear what she has to say.

"Jane, I…I had no idea. I knew you exhibited signs of extreme Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, perhaps due to some trauma that had occurred in your life that encouraged your need for control…but, it's much more than that. Isn't it?"

I nod my head and drop my eyes. I know I should stop. I should spare her from this. I should keep her from knowing how broken I truly am. But, I can't. The words start flowing from my mouth before I can even think about what I'm saying.

"Do you know what it's like to have everything completely taken away from you, Maura? To have _every_ semblance of control you thought you had over your life ripped right out from under you? To have the fate of your life rest in someone else's hands?"

My words come out in a whisper so soft that I don't even know if she heard it all. But she shakes her head so I guess she did.

"No, Jane. I don't." Her voice is just as quiet as mine. Like she's letting me decide the volume of our voices. Letting me have the tiniest bit of control about telling a story over my loss of it. It's exactly what I need and she knows it. Typical Maura. But, I've said about all I can say without fucking losing it like a baby. So I've gotta turn this around just so I can spare what little pride I have left.

I reach over and grasp her face between my hands, disregarding the pain in my left. She's so beautifully breathtaking and perfect, that I know I want to save her from ever having the memories that still torture me at night. I'll do _anything_ to keep her from going through that. It kind of scares me that I feel so strongly about that…about _her. _But it's true and I wouldn't change it if I could. And I want her to know that, without actually saying it. Not yet. So I just rub her cheeks with my thumbs and look into her eyes so hard, I'm pretty sure she can see right into my damn soul.

"Good. And I _promise_ you, Maura, you will never have to know. I will save you from it, no matter what it takes. No matter the cost. Because you, Maura Isles, are worth it."

She starts crying then. Her fists reach over and grab at the front of my shirt. I pull her to where the side of her face is resting on my chest. I feel her hot breath and tears through the thin fabric. It's uncomfortable since we are both sitting on stools at the counter, but I don't even care. I wouldn't be anywhere else. I feel her breathing slow down as I run my good hand through her hair.

"Jane, no one…has ever…" That's all she manages to get out through broken sobs before I cut her off.

"I know. But it doesn't matter. Because I'm here now and _I'm_ saying it. And I _mean_ it."

I feel her nod against me and then pull away. I furrow my brow, confused.

"I'm sorry…" I go to speak, but she cuts me off.

"I'm sorry because I-I didn't mean to take away from…from what you told me. I just really want you to know… that I'm here for you too, Jane. I'm here for you, too. Always."

And I know she means more than just as a friend or confidant. I know she means she's here to protect _me_, too. To protect me from my demons, my memories. To protect me from myself. And I decide that I'm ready to let her.

"Maura, can I stay tonight?"

I hate asking questions that might be answered with a 'no.' But, I'm sure she'll say yes. And she does.

….

**What would you like to see next? Was this okay or just plain shitty? I'm so torn with this chapter. And more will be revealed later on, too. No worries!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Ugh**

**A/N: Thanks so much for the feedback I've been getting. It makes me feel 4474525 times more confident in my writing. So…keep it coming? Please! (: And tell me if you'd like to see anything specific. I can always work it in! My creativity sometimes dwindles, so I like new plot ideas. Sorry this update took longer than usual. The latest episode just left me totally uninspired and my grandpa had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. But, I hope this doesn't disappoint. Hope you enjoy! And sexual sexy-times will be in the nearish future! Promise. If that's what you want to see, anyway.**

**xxxxxxxx**

After wrapping my hand up in some itchy as fuck ace bandage and giving me a pair of too-short sweatpants and a tight as hell tanktop, Maura decides she's finally tired enough to head to bed. Thank God, 'cause it's three in the morning and I feel like I'm about to fall over dead. I bet she'll _still_ wake up at six in the morning even though we are both off work, because she's Maura fucking Isles and she's just abnormally perfect like that. I really hope she doesn't. I'm a stone cold bitch when I can't sleep in on my days off. And I'd really rather not be a bitch to Maura.

I awkwardly stand at the door as she crawls into bed in just the sweatshirt I gave her and a pair of black lace underwear. A blind person could even be able to tell how hard I'm staring at her legs right now. Who the fuck am I even kidding, her ass is looking pretty good, too. I _really _want to get in that bed with her, but I don't know if she wants me there. The last time I crawled into her bed, she had the flu so I don't quite know if she would've asked me if she wasn't sick. And, I'm kind of afraid she won't want me in there because of what happened tonight. Not only my back-alley beatdown, but because of my confession about how messed up I really am. And she doesn't even know the half of _that_ yet.

She finally places all 297 decorative pillows from her bed onto a chair in the corner and starts to crawl in. After realizing I'm not there beside her, she looks over at me and tilts her head.

"Aren't you going to get in bed, Jane?"

"Uh…yeah."

I let my nerves get the best of me as I walk over to the bed. But, it doesn't last very long because now _Maura_ has a case of the jitterbugs. As soon as flip off the light and get under the covers, she's lying flat on her back stiff as a board. I'm guessing she just remembered how I don't like to be touched and doesn't want to bump into me in her sleep. After all of five seconds of this, I decide that's definitely not how I want to sleep tonight.

"Come here."

I pull her in to where she's lying on her side, facing me. Her arms are pulled up to her chest between us so she won't touch my back, but I pull her in as tight as I can anyway. There's just something about feeling her against me and being able to smell that scent that is very uniquely Maura. I vaguely wonder if she makes sure she smells that good so she'll never smell like the morgue. That wouldn't be very sexy. But, then I realize that I'd still be cuddled up to her anyway. And that's massive because I have never been one to cuddle, before _or _after the ordeal.

I feel her warm breath against my neck slow down and even out as I trace abstract designs across her back. I can tell she's about to be asleep and it's three fucking thirty in the morning, but there's been something that's been nagging at me all night so I've gotta ask her before she's out.

"Maura?"

"Hmm." I feel her sleepy, muffled response vibrate against my chest.

"Why did you go to a bar tonight, anyway? I thought you were at your parents' dinner thing." I know she can't lie, so if she said she was going to a dinner, then that's where she was going. So something must've happened to make her leave and end up in a piece of shit bar.

I feel her pull in closer and shake her forehead against me. I feel like I maybe shouldn't have asked since it might upset her, but then I realize that I _need_ to know so I can make her happy.

"Maura, tell me." My voice is barely a whisper. I want her to know she can tell me anything. That I'm here for her, just like I said I would be. She doesn't pull back, so I have to strain to make out her muffled response.

"My parents don't particularly agree with my lifestyle. My father believes women of our…_status_ should only be seen and not heard." She pauses but I know there's more so I say nothing.

"I am a failure in their eyes. Not only am I not married already, but I also have a girlfriend and a job my father feels is much less than desirable."

I tense up. Maura Isles just called me her girlfriend. _Girlfriend. _Girl fucking friend. I haven't been called anyone's girlfriend in at least five years. It's not something I've been able to do. I'm too messed up, too controlling, too detached to allow myself to open up to someone like that. Many have tried since _him, _but I've never let myself be that for them. I've taken what I've needed and then kicked them to the curb once I was done. It sounds cruel. Heartless, even. But, after what happened to me…that's exactly what I had become. Not anymore, though. Maura's changing me. Making me better. So, if she wants to call me her girlfriend, I'll be damned if anyone tries to stop her. I know I'm grinning like a fool, but Maura can't see it. She's taken my silence as a bad thing even though it's definitely _not_ a bad thing.

"Jane, I…I didn't mean to presume. It's just that, well, based on—"

"Maura…"

"The North American Encarta Diction—"

"Maura!" I start laughing as I finally cutoff her rambling. It takes me a few seconds to finally calm down to where I can speak. It's too fucking cute how nervous she is right now.

"Maura, it's okay. You're right."

"I'm right?"

"Yeah. I'm your girlfriend."

I can feel her smile against my chest and her breathing even out again as she slowly drifts off to sleep. It's a good thing, because we'll need plenty of sleep for what I have just decided to do with her tomorrow. It might be the best or the fucking worst plan I've ever had.

…

Definitely the worst. I told Maura to be ready at 5; it's 5:33 and I'm still sitting here watching as she walks out of her closet displaying different dresses she could wear. We are already on outfit number twelve with no end in sight. I don't see why she can't just fucking pick one already, she looks fucking great in all of them. She finally steps out in a purpleish dress—that I'm sure she would describe as plum or some other weird as hell name—and I'm tired of waiting. I'm glad I told her to be ready an hour early or else we'll be late. And I _hate_ beinglate.

"Maura, you look great." She furrows her brow at me.

"You've said that about every single item I've shown you." I exasperatedly roll my eyes.

"Because it's _true, _Maura. Come on, we're gonna be late." Now _she_ rolls her eyes as she turns back around to look in a mirror.

"Jane, this would be much easier to decide if you would at least tell me where we are going." She mumbled it. Honest to God, _mumbled. _I never thought I'd see the day where Maura Isles mumbled.

I guess she finally decides she looks good—like I told her she did a thousand times—because she finally puts on a pair of ridiculously sexy heels that make me wonder if I should've just told her to wear a trash bag. Then I realize she'd still look good. Maybe bringing her when she looks as good as this isn't such a good idea. Too fucking late now.

…

Twenty minutes later, we pull up outside my Ma's house. We've had Sunday dinners since before I could remember; I just haven't come around in the past couple of years. Ma brings up stories of _before_ and then everyone remembers just how much I've fucking changed. And I definitely haven't brought anyone around since that whole incident with _him. _No one has been important enough to bring around. Ma doesn't bug me like she used to about it though; she's backed off just so I'll come around. Even if it is only once in a blue moon. I'm kind of nervous about bringing Maura just for the lone fact that she will see the person that I used to be and realize that she's getting shortchanged with the person I am now. But I look over at her and she's twirling that damn ring around her finger so I know she's nervous, too. Looks like we're in this together. She slowly turns her head to face me.

"Jane, I'm not quite sure I understand." I give her the best smile I can muster, even though my insides feel like I'm about to puke up barbed wire.

"I just figured that since you don't quite have the…_best_ family life, that I could maybe let you get to know mine." I try to say what I'm thinking about her shitty ass family without upsetting her and since she's smiling now too, I guess I did alright. I give her a real Jane Rizzoli smile now.

"And I guess I'm kinda stuck with you being my girlfriend now, too." Her smile kind of falters and I remember I'm speaking to Captain Oblivious when it comes to sarcasm.

"Relax, I'm kidding." I lean over and give her a kiss just so she doesn't doubt me. It might only be the second time I've ever given her one, but I already know I'll never get tired of it. Or the look in her eyes afterward. It's like I'm her personal savior. Hell, for all I know, I might be 'cause she's sure as hell turning out to be mine.

"Okay. Let's go."

I wrap my arm around her waist as we walk up the front steps to the door. I hesitate for the smallest fucking moment ever, but it doesn't matter. Ma opens the door before I even have time to knock. The look on her face tells me this is going to be a long fucking night.

"Janie! Are ya just gonna stand out there all night?" She pauses and looks over at Maura. I know what's coming. "You didn't tell me your girlfriend was so pretty!" She swats me in the arm with a dish towel before she grabs Maura and all but jerks her in the door.

I hear her flapping her jaws all the way down the hall about how pretty Maura is and how I should've brought her around sooner. Of _course_ I know she's fucking pretty.

When we get to the dining room Ma introduces Maura to Tommy, Tommy's bimbo of the week, and Frankie—even though they've met over a million times at work. I'm kinda glad Tommy brought one of his floozies, just so he won't flirt with Maura very much. I know that not flirting with her at all is kinda out of the question, so I've already steeled myself towards what he will probably say. Everyone is already sitting at the table waiting on us—I knew we'd be late—so I pull Maura's chair out for her and sit down next to her.

Ma starts to pass around one of the 87987 dishes on the table before Tommy speaks up, causing her to pause.

"What, we aren't going to say grace?"

I feel my face heat up as I give him a look that would surely kill the devil. He knows that we don't fucking say grace while I'm here because I don't like anyone touching my hands. He's just trying to look cute for his flavor of the week and embarrass the hell out of me in front of Maura. Too bad his dumbass girl has no idea what's going on and Maura already knows about my aversion to hand touching, so he just ends up looking like a jackass.

Frankie ends our glaring contest by reaching over and slapping the back of Tommy's head.

"Shut the hell up, Tommy."

I always knew Frankie was my favorite. Ma doesn't even chime in about Frankie's language, either. She's just glad I'm actually here for once. After everyone has their plates loaded up as high as Mount Everest—besides Maura who doesn't have a single thing touching each other on her plate—Ma decides it's time to play her game of '21 questions towards the pretty guests in our house' and starts her inquisition. I knew it would come to this. I don't even care about Tommy's Miss Big Tits in the corner, I only hope Maura can fend for herself.

"So, Maura, what do you do for a living?" Oh God. She hates detective talk at the table, I can only imagine what she'll say to this.

Maura looks nervously at me before looking back at Ma.

"I'm the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." Ma's eyes light up and I can tell she has no fucking idea what that means.

"Oh! That sounds lovely, dear." I stifle a laugh and catch Frankie doing the same. Then Tommy pipes up and I want to stab him in the face.

"She cuts up dead people, Ma."

Fucking Tommy. He could've stated it a _little _fucking better, but he's just jealous that I brought home a Certified Ten and he has little Miss Thang with a piece of spinach stuck in her teeth. I'd be jealous if I were him, too. I don't even have to worry about Maura now, though 'cause she's totally turned it around to make herself sound like the fucking dead whisperer and Ma is soaking up every word.

"Well, that _is _fascinating, Maura," she pauses just long enough to look over at me, "You better keep her around, Janie."

"Don't call me Janie, Ma." But, of course, she ignores me and looks over to Tommy's girl who is using her phone screen as a mirror as she tries to dig out that huge fucking piece of spinach that's been staring me in the face for the past twenty minutes.

"What do you do, Claire?" Apparently, she has a name. And she's about to speak for the first fucking time tonight. Definitely interested in where this is going.

"I'm an Oncologist at Mass Gen, Mrs. Rizzoli." Some fucking detective I am. I sure as hell didn't see _that _coming. And judging by everyone's faces, no one else did either.

"You're not the only one that can bring home a doctor, Jane." Tommy gives his 'suck on that' smirk and winks. Ma's pretty much had enough of his bullshit now, I can tell. It's like her eyes are on fucking fire.

"Thomas Anthony Rizzoli, do not treat your sister that way!" She gives a glare that puts my worst to fucking shame. I can see Tommy swallow from across the table. Guiltily, he gets up and starts to clear the table, not-so-dumb-bimbo in tow. Maura starts to get up the help but I just put my hand on her leg so she won't.

"We can get it, Maura," Frankie pipes up as he starts carrying stuff to the kitchen. Ma, Maura, and I sit at the table for an awkward beat until Ma asks something that I really wish she hadn't.

"Are you bringing Maura on our trip, Janie?" Damnit. I wasn't planning on it. No one needs to suffer through a dumbass camping trip tradition. Especially not Maura. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even own a regular pair of shoes. I start nervously scratching my head.

"I, uh…hadn't exactly had a chance to bring it up to her yet." I look over at Maura, giving a sheepish grin. She really doesn't need to be drug into this.

"Jane! You _have _to bring her. She'll love it!"

Ma's beaming now. I'd hate to fucking disappoint her, so now I have to drag Maura into this. I glance over at Maura and she's looking at me, expectantly.

"We have this overnight camping thing every year…It's in two weeks. If you'd like to go." I look back over at Maura expecting this horrified look on her face, but she's smiling so bright I swear you could see it from the Moon.

"Of course I'd like to go, Jane. I've never been camping before." Now Ma is practically dancing in her seat. I haven't seen her so happy in a really, really long time.

"That settles it, then. Don't let Jane try to talk you out of it." Ma wags her finger at me as she says the last sentence. She knows me all too well. I try to get out of this fucking thing every single year. It never works.

"Ma, I won't. Give me a break." I scowl at her. She only scowls back harder.

"I know you better than that, Jane Clem—"

"No, don't even." I cut her off before she gets that God awful middle name out of her mouth. Maura _definitely_ doesn't need to know that.

After everything is cleaned up, I decide Maura's had enough Rizzoli fun for the night and we go to leave. Right before we walk out the door, I hear Tommy's annoying as fuck voice right next to us.

"If you decide you want a _real _Rizzoli, just let me know, Maura." No one else is around so I almost turn around and punch him in his prick ass face. But I've already got a broken hand so that wouldn't go over very well. And I decided that I wouldn't do that in front of Maura ever again unless I absolutely had to.

I don't even dignify him with a response as he starts laughing while he walks back to the living room, I just lead Maura out the door. Once outside, I turn and push her up against the house, letting jealousy get the best of me. I want her to know she's _mine. _And only mine. I push my body flush against hers, pressing my lips on hers. She opens her mouth and I push my tongue in, tasting the wine she drank on her lips. She finally gets over her initial shock and moves her lips and tongue with mine. The way her mouth moves so perfectly, so fluidly against mine sends goosebumps up my arms. Her hands wind in my hair, pulling me closer. For once, I actually don't fucking care that she's taking a little bit of control. Her breathing turns into a sigh, then into a moan. I started this to let her know she's mine, but now it's kind of like she's claiming me as hers. I feel her struggle to keep from panting as her body tries to start grinding against me. Involuntary or not, it's fucking sexy. I pull back with her bottom lip between my teeth, relishing the moment when I feel it slowly slide out from between them. I look in her eyes and see exactly what I know mine must look like. She's biting on her bottom lip and her chest is heaving as she tries to catch her breath. We have to go before I start to fucking her on my front porch. I wouldn't put myself above trying that with how fucking turned on I am right now.

"Let's go."

She nods and all but runs to the car. Tonight's gonna be something else. I can already tell.

…..

**A/N: Sorry Tommy is an ass. Someone had to be and Frankie is just too sweet. What would you like to see next? (;**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: No, still not mine. **

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! Yayayay they were great! And now, it's sexy smut time. If that's not your thing, go to the second half. **

**You're all fantastic! I hope this is up to par—my smut tends to be hit or miss. Let me know, maybe? (;**

**Rape trigger—maybe?—still stands. **

**xxxx**

There's no time to waste, the anticipation of the ride over was almost unbearable. I barely wait for the door to close before I push Maura up against it. I press my mouth against hers, sliding my tongue across her lip before pushing it inside. She still tastes just as good, if not better, than before. She tangles her hands in my hair, urging me closer. I move my mouth down to her neck and start licking and biting at it, loving the moans falling from her lips. I don't even care if I leave a mark. It'll only remind her that she's mine and no one else's.

I feel her hands shift down to the front of my shirt and I know she's about to unbutton it. I don't want that. Not before I tell her what I can and can't do, courtesy of _him. _So instead, I just drop down to my knees, pushing her dress up around her waist as I go. Her hands automatically resume their spot in my hair as I slowly trail her panties down her legs. I throw them somewhere across the room and lift her leg up across my arm, my hand pushing her hips back against the door. I trail my other hand slowly up her leg, causing her to try and push against my hand to get her hips down closer to me. I finally rest my hand on her thigh as I move my mouth in to her. She's so wet that I can see it in the dim lighting. It's the best fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And right then my jealousy flies right out the fucking window as I remember that she's not something I can control, not something that I can claim. She's so much more than that. I want to cherish every second of this and show her that this is all about her and not my need to own her.

I go in and slowly swipe my tongue across the length of her. Her hips jerk at the contact and her hands tighten their grip in my hair. It's the best thing I've ever fucking tasted, hands down_. _I push my tongue harder against her as I flick at her clit. Her hands pull me closer to her, her hips rolling against me.

"Ah, that's…ahh…Jane."

I don't want her fun to be over just yet, so I run my tongue back down the length of her and dip inside as far as I can. I wish I didn't have a broken hand; I'd love to push my fingers inside of her and feel her soft heat clench around them. It doesn't seem to bother her, though, 'cause she's moaning and panting and digging her nails in my scalp every time my tongue goes in and out of her. She's starting to ride my face, so I push back against her with both hands. It will be so much better for her if she lets me do the work. And like I said, I want this to be about her. I pull back just enough so I know she'll feel the vibrations of my words against her.

"Uh, uh, Maura. Hold still."

She answers me with a moan that I guess is an understanding, so I push my tongue back against her and hold completely still—teasing her –just to see what she'll do. Sometimes I can act like a fucking teenager, I know. Other that the slight tremble in the leg holding her up, she doesn't fucking move an inch. Which is pretty fucking noteworthy. I smile against her before I take her clit in my mouth and start sucking, gently at first. But she starts moaning in ways that I know mean she's so fucking close, I can't even help myself. I suck against it harder, using my tongue to flick against it every so often. I finally let my teeth barely run across it, and it's her breaking point.

"Fuu.." she gasped, fingers digging into my scalp as she finally comes. I keep going until she's ridden it out and is about to collapse onto the floor. I softly let her leg down off my arm and pull her dress back down. I stand up and press my lips against hers, waiting on her to open her eyes. She moans at the taste of herself, using her tongue to get every last bit of herself off her lips. Holy fucking shit. She never ceases to amaze me. I pull back and look into her eyes. I'll be damned if she isn't already eye-fucking me all over again; silently begging me for her turn.

But that brings a whole other set of implications that I should probably have let her know before all of this happened. Not that I would've taken any of it back. Hell no, abso-fucking-lutely not. And I know she wouldn't either. But I'm not like everyone else—like how I used to be—when it comes to my own damn body. Thanks to _him_, I don't like to be touched unless I'm in control of how people are touching me. It's fucked up and I know it. But, I just can't surrender myself to anyone like that. Not unless I'm being the one in charge of how they're doing it. And I don't want to bring Maura into my bossy fucked up side.

She's still looking at me, waiting for the go ahead. But I can't. I just can't give myself over to her like she thinks it will be. And I certainly hate that I have to let her know how fucked up I am about it.

"Maura…" I look away as I say her name. Hoping she understands. But when I look back at her face, I can tell she really doesn't.

"Let's go sit on the couch." It's not even my house, but I don't even care. I lead her over to it and sit down. She sits down to where she's facing me, her legs pressed up against me. I can see the confusion and concern all over her face. I really don't like that look on her. I'd much rather see a smile any fucking day. And what I tell her isn't going to make her smile. I'm sure of it. Shit.

"Maura, I…it won't be how you think it will be." I can see the wheels turning as she tries to think of all the possibilities of what I might actually be implying.

"What do you mean, Jane?" Never the guesser, she's going to make me say it outright.

"I uh, hmm…" I pause as I try to figure out exactly how I'm going to say this. I've never had to say it before because everyone else just let me boss them around with no questions asked. But Maura's different. She doesn't deserve just being told what to do because I feel uncomfortable of some things.

"There are...I can only be touched in certain ways. If that makes sense?" Hell. Even I know that doesn't even make any fucking sense. But her eyes light up like she's on to something.

"Yes, I know that, Jane. You don't like anyone touching your hands or your back. I certainly think I can remember that as I—"

"No, Maura. That's not what I mean."

She has no idea what I'm talking about. No fucking idea, I can tell. Great. I pinch the bridge of my nose between my finger and thumb, willing the headache that's forming to go away.

"Maura, ever since _him _I've liked to be in control." I look over at her and she just nods her head to let me know she's following me.

"And ever since then, I've _needed _control in these types of situations when it…comes down to _me_ the most. You know what I mean?'' She furrows her brow and I can tell what she's thinking and what I'm thinking are two totally different things.

"Are you saying you like to be sexually dominant because you were forced to be dominated?" What the fuck. No, that's definitely not what I'm saying. Is it? I certainly don't force people to do anything, if that's what she means. I'm not into BSDM or whatever the fuck it is. I just like telling them where they can touch _me_. I guess what I mean isn't really all that bad compared to all the scenarios she's probably thinking up.

"Uh, no. Not what I mean, Maur. I'm just…bossy. I like to tell people what they can and can't do to me. I'm not a sadist or anything, Jesus Christ."

"Actually, Jane, sadist refers to—"

"Not the point, Maura. I just don't want to boss you around. You deserve more than that."

And she does. She deserves someone who can let her do whatever the fuck she wants with them. But I can't. I can't give her that. I haven't let anyone touch me with anything other than their mouth in five years. Anything other than that reminds me too much of _him. _She deserves more than only being able to do that with me.

I guess I'm looking pretty distraught and torn about this because she reaches over and pulls me into a kiss. I feel her every emotion being poured into it. I feel comforted. At peace. Like I belong right here next to her every day for the rest of my damn life. She slowly pulls back just far enough to be able to look me into the eye.

"Jane, you can't change your past. But, you can let go and start your future," she rubs her thumbs across my cheeks, "I want to be in your future, Jane. I want to help you let go and start again. It won't be today, tomorrow, or even next week. It won't be easy, Jane. But that's okay, because I'll be here. I'll be here to help you every step of the way if you'll let me."

And oddly enough, I know she's right. She will be here. Through every single thing I throw at her—even something as fucked up as this. Hell, she's stuck with me so far and that's monumental. Most people would've run away as soon as they found out the half of my story. But not Maura. She's stronger than I give her credit for.

"I'll let you be there for me, Maura. Just like I'm here for you." I pull her in and give her a quick kiss. I'll never tire of feeling her lips against me. I slowly pull back and rest my forehead against hers.

"I should go," I whisper it. I don't want to go, but I should. I feel her tighten her grip on my biceps without pulling her face back away from mine.

"Why? I understand if you don't want to do anything else tonight, Jane. But you could sleep here again like last night...Please?" The 'please' almost has me. She says it so quietly that I know I wouldn't have heard it if I wasn't so close to her. But I really can't and it's killing me.

"I can't, Maura. This conversation has dredged up more things than I'd like to remember. I have to go home tonight."

I feel her slight nod against me as she understands what I'm saying. I don't have to tell her about my nightmares to let her know they exist. She just _knows. _I was lucky I didn't have one last night. Two nights here would be pushing it, especially after this fucked up conversation and the memories it brings.

"Okay." She lets go of my arms as I stand up and walk to the door. I want to walk out and not look back, but I can't. I turn back around to face her and I know I shouldn't have. I feel the lump rise in my throat. I hate_ him_ for what he did to me. I hate how much _he's_ fucked up my life. But most of all, I hate how _he's_ keeping me from staying here with her. The one good thing I've finally found. I fight the tightness of my throat so I can tell her how much I want to stay, how much she means to me, how I won't leave her like everyone else has.

"Make sure you lock the door, Maura."

That's all I'm capable of getting out before I turn back around and leave.

…

**Confusing? Yeah, probably. I hate this chapter. It's like I couldn't say what I really mean to say… make sense? No, probably not. Ugh. But anyway, Jane's got a lot to overcome. I have one or two chapters between now and the camping trip. Let me know what you think about this? If it sucks I'll delete and re-write! Thanks xx**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**A/N: I love you all so much for the reviews and alerts! If I were Oprah, I would give you all brand new cars. You're amazing. So keep it up (; **

**Read all the way to the end!**

**xxxxx**

My wrists are bound to the arms of a chair with zip ties, my ankles bound to it with rope. I'm gagged with a thick cloth that tastes of strongly of sweat and blood. I try to fight against my binds before slowly opening my eyes. What I see makes me involuntarily heave, my heartbeat race. A sheet of sweat covers my body as I start to panic. This fucking can't be happening.

Maura is lying on her stomach across a table, her bare back exposed. Her wrists and legs are bound to all four corners making her body resemble an X. This is all too familiar, this fucking can't be happening. I try to scream, but the gag causes it to barely be a groan. But, it's enough to get Maura's attention because she turns her head to face me. There's a gash on her forehead and blood is running down her nose. My body is shaking from how hard I'm trying to get to her. To save her. It isn't supposed to be like this. But I can't move, the ties are too strong. Tears start streaming down my face.

"Jane, I'm okay. Don't worry."

I try to yell out and tell her she _isn't _okay. To tell her that what's about to happen will change her for the rest of her life. To tell her that I'm sorry that I can't save her from this. But all that comes out are stifled whimpers. This can't be real. Dear fucking God, don't let this be real.

I hear the heavy metal door bang shut. It's a sound I know all too fucking well. My heart is about to burst out of my chest. I need to save her. I need to get to her before _he_ does. But, it's too late.

I see him walk up to far side of the table Maura is lying on. He looks over her body with a smirk on his face before glancing back up at me. Those same cold, gray eyes. The same sickening grin plastered on his face. I'm breathing harder and faster now. Maura's eyes have never left my face. They're glazed over, like she's already accepted her fate. This can't be happening. But it is.

"It's nice to see you again, Janie. I've missed you."

I want to tell him to fuck off, to leave her alone. But I'm paralyzed with fear and not even a stifled yell comes out. He trails his hand up the expanse of her back. I feel my throat constrict as I realize what's coming. If there is anything good left in this fucking world, come save her. She doesn't deserve this. No one does.

Maura doesn't even flinch as he roams his hand across her back. She's just staring at me. Expecting me to save her, but I can't. I can't and it's killing me.

"Are you glad you could join us, _Doctor_ Isles?" I wait for her to answer, but she doesn't. Even if she had, it wouldn't make a difference. This sick fuck bastard wouldn't care.

"Oh, you're not going to answer me, Doctor? Let's see if we can change that."

I see him raise the black whip up above his head and I try to yell, to escape. But I can't stop him and he knows it. He brings it down against her as hard as he can. Marring the perfect ivory skin of her back with a deep gash. Her hands ball up and her knuckles turn white, but she doesn't make a single sound. Tears are running down her face. I would do anything to just be able to wipe them away. _Anything._ This is killing me and he knows it. It's all just some twisted sick fuck game to him and he loves it.

"Still not talking, Doctor? We'll see about that, won't we, Janie?"

He cracks the whip against her two more times before she finally screams out and pulls hard against her restraints. He laughs this god awful laugh that makes me want to fucking puke. He's loving how much this is hurting me. He doesn't even care about Maura. He just wants to see how much more he can destroy me.

"That's not nearly good enough, Doctor." One more slash against her back and she finally breaks down.

"Jane, help me." I'm pulling so hard against the zip ties my wrists are bleeding. I'm screaming so hard against the cloth gag that I can no longer breathe. He cackles at my struggle and brings it down across her again.

"Please, Jane. Please help me."

I keep crying and pulling at my ties as she begs me to please help her after every crack of the whip. He's relentless, six more come down across her. She's covered in blood and her face is so pale I know she's about to pass out from the pain. I wish she would. Anything to save her from this.

"I will ruin you for the next person, and the next, and the next, Doctor. I will be all there is, and all there _can_ be. Just ask Janie, she'll tell you."

One more crack of the whip and she finally loses consciousness, but he doesn't stop. Not until he gets to that number that I know all too well.

"That's seventeen, Janie. Now you match. A constant reminder of how you brought her into this…how you failed to protect her."

He slowly walks over to stand right in front of me, scalpel in hand. My breath catches as he dauntingly brings it up to my neck. I feel the cold metal press into my skin and warm blood ooze down my throat. He leans in and looks into my eyes.

"No one's here to save you this time, Janie."

….

I jerk awake in a panic, my clothes soaked through with sweat. I jump out of my bed and run into the bathroom, barely making it in time to retch in the toilet. I heave until there's nothing left and my abs are aching. I scoot backward until I'm sitting against the cold wall.

I've had nightmares before, but nothing compared to that fucking shit. The ones where he came for me, hurt me, and even killed me had nothing on this. He came for Maura. Maura fucking Isles. The one person on this earth that absolutely doesn't deserve experiencing his torture and the toll it brings.

How could I be so fucking stupid. How could I bring her into the fucked up world I live in. She shouldn't have to deal with any of my shit. She shouldn't have to deal with someone as broken and damaged as me.

And that's when it hits me in the face like a ton of fucking bricks. I need her as much as she needs me. I need her to pick up my pieces and glue them all back together. I need her to fill the void that _he_ left me with. And she needs me to protect her. To make sure she never has to go through even a fraction of what I've experienced. She's saving me just like I'm saving her. A smile cracks through the tears streaming down my face. If I didn't believe in fate, I sure as hell do now.

….

I'm sitting at a picnic table in a not very well-known part of the park waiting on Maura to meet me here. I haven't seen her in the past four days because she had to go to a spur of the moment conference in Idaho the morning after I did her against her door. I don't even know what the fuck is in Idaho that's so important, but whatever. She's coming back today and I told her I want to see her. She seemed pretty fucking happy to get to see me, too. Which is fucking good because my nightmares have only gotten worse. I suspect it's from me wanting to physically see her and make sure she's okay.

I hear a car door shut and I look over to the parking lot. Maura's walking towards me with a huge smile plastered on her face. She's wearing a Henley type shirt with a pair of skin tight jeans and boots that go to her knees. She looks fucking amazing. Even better than I remember. I get up and meet her halfway, pulling her into the tightest hug I can manage. I feel her breath tickle my neck as she lets out a small laugh.

"Missed me, Jane?" I pull back and smile.

"Yeah, I guess I have." I wrap my arm around her waist and start walking over toward the table where I was sitting.

"For the record, I've missed you, too." It's like a smile has taken permanent residency on my face. I can't stop looking at her. I'm just so glad she's here and okay.

We sit down and I pull off two sheets of aluminum foil from the roll I had sitting on the table. I put one in front of her and one in front of myself. She looks down at it and then around the table. She has no idea what to do with it and the face she's making is cracking me up.

"Jane, what are we going to do with aluminum foil?" I start folding mine in different places as I talk.

"When I was little, Pop would bring us kids down here to the park to make aluminum boats. When we were done, we'd go down to the river and race them." She looks over at me briefly—debating on whether or not to ask a question—before deciding to give in and start making hers.

"We'd make bets on what we wanted to do if we won. Small stuff. You know, like who could get out of doing the dishes after dinner or whatever." She's intently making the worst fucking boat I've ever seen. All I do is smile and go back to making mine.

"What would you like to do if you win, Jane?" I start laughing as I finish mine up. It's the same design I've used for years and I've never lost. I almost feel kind of bad for conning her into this. Almost.

"Hmm. If I win…I get to drive your car to work tomorrow." She drives a 2012 Benz for Christ's sake. Who wouldn't want to get a piece of that action. I look over at her and she just smiles.

"That's all, Jane? I would've let you driven it already if you'd have asked." Of fucking course, she would've. She's just perfectly nice like that. Too late to change my wager now.

"What about if you win, Maura?" I see her furrow her brow as she thinks about it and finishes the last fold of her horrible little boat. Her eyes light up as she figures out what she wants.

"If I win, I want to hold your hand."

Shit. Maura just pulled out the big guns. Didn't see that coming. I take a deep breath as I think about it. This won't be like the time I took her ice skating and had a pair of gloves between us. This will be honest to god skin-on-skin hand holding. She can see how hard I'm struggling with this because she starts to backtrack immediately.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I shouldn't have put you in a position whe—" I cut her off by leaning in and giving her a kiss on those perfectly soft, pink lips. I pull back and give her a little smile.

"Don't apologize. If you win, you can hold my hand." As I look down at her little mess of a boat, I realize I really don't have anything to worry about anyway. At least I fucking hope not.

We walk down to the little creek—if you can fucking call it that—and walk to where we are about 12 foot from a pretty big rock sticking above the water. I crouch down and Maura does the same right next to me. My boat looks like a 5 star cruise liner compared to her Gilligan's Island dinghy. This will be a piece of fucking cake.

"Alright, first one to that rock wins. Got it?" She nods her head and places her water in the boat next to mine, making sure they're perfectly even.

"Ready?" She nods her head without even looking at me. Competitive Maura might just be one of my favorites. It's beyond sexy.

"Okay. 1..2..3..Go."

We let them go at exactly the same time and the current pushes them out towards the rock in the middle. I honestly expected Maura's to flip over within the first two seconds, but it just fucking took my boat down. I can't even fucking believe it. Her boat beat mine with time to spare. My mouth just falls agape. Un-fucking-believable.

"Did you just hustle me, Maura?" I make sure I say it playfully so she knows I'm not pissed. I'm really not. I'm in shock. She laughs and just shakes her head.

"No, Jane. It's really just a simple matter of physics."

"Yeah, I'm sure it is, Maura."

The time has come to pay up. I rub my hands together to hopefully get them to stop sweating, but that just makes them clammy. I want to be able to do this one simple thing for her. I want her to know I'm always going to come through on my promises.

"You really don't have to—"

"No. I really do. I want to."

I hold out my hand for her to take. She slowly reaches out and puts her hand on mine. Her touch is feather light. I know she doesn't want to scare me off, but this really doesn't fucking count as holding hands. I tighten my grip and lace our fingers together, ignoring how it's getting harder to breathe. She looks up and me and gives me that smile that's reserved only for me and my breathing slows down as my heartbeat quickens. But for once, it's a good thing. I don't let go all the way back to the car. My hand is sweating all over hers, but I know she wouldn't trade it for the world. And neither would I.

….

**Sorry for tricking you with the dream thing! I just don't like using italics for them. It throws everything off. Tell me about how cruel I am via review if you please. (:**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I still don't own. **

**A/N: I love you for your reviews! You guys are great. The next chapter will start the camping trip thing. The first half of this leads into a more important second half. And I know it takes longer for a broken hand to heal, but it's fucking Jane Rizzoli and she does what she wants.**

**xx**

It's Maura's birthday. I didn't even know it until I walked into work this morning and saw a card from her assistant on her desk. I was kinda pissed that she didn't tell me sooner so I could've gotten her something, but then she told me she never celebrated them when she was younger and didn't see the point in starting now. Then I just felt really fucking bad for her. What kind of parents don't even tell their kid 'Happy Birthday'? So even though I didn't have time to get her anything important, I figured a little birthday sex wouldn't hurt.

I walk in Maura's kitchen and set a brown grocery bag on the counter. Maura's out on the patio reading a book. Some kind of medical junk no one else would understand, I'm sure. I walk into her bedroom and into her closet. I almost decide to fuck with her and mix up all the shoe boxes, but I'm not quite sure if she'd laugh or kill me, so I decide not to at the last minute. I pull out a black Gucci dress that makes her look un-fucking-believable, her tallest pair of black heels, and a black lace strapless bra. As I'm setting them out on the bed, Maura walks in to the bedroom.

"Jane?"

I turn around and see her eyeing me suspiciously. I told her I had a surprise for her tonight, but I doubt she thought I'd be dressing her, too. But I can't even help myself. I really love that fucking dress.

I give her a smile and walk to the door.

"Don't worry. Get dressed, I'll come get you when I'm done."

She gives me a smile that tells me she already likes where this is going. I shut the door as I walk to the kitchen to set up. I can't even fucking wait. I've never done this with anyone, probably because I've never cared about anyone as much as I care about Maura. This would be too intimate to do to anyone that came before _him, _much less the random chicks that came after.

I set everything up and walk into the bedroom. I walk to where she's standing in front of the mirror and stand behind her. I slowly finish zipping up the back of her dress and turn her around to face me. I take a few steps back to look at her and I swear I almost stop fucking breathing. She looks _amazing. _Absolutely perfect. If I wouldn't feel so sappy, I'd tell her just that. But it's Maura. I don't have to say it. She knows exactly what I'm thinking even when I don't want her to. She knows what she's doing to me right now. She knows exactly how amazing she looks.

I reach up and pull one of her silk scarves off the door and walk to her. She's looking me straight in the eye. She trusts me completely. I've never given her a reason not to. Hell, I never will. That much I'm sure of. I hold it up in front of her face.

"May I?" If it had been anyone else, I would've told them they were going to let me. But this is Maura. I may not be able to let go of all my control, but I can sometimes. Only with her, though.

She smiles and I know I'm going to get what I want. She lets out a laugh and answers.

"Of course, Jane. I trust you."

I reach up and tie it around her eyes so she can't see. I made sure to double it over so it wasn't transparent. I go back to the door and get another scarf and tie her hands together. I run my finger under them to make sure they aren't too tight. I see her body shiver and her lips part. I'm pretty sure she's thinking this is going to be entirely different than what it is. But I know she's gonna like what I'm about to do even more.

I lead her into the dining room and sit her down on one of the chairs at the table. She rests her tied hands on the edge of it. I pull another chair up so that I'm sitting right next to her. So close that our thighs are pressed together. I feel the heat from her body. She wiggles a little so her legs are spread open just more than what I'd call ladylike. She's turned on and loving it. I let out a short laugh because shit, we haven't even gotten started. I reach up and stroke her cheek with my hand and she instantly grins.

"I'm going to feed you different things. I want you to tell me what they are out loud. Understand?" I see the panic set in on her face even though her eyes are covered. I know exactly what's about to come out of her mouth.

"But, Jane...I-I don't like to guess! It makes me break out in—" She trails off once I start laughing. I want her to enjoy tonight as much as I plan to, it's her birthday after all. I can't possibly do that if she's covered in hives and passed out on the floor.

I bring my thumb up to her mouth and trail the length of her bottom lip. So soft and pink and perfect.

"Like I said, don't worry. You'll know exactly what I'm feeding you. You won't have to guess. I just like hearing your voice. So tell me what I feed you out loud."

I see her visibly relax at that. She trusts me. And like I said, I won't do anything to break that.

I reach over to a plate I have set out and grab a chocolate covered strawberry. She told me chocolate was an aphrodisiac, although by the looks of her flushed skin I won't be needing any help in that department tonight. I bring it to her lips.

"Open," I whisper. She takes a bite and smiles. After fudge clusters, these things are her favorite. As she's chewing, I put my left hand on her thigh and slowly drag it upwards under her dress to where I can feel wetness on her thigh. This is why I didn't lay out underwear for her. I knew it'd get to her like this.

"What was it?" I say it as deep and raspy as I can. I know how hot it makes her. She trails her tongue across her upper lip even though there isn't a damn thing there. Dear God, this woman is going to kill me. I may love being in charge, but it's fucking hard to resist Maura when she's in a sexy mood.

"Chocolate covered strawberry."

"Good girl. I think that deserves a reward." I bring two fingers up to her core and run them up and down her slit. She's so wet that my fingers are gliding up and down without a hitch.

"You're wet. I like that." She lets out a moan that almost makes me stop and fuck her against the table right then and there. But, that's not what I have planned. Yet.

I keep my fingers moving as I reach over to the next thing. I press it to her lips until she opens them and takes a bite. I can tell she's having a hard time chewing since she's panting so hard. I pinch at her clit and rub it between my fingers. She lets out a gasp so I let it go and go back to just rubbing her. I don't want her to come just yet.

"What was that?" My two fingers haven't stopped yet. I keep sliding them up and down through her wetness. Every so often, I circle her clit and stop just before she starts to moan. She's just sitting here breathing hard and hasn't given me an answer. I'd really like her to answer me.

"Maura?"

I slow down my fingers so she knows what'll happen if she can't answer. I know she really wants me to keep going, so she tries as best as she can.

"That was…ah…I think, um …it was cake…ah, chocolate cake."

I give a smirk, even if she can't see it.

"Very good. Do you want to be rewarded this time, too?" She nods her head anxiously. She probably thinks I'm about to let her come. But, I'm not. This is just too good of an opportunity to miss.

I stop rubbing her and move my hand away from her core. She lets out the most pitiful whimper that I almost feel bad for her. Almost.

"Open."

She opens her mouth and I stick my fingers inside. Those same two fingers that have been trailing up and down her folds for the past ten minutes. I feel her tongue circle my fingers, dip down between them, curl all around them, making sure to get off every last drop of herself. I slowly pull them out and feel them drag across her teeth. She gives me an answer before I even have to ask.

"Me."

Holy fucking shit, I lose it at the way her voice dropped lower than I've ever heard it. The way I can still feel her tongue on my fingers and how they still smell like her. The way she's licking her lips like she's the best thing she's ever tasted in her life. I fucking love control, but at this moment….I could honestly fucking care less. Fuck my plan. This opportunity is just too fucking good to miss. I'd ask her if she'd like to be rewarded, but I already know she does so I don't even waste my time.

I pull her up and push her upper body down on the table—tied hands rest on the table above her head. I push up her dress to where it's around her waist. I don't even bother getting her worked up because she's already fucking dripping. I gather her hair up in my right fist and gently pull back as I push in three fingers. She's fucking tight as hell and I love it. She feels just as good as I knew she would. I give in a couple of slow thrusts to get her body used to me. I don't have wait too long though, 'cause she starts begging me for more.

"More, Jane."

"More?" Holy shit. I can't even believe what I'm hearing right now.

"More. Plea—ah….fuck."

She yells out as I shove in a fourth finger. I can't tell if it's in pleasure or pain or a mixture of both. But she hasn't told me to stop, so I keep going.

"Faster. Please, Ja—gah"

I push in and out faster and faster until she starts clenching and it gets harder to move. I don't want her to come this way. No. I'm loving the way she cries out. And by how soaking wet she is, I'm pretty sure she's loving it, too. I pull my fingers completely out and relax my grip on her hair so she can rest her head back down on the table.

"Jane. _Please._" She's begging me. Fucking shit, I love it.

She's breathing hard now and I can't even fucking wait to hear her scream.

"Please, Ja—ahh"

I cut her off by yanking back on her hair and pushing those four fingers back in her at once. She screams out and dear God, I almost fucking lose it. I keep my grip on her hair as I move in and out as fast as I can. I can see her biting her lip trying to stifle her moans, but I can't have that. I need to hear her. The best thing you will ever hear in your entire life is Maura Isles screaming out and begging you for more. I start pushing in and out-hard and fast. I see a lone tear streak down her face but she hasn't said the word so I don't stop. My biceps are burning so I know this has to hurt at least a little. But she hasn't said the word so it must feel pretty damn good, too.

"Oh..good..gah..this…Jane…fuck…ahh."

Finally, she releases her bottom lip and starts yelling the most incoherent strand of words I've ever heard. And it's so fucking sexy. I start to feel her legs shake so I know she's close. Her walls are tightening around me so it's making me go a little slower, a little softer but not much.

"Come for me, Maura. Come, _now_."

And holy fucking shit, she comes as if it's on cue. I've never felt so utterly in control before in my entire fucking life. She yells out and I feel her spasms around me, but I don't even slow down. I keep thrusting in and out until she's screaming my name all over again. I wanna keep going but I can tell her legs are about to give out on her and I don't want to hurt her. I slowly pull out. She yelps and winces at the loss of contact. I pull down her dress and let her rest, calm her breathing for a few minutes before I help her wobbly stand up. I undo the scarf around her hands and remove the blindfold. I reach up and rub her cheeks as she gives me a smile that I love so much. I lean over and plant a soft kiss upon her lips.

"Was that okay?"

I really hope it was. I feel like I may have went a little over board, even though she was begging me for more the whole time. I don't want to do anything she doesn't like even if it's something I like. I want it to be about her, about the things she wants. But she's giving me this smile and I know what I did was just fine.

"It was more than okay." I reach up and wipe a few wayward strands of hair away from her face.

"Good. Happy Birthday, Maura. I didn't have a chance to get you anything else."

"No. It's perfectly okay, Jane." But then she looks off and down to the ground and I know it must not be perfectly okay. I reach under her chin and guide her face to look at me.

"What is it? You can tell me." I really hope I didn't do something wrong and fucked this up. I just want her to be happy.

"Nothing's wrong, Jane. It's just…do you trust me?" She's looking me right in the eye. And I know there's only one answer to this question.

"Of course I do." And I do. More than I've ever trusted anyone in my entire life. I just really don't know where this is going. She smiles and grabs my arm.

"Okay. Follow me."

…..

She gently pushes me down to where I'm sitting on the edge of her bed and walks to where she's just out of my reach. I don't know where this is going, but I'm not even going to lie—I'm kinda worried.

I watch as she reaches behind her and unzips her dress. It slides down her body and pools at her feet before she kicks it away. She hesitates when she sees me eyeing the black lace bra I laid out for her. I can just barely see her nipples through the fabric. She waits until I give a nod and she quickly takes it off, throwing it on the floor with her dress. All that's left are her heels because she knows I have a thing for them. There's nothing sexier than her butt ass naked in a pair of five inch heels. She stands completely still right in front of me. This is the first time we've actually gotten around to getting her completely naked. She's perfectly confident under my scrutiny of her body, never flinching or trying to hide herself.

Her body is beyond perfection. I went through a slew of women after _him, _taking what I needed before I kicked them out. Not a single one of them even compared to this. I want to run my hands over every inch of her body. Praise it. Cherish it. I raise my arm and motion for her to walk over.

"Maura. I want to touch you."

She walks over to the bed and straddles my lap. Her hands tangle in my hair as I trail my hands up her sides and cup her tits in my hands. I rub my thumbs across her already pert nipples and it's about all she can take. She presses her mouth against mine and instantly forces her tongue inside. It's predatory, like she's trying to devour my very being. She starts rocking her hips against my lap, moaning every so often. I definitely like where this is going.

And then she suddenly pulls back from my face. No, I changed my mind. I do not like where this is going. She reaches down and puts both hands on my cheeks.

"Do you still trust me?" I nod my head and she slowly trails her hands down my neck to the collar of my shirt.

"Is this okay, Jane?"

"Yeah," I whisper.

She looks me in the eye to make sure I'm still okay with it as she undoes each button of my shirt, one by one. After the last one, she just pushes it open without taking in off. Good, this way I'm not worried about my back the whole time. I think she did it just for that very reason, honestly. She's too fucking perfect sometimes. Her hands trail over the top of my bra and down to my stomach. Her fingers trace down the outline of my abs until they get to the top of my pants. Goosebumps form all over my body just from her touch.

"May I?" I smile as I recognize the words I said to her earlier in the evening. Too fucking perfect, like I said.

I nod, words failing me as she crawls off of me and down to the floor between my legs. She unbuttons them and I lift up so she can pull them off. She drops them unceremoniously to the floor before looking back up at my face with her hands on my knees.

"We can stop anytime, Jane. I promise I'll stop. All you have to do is say the word."

"Okay."

I know it's true. Maura will stop if I tell her to. But, I already have a feeling I won't. I don't really have a problem with this if she's gonna let me tell her what she can and can't do.

Her fingers dip under the band of my underwear and I lift back up so she can pull them off. Her hands then slide up my legs and rest on my thighs, pulling them open. I feel her hands move closer to my center and I tense up.

"Don't use your hands." She looks up at me and I see understanding in her eyes.

"Okay, Jane. No hands."

She moves in and tentatively runs her tongue against me before pulling back to make sure I'm okay. I can't even answer, I just put one of my hands in her hair and pull her back against me. My head lolls back as she works her tongue against my clit, her breath hot against me. I start panting hard as she works me up and then brings me back right before I can fall over the edge. Her tongue travels lower to my entrance and I tighten my grip in her hair.

"No. Not there."

I feel her nod against me before trailing back up and pulling my clit into her mouth. She starts doing some shit I've never felt before in my life and it is fucking amazing. I always knew she'd be good. I suck in a huge breath of air as I feel my body tense up.

"I'm com-"

I expel the air in a hiss as I feel it rip through my body. I can honestly fucking say it's the best thing I've ever experienced, hands down. She keeps going until I fall back against the bed and my hips jerk away from her from not being able to handle any more of her fucking amazing tongue fuckery. She pulls back and swipes her thumb across her lips as she climbs back on the bed and lays down facing me.

I can't help but smile at her as big as she's smiling at me. It was fucking amazing, and I'm glad I finally let her do it. She reaches over and trails her fingers over the contours of my face. I involuntarily shiver from the feeling of her feather light tracings on my skin.

"Thank you, Jane."

She leans in and gives me a quick kiss before pulling back a few inches from my face. I furrow my brow. I'm pretty sure I'm the one that's supposed to be thanking her for even letting me be in the same room with her.

"What for? I'm pretty sure I should be thanking you." She lets out a little laugh, amused since I really have no fucking idea what she's talking about.

"For letting me do that, Jane. It will always be my favorite birthday present. It definitely makes up for all the times I went without one."

Well if that doesn't just fucking break your heart, I don't know what the hell will. I haven't even met her parents, but I can already tell they must be the scum of the earth. I don't even understand how in the fucking world they _didn't _want to do something for her. I'd do anything just to see her smile and make her happy. It pisses me the hell off that they couldn't even take the time to do that for her. I reach over and run my finger down the length of her nose just so I can see that smile they missed out on.

"I hate that you weren't treated the way you deserved to be treated all those years, Maura." That earns me another smile. I swear her face is going to freeze like that considering how often she does it.

"Don't be, Jane. You've more than made up for it."

I say nothing because I don't even know what the fuck to say to that. I don't even know how someone as damaged as me has made up for her shitty childhood, but I'm not going to question it. Not tonight, anyway. So I just pull her close to me and run my hands across her back and down her sides, making sure to spend extra time on the places she's ticklish just to see her squirm.

After a while I start to get tired and I know she's almost out. I don't want to leave even though I know I have to again. I've only had one night where I didn't wake up in a panic in the last week, it would be risking it to stay here tonight. Even if it is her birthday and I just want to see her happy. This fucking sucks.

"Maura, I have to go."

She's barely awake so she still hears me. But instead of getting up, she just burrows her head closer into my neck.

"Five more minutes, Jane. Please"

If there was only one thing I could fucking change about the aftermath _he _left me with, it would be the nightmares. I want nothing more than to stay here with her. Feel her breath on my neck; smell and feel her against me throughout the night. But no, I have to leave the safety of her just to go home and escape to a sleep filled with my own personal hell. It isn't even close to fucking fair. Not to me and especially not to her. I pull her in as close as I can, pretending that if I get her close enough that time will stand still. I really, _really_ don't want to leave.

"Okay. Five more minutes."

…

**Blegh. 4200 words! I'm not sure I like any of 'em though. But, I'm really self-deprecating if you haven't noticed already. Tell me what you think! Please? (:**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**A/N: Thank you for all of your kind words! I love it! And this chapter is going to be kind of long. And not my favorite. Tell me what ya think! Sorry it took longer than usual, I had a ton of stuff going on and this one refused to be an easy write. **

**Oh, and follow me on Tumblr if you have one! It's mainly Sasha and Rizzles feels. Not even sorry. **

**xxxx**

"Maura! Is that what I think it is?"

I have to yell it since she's still upstairs packing only God knows what. But, apparently yelling isn't her style because she comes out of her room and down the stairs—dressed in all new 'camping attire' that looks absolutely ridiculous and unbelievably hot at the same time—just to answer me.

"What are you referring to, Jane?" I know my eyes get huge as I point to this gigantic box in the floor.

"Um, that. It's not going with us." She tilts her head in this cute as hell way that normally gets me to at least compromise with her, but not this time. No fucking way.

"Well, studies have shown that slee—"

"No, Maura. We are _not _taking an air mattress with us. It wouldn't even fit in the tent anyway."

She narrows her eyes and crosses her arms. She's about to make a point that I can't even argue with, I know it. She absolutely irritates the hell out of me with how logically right she is sometimes. No one's dared to stand up to me in a really long fucking time, but when Maura does…it turns me on like no other. Not that I'd ever let that be known, though. Then she'd probably just do it to get whatever she wanted all the time.

"Jane, if your tent is large enough to compensate for two sleeping bags, it will hold a twin sized air mattress."

Damnit. Of course, she's fucking right. But who in the hell takes an air mattress to camp in the middle of the damn woods? I'm pretty sure she even bought one with some pillow top fluff shit on it, too. Ugh. Only Maura. She's looking at me like she knows I'm going to cave and give her what she wants, so it's only necessary for me to act just a little bit difficult, right?

"Maura…" Her arms are still crossed and she just raises her eyebrows.

"Jane."

It's her 'I know I'll get what I want so why are you even fucking with me right now' tone. Shit. She knows how to play me too fucking well. Fuck it. If sleeping on this damn thing will make her happy, then it's fucking coming with us. But I'm not going to act happy about it at all.

"Fine," I turn and shoot her a look as I pick it up and walk towards the door. "But you're the one airing it up." A smile plays at her lips and I know I must've said something amusingly wrong.

"It's self-inflating, Jane."

Of fucking course it is. All I can do is roll my eyes as she sashays her cute ass out the door ahead of me.

…

It's nearly 4:30 by the time we finally show up and my bladder is about to fucking explode inside my body. I get out and go to the trunk to start pulling out our stuff, and Maura is taking her sweet ass time doing only God knows what.

"Hurry up, Maura. I have to pee." She cocks her head and raises her eyebrow.

"Most likely due to the _five _bottles of Pepsi you consumed in a three hour span." I turn back and start picking up the rest of the bags from the car.

"Maybe I was thirsty."

I don't want to tell her that I've been drinking more caffeine today than I have in my entire fucking life just so I won't fall asleep tonight. If I fall asleep, then there will be nightmares and all the shit they bring with them. I don't need that. And I certainly don't need a lecture on the effects caffeine has on your heart or whatever it does. Even though her google rants _are _fucking cute.

"You should've drank water if you were thirsty, Jane. Carbonated beverages only…" She trails off as she follows me through thick as fuck trees to get to a clearing about 25 yards off.

"Jane?"

"Hmm?" It's taking all I've got to not fall over from the 9000 pounds of shit I'm packing. It may be late September, but I'm sweating like a fucking whore in church on Sunday. And, I've never had to carry someone else's things down through here either which really doesn't help matters.

"Are we camping out _here?" _

I can't help but start laughing at her tone as I drop everything to the ground in the clearing. Of course Maura would think we'd be going to some froufrou campground with toilets made of gold. I probably should've told her we'd have to sleep and pee in the woods earlier, but I'm glad I didn't. She might not have come and I'm honestly happy she's here with me.

"Yeah, Maur. We are. But don't worry, I'll show you my favorite pissing tree."

Her eyes nearly bulge out of her head at that. I start laughing all over again as I grab a toilet paper roll and drag her out to where we can do our business and get started with the tent shit.

….

After over an hour of Maura debating the best location to set up and the most efficient way to shove that damn air mattress in my tiny as hell single person tent, I hear the clan coming. I look up and see Frankie, then Tommy, then Tommy's _newest_ skank, and…no Ma. What the actual fuck.

"Where's Ma?" Frankie looks over to me from where he's setting up his state of the art tent that could hold 980 people—even though the only person he ever shares it with is Ma, wherever the fuck she is—to answer me.

"She couldn't get off work in time to leave with us. Said she'd be here later tonight, though."

"So, she's going to drive three hours by herself in the middle of the night?" All he does is shrug his shoulders as he turns back around.

"Yeah, guess so."

Great. Not only do I have to deal with Tommy and his skank without Ma running interference, I'll be worrying about her wrecking on her way here. Wouldn't that be a fucking great campfire story.

I go to grab another Pepsi before I smell something I would be able to fucking recognize anywhere. My head pops up at breakneck speed—as does Frankie's and Maura's—to see Tommy and his hooker girlfriend lighting a joint. An honest to God fucking joint. I'm so mortified and pissed right now, I can't even see straight. Maura doesn't need to see how fucked up my family is on top of how fucked up I am, too.

"Tommy, what the hell? You do know that me and Frankie are cops, right?"

"Frankie and I, Jane."

I shoot Maura a look I know she doesn't really deserve because she's not the one I'm pissed at. But, it shuts her up for the time being. Frankie walks over and grabs it from Tommy's hands before throwing it out in the woods.

"Hey! I paid good money for that!"

Tommy gets up and shoves Frankie backwards. Frankie's too nice to do anything back so I run over and push Tommy against the nearest tree as hard as I can before he has a chance to do anything else. It knocks the breath out of him and I can tell he's struggling to speak.

"Aw, come on, Jane. I just figured we'd have a good time. Ya know, before Ma got here and all. That's it."

It takes all I have to not lose control and beat the living shit out of him. I won't do that in front of Maura again as long as I can help it. I let go of his shirt and start walking back over to Maura before I hear Tommy yell out to me.

"And, ya know…maybe later I can come over and show Maura a good time, too."

Hell no. No one talks about her like that as long as I can help it. I turn around to go fuck up his sleazy ass face before I feel Maura's hand latching on to my arm.

"Jane, don't. Please."

I care about Maura a hell of a lot more than I care about my screw up brother. So if making sure no one talks shit about her means beating him up, I'd gladly do it. I go to tell her exactly that, but she's having none of it and just starts pulling me out into the woods. I normally don't get pissed at Maura, but I am right now. She kept me from doing what I wanted to do. She drug me out to sit on some rock ledge in the middle of the fucking woods when I really just wanted to bust Tommy's face. She took away my control. And I'm pissed at her for it. And I hate that I'm pissed because she's the one person who doesn't my fucked up temper.

"I really wish you hadn't done that, Maura."

She has me sitting on a rock ledge and she's standing on the ground in between my legs with her hands resting on the tops of my thighs. I look into her eyes and there's not even a hint of uncertainty in them. Far from it, actually.

"Jane…It's just that—"

She can't even finish her sentence before her mouth is pressed against mine, her tongue sliding inside my mouth. It's frantic. Hurried. Hell, it's like she's scared I'm going to disappear in the next 2 seconds. All semblance of pissed fly straight out the fucking window as I feel her body pressing against mine and her hands cupping my face, weaving into my hair. She starts panting and moaning as I suck her bottom lip into my mouth and I'm afraid she's going to come right then and there. It'd still be fucking sexy, but it'd be a waste since I actually didn't get to touch her.

So I do what I always do and take charge of the situation. I push my hand into her pants—thanking the lord that they are stretchy enough for me to actually have room to move—and push two fingers into her none too gently. She cries out and grabs onto my upper arms, steadying herself. She shifts her legs further apart as I pull my fingers out as far as I can against the constraint of her pants before pushing back into her. I make sure my palm rubs against her clit on every upward thrust. It doesn't take long until I know she's about to come undone.

"Jane, I'm so—"

"Shhh!"

My hand stills as I hear footsteps not too far off and Frankie yelling my name. I know Maura has heard him too, but she just starts grinding down on my fingers anyway.

"I'm really, really close, Jane."

I can see the almost pained look on her face and start thrusting into her again, praying to God she comes before Frankie finds us. This is something I definitely don't want him to see. Not that I'm ashamed. This is just a part of her I don't want anyone else to see besides me.

My hand starts moving faster as hear Frankie's yells getting closer and closer to us.

"Come on, Maura. Hurry."

"So close, so close."

A few more thrusts are all it takes before I feel her clenching down around my hands. She burrows her face into my neck to stifle her moans as I bring her down from her release. Just as I pull my hand out of her pants, Frankie comes into view.

He eyes Maura's disheveled hair and flushed face and gives me a look that means he knows exactly what we were doing. Damnit.

"Yo, Jane. I just wanted to tell you that Ma's here."

I clear my throat, trying to rid my voice of its desire induced raspyness. "Uhm, okay. We'll be there in a few minutes."

"Yeah, Yeah." He starts laughing as he turns around and starts walking back. Great. I can only imagine how Ma will react if he tells her he caught me fucking Maura in the middle of the woods.

I look up at Maura and I can tell she's pretty embarrassed about Frankie catching us, too. I smile so she hopefully knows I'm not pissed about her dragging me out here _or _getting caught. I just want to know what brought this whole ordeal about. I'm honestly kinda concerned that my brother's offer turned her on and she had to come do this with me since she can't be with him. I can feel my stomach twist in knots the more and more I think about it and now I just really have to fucking know.

"Maura, was all of this because of what Tommy said?"

She gets a confused look on her face before it finally dawns on her that I'm wondering if she really wants him instead of me. She reaches up and puts both hands on my cheeks and moves in so close I can feel her breath on my face.

"No, Jane. Not at all. It's just that…" She looks away as she searches for the right words to say. It must be hard knowing so much and having to go through it all to figure out the absolute correct thing to say. She finally figures it out and looks back at me.

"Remember when you saved me that night in Dorchester? That wasn't the first time someone's kept me from being physical harmed. But, this? I've never had someone stand up to defend my _honor_ before," she lets out a light laugh, "I just found it to be very arousing."

I'm so fucking relieved that I don't even know what to do except pull her into another kiss. After I pull back all I want to do is tell her that I'll protect her fucking honor every damn day if I have to because she's mine and I'll do anything for her. But then I realize that would surely bring about a conversation about possessiveness that I really don't even want to have right now. So I just kiss her again before taking her hand and walking back the way we came.

…..

It's almost completely dark when we get back to camp. Frankie and Tommy are cooking something that smells absolutely terrible over a fire. Ma nearly shits herself when she looks up and sees me holding Maura's hand. Like I said, it's a really big fucking deal and even Ma knows it. She runs over to us and drags us over to sit in some chairs by the fire.

"Don't worry girls, I brought food! I know you both _have_ to be starving and I wouldn't dare make you eat any of _that_."

Before I can say I'd rather not sit out here and watch Tommy sucking face with his two-cent whore, she's plopping her lasagna down on two plates for us and sitting them on our laps.

"This looks exquisite, Mrs. Rizzoli." I roll my eyes at Maura's politeness. Ma is going to disown me and adopt her if she keeps this up.

"Maura, dear, call me Angela. Mrs. Rizzoli makes me feel like an old lady." I knew it. Ma loves her.

"Of course. Angela it is." Maura shoots her one of her best smiles and I'm pretty sure Ma almost faints. It makes me feel just a little less pathetic to know Maura has that effect on everyone and not just me.

After a few minutes of silently eating, I can feel Ma's eyes boring a hole in my head. I know she's got something on her mind that I'm definitely not going to like.

"Out with it, Ma. I know you've got something to say."

She pretends to look taken aback. "Me? No!" She looks down and plays with her fingers for all of two seconds before her head shoots back up. "I was just wondering when you and Maura were going to give me grandbabies. I know the perfect man for you to—"

"Ma! No. We are not talking about this right now." Maura's ears are burning red from a blush that's taken over her whole face and neck. I'm glad Frankie and Tommy are out of earshot or they'd tease the hell out of us. I cannot even believe she would bring this up right now. She knows better than to push me into anything I don't want to do.

"But, Jane! You're certainly not getting any younger. Now's the—"

"Ma…" It's a warning. I'd honestly never chew out my own mother for Christ's sake. But I'm not above storming off and sitting in my car the rest of the night.

Maura seems to sense my mood shift and tries to get us out of this shithole of a conversation. "Jane, would you mind accompanying me? I have …something I would like to get from the tent."

Not the best excuse I've ever heard in my life, but it works. Ma lets us go without another word about babies or other fluffy bullshit I'm not even close to prepared to talk about.

Maura clambers into the tent and I follow, making sure to zip it up behind us. I turn around and see her pulling out a huge ass bottle of scotch. I know I must look like a deer in headlights because I never would've thought she'd have brought alcohol with her. Much less scotch.

"Maura Isles, have you been holding out on me?" She pulls out two tall glasses and starts filling them to the top. If I didn't know any better I'd think she was planning on getting shitfaced.

"Well…no. I was just saving it for the right time." She smiles as she makes herself at home on the middle of mattress. I sit down next to her and oh my fucking God I can't even believe I almost didn't let her bring this thing. It's 9000 times better than a sleeping bag on the ground. It's going to be hard staying awake tonight, I can tell. She hands me a glass and I take a sip. It's so smooth it barely even burns. That shit must've cost a fortune.

"I didn't peg you for a scotch drinker, Maura."

"Although I usually prefer wine, I do occasionally indulge myself." She says it with a playful wink and bumps my shoulder. She's so damn cute I can hardly take it.

"Hmm…there's a lot of things I don't know about you, isn't there?"

Her face kind of goes more serious and she takes a big gulp from her glass. She brings it down from her lips and nods. I know she's probably had her fair share of shit too—I can only hope she hasn't gone through anything nearly as bad as I have. I don't think I could live with knowing she shares the same pain I carry around every day. But, it doesn't change the fact that I want to know every single thing about her. Even the rough stuff she might not like talking about.

"Well, tell me something I don't know. If you want to, anyway. It's not like we have anything else to do."

She leans her head over on my shoulder. I can practically hear the wheels turning in her head.

"Did you know I'm adopted?"

Whoa. I actually didn't know that. I really hope that's not why she has such a shitty family life. She hasn't raised her head so I can't see her eyes. I'm kinda glad. I don't think I could handle seeing the sadness in them.

"No, I didn't. How old were you?"

She lets out a puff of air before finishing off her glass. "I was a baby. I don't know why my biological parents gave me up…Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if they hadn't. I mean, it's not like I had a bad childhood. My adoptive parents gave me everything I needed. From a materialistic standpoint, anyway. They just often lacked giving me the things I needed from them _emotionally._ I like to think maybe my biological parents could've given me that."

"Maybe you'll get to meet them someday." I don't even know what else to say. I'm not very good at cheering people up so I usually deflect. But this is something too painful for her to joke around about.

"Perhaps."

I can tell she's done talking about this by the tone of her voice. She sits up and refills both of our glasses before coming back and leaning against my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her back and pull her closer. She just feels too good against me not to. After a few minutes of sitting in silence and drinking, she starts talking again.

"What's something I don't know about you, Jane?" I let out a little laugh. There's a hell of a lot that she doesn't know. Most of them are so awful that I know I'll never tell her just so she never has to think about it. I try to think of something that's going to put her in a better mood.

"One time, I tried to drunkenly cook ramen noodles and set the top of my stove on fire. That was the first time I ever used a fire extinguisher…the whole building got evacuated."

She starts laughing and barely gets out, "Oh, Jane…you didn't," before laughing all over again. It's honestly the best sound I've ever heard in my life.

"Oh, yes. I did."

After a while she stops laughing and I feel like it's safe to ask her to tell me something else about herself. It doesn't take as long before she thinks of something this time.

"I've never been with a woman before you."

Whoa. What? There's no fucking way. But she can't lie, so it must be true.

"Never?" I'm honestly in shock. She's good. No, _really _good. Especially for never have gone down on a girl before.

"No, never. I've occasionally kissed women, but it never went any further than that."

"Could've fooled me. You deserve an award." She starts laughing again at that.

"What can I say? I'm very well educated on human anatomy."

I can feel the air change between us and it's taking all I've got to not just rip her clothes off right fucking now. I definitely would if it wasn't for the fact that a flimsy piece of nylon is all that separates me from my family and Maura absolutely cannot be quiet whenever I touch her. I have to do _something _to try and lead this conversation in a different direction, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Let's have a drinking contest."

Not my best plan, I'll admit. But Maura shoots away and all but leaps for the bottle like this has been her idea from the start.

"Okay! Let me see your glass."

She fills them up to where they are exactly even with each other and hands it back to me. This is probably going to end up badly, but I can't back down now with her smiling at me like that.

"Alright, first one done wins. One…Two…Three…Go."

It's not nearly as smooth when I'm chugging it back as fast as I can. I dart my eyes over to Maura's glass and she's almost done. Shit, she's _had _to have done this before. A few seconds later, and she's finished. I'm not very far behind, but it's very clear that I lost. Shit. I hate losing.

She throws her hands up in the air and lets out a yell. "I won!"

"Yeah, yeah. Maybe I just _let _you win. Ya know, since you're such a girl and all."

She cocks her head to one side. "Technically, we are both female, Jane…" It takes a second for her to realize the rest of what I said and she narrows her eyes. "Did you really let me win? We'll have to do it again if that's the case," she hiccups, "and I don't really think I can."

I can't possibly lie to her. She won fair and square, I wouldn't feel right about making her doubt herself. "No, Maur. You definitely just kicked my ass all on your own."

"Good," she says through a stifled yawn. I know it can't be any later than nine, but we've already finished off ¾ of the scotch. Not my best idea, like I said.

"I'm sorry. Alcohol is a depressant that often triggers—" Another yawn cuts her off and I know I she probably won't be up much longer.

"Here, let me get your shoes and we can lie down."

I pull them off her feet and set them next to the mattress before lying down beside her. I pull her in to my chest and throw the blanket up on us. With my head swimming from the alcohol and the warmth of her body against me and this fucking amazing air mattress, I know it's going to be hard to stay awake tonight. But I'll be damned if I don't try.

Every so often I start to nod off and then jerk awake. It must be annoying the hell out of Maura because she finally speaks up.

"You can go to sleep, Jane. I'll make sure nothing happens to you."

I almost, _almost _start crying at that. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's just me being a pussy. But I can't get over how fucking nice it feels to have someone want to protect _me _for once. Even though she can't protect me from this, I can't even get over how nice the thought is.

"I know you will. But, don't worry. I'll be fine."

This seems to satisfy her because she cuddles back up to me and promptly falls asleep. The steady warmth of her breath against my neck, the lull of my heartbeat, and the silence of the night prove to be too much after a while. I feel myself get pulled down into sleep and no matter how hard I try, I can't stay awake.

…

I feel his hot, damp breath across my face. It's getting harder to for me to breathe. I try to move my legs but they feel so heavy and leaden even though I know they aren't restrained. He starts laughing at my struggle.

"Oh, Janie. They are always there. They're not always ropes or chains… sometimes words, thoughts… sometimes that fluttering in your chest, the catch of your breath… sometimes only your memories. But they are always there, those bonds tying you to me. They are always there. Because you are mine."

He's on top of me, starting to bind my hands together. I know now is my chance to make a move. I won't stand a fucking chance once I'm tied down. I take a deep breath and flip him over to where I'm straddling him. I pin his wrists above his head as hard as I can. I want to do something, _anything_ to wipe that goddamn grin off his face. But all I can do is let out strangled whispers through my sobs.

"I'm not yours…I'll never be yours…Never…I'm not yours..."

….

"Jane…"

"_Jane."_

"Jane!"

Maura's voice pulls me out of my sleepy haze. I come to and realize I'm straddling her, pinning her hands above her head just like I was to _him _in my dream. She's not scared, but she should be. There's no telling what I could've done to her. I immediately release her hands and climb off of her, moving as far away from her in what little space we have. I drop my head into my hands and cry so hard my body is shaking. I don't even care about how loud I'm being, no one will come to see if I'm okay anymore. Not since Frankie came to check on me when he heard me screaming from a nightmare and I punched him in the face on accident. I could've hurt her worse than I did and no one would've been there to stop me. I never would've been able to forgive myself. Hell, I don't even know if I ever will now.

I feel the mattress dip down as she scoots to where she's facing me. She pulls my hands away from my face and makes me look at her.

"Jane, it's okay. It's noth—"

"I hurt you, Maura. That is _not_ okay."

"It wasn't—"

"Tell me I didn't hurt you, Maura. Tell me."

She bites her lip and finally looks away from my face. I gently grab one of her arms and pull it to where I can see her wrist. Blue-green bruises are already forming against the white of her pale skin.

"You can't tell me I didn't hurt you, because I did. And you can't lie." She pulls her arm from my grasp and brings both hands up to my cheeks. Her thumbs wipe away the tears on my face. It feels so good that I almost start crying all over again. I don't deserve her. I hurt her. She deserves so much more than anyone that would lay a hand on her—consciously or not.

"Jane. Listen to me. It _is _okay, because you didn't do it purposely. It was…"

"…Out of my control. Yeah, I know."

I make a move to get up so I can go get some fresh air and probably have a pity party for one, but she grabs my hand to hold me in place. Her eyes are pleading with me, begging me to stay.

"Jane. Please don't go." I start to get frustrated with her. She doesn't see how bad this could've been.

"What if I hadn't grabbed your wrists, Maura? What if it was your neck? What if I killed you before you even had the chance to wake up? Would that be okay since it wasn't on purpose?"

She looks away then. She has nothing to say. Hell, what _could _she say to that. I'm right and she knows it.

"Exactly. It's _not_ okay."

I feel broken. Empty. She _has _to see why it's a bad idea to be with someone like me now. She's going to walk out on me just like I've walked out on everyone in the past five years. I honestly don't know if I could handle it. She's changed me so much—made me so much better—that I know I'll break apart if she's not here to hold me together. Just when I'm about to work up enough nerve to try and leave again, she leans in and kisses me. It's soft. Not about passion. Not one to lead to something else. It's about comfort. Forgiveness. Reassurance.

"Just…don't leave me, Jane. Please? We'll work through this _together._ I'll stay awake with you the rest of the night if that's you want. Please don't give up on us just because of this."

I know it'd be for the best if I ended things right now before we get sucked into this any deeper. I know she deserves so much more than anything I can give her. I'm not being fair to her by keeping her around. I know I'm not and I know I should let her go. But, I can't. I know I wouldn't be able to make it without her. And somehow, I know she wouldn't make it without me either.

"I won't ever leave you, Maura. I promise."

…

**A/N: So this was super long and I'm sure most found it boring. I'm very sorry! I tried! What would you like to see next? I don't really think I want to write what I'm thinking about writing for the next chapter. And no one else does either, I'm sure. So you better give me ideas or I'll be forced to write the chapter of gut-wrenching tears and curse words. Please review! **


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: We all know what these characters would be doing if they were mine. **

**A/N: Oh my goodness, you guys are great. I got a super confidence boost over that last chapter. Thank you, thank you! Sorry this one took a little while, I had to think about what I really wanted to do. Luckily, it's not what I had planned on writing…that comes later. We need a tiny bit of an angst break, right? You can't say I don't love ya! Even though this one is kinda short.**

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After deciding that we would leave as soon as it was light outside, there was no more talking the rest of the night. Both of us were way too wired to sleep, so I just sat and held her in my lap against me. Every now and then I'd hear her breath catch like she wanted to say something, but she'd just go back to playing with my fingers or running her hand up and down my arm. Probably just to reassure herself that I was still there. But like I said, I won't ever leave her. And I meant that. Not only would it break her trust in me, I don't think I could because it'd hurt both of us too damn much.

Around six, the sun finally decides to make an appearance. My eyelids are drooping and Maura's stomach is growling like a damn grizzly bear, so we don't even bother with taking down the tent. Frankie will probably do it for me, but if he doesn't I honestly don't fucking care. I just grab our bags and walk us silently back to the car so I can take her somewhere to get some food. It's not a weird, awkward silence that I dread with a fucking passion—it's just silence. Like we're both just glad to be around each other.

I blast the cool air to keep me awake and hold Maura's hand as I drive almost thirty minutes to the nearest diner. It's a little shabby and worn down, but it's where we'd always stop on the way home. Granted, it was for dinner instead of breakfast, so I'm hoping it will still at least be halfway tolerable. If Maura's disgusted by it, she doesn't show it. I'm sure she's just glad to get some food in her stomach regardless of what the hell it is.

After this tiny little old Asian lady—that would most certainly fit in my pocket with room to spare—brings us out some coffee, Maura finally decides to break our silence.

"Jane…"

I run a hand through my hair before looking up at her. She's tired, I can see it all over her face even though she's trying to hide it. Her eyes always give her away. I can also tell she's kind of nervous. I reach across the table and hold her hand, silently letting her it's okay.

"Would you like to talk about what happened?"

I look back down and start stirring coffee with my free hand so fast a little sloshes over the side. "No."

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?"

I still don't look up. I know if I do and see the concern she has for me in her eyes, I might start crying all over again. "No."

She goes to say something else, but the lady brings over our food. Before walking away, she spies the bruises on the inside of Maura's wrist from where her sleeves have ridden up and gives me a glare from fucking hell. I slowly pull my arm back and start poking around at the runny eggs on my plate. I'm still so wound up from last night that the sight of food honestly just makes me want to gag. Maura has already scarfed down over half of her damn veggie omelet in all of five minutes. I didn't peg her for someone who ate a lot, but I sure was fucking wrong. I just guess it isn't as bad when it's healthy food instead of the junk I always eat.

Just when I'm sure she's about to pick up the plate and lick it, she looks back up at me. Her eyes are watery and I just want to pull her into a hug and never let her go.

"Are we okay, Jane?"

I pick up one of the untouched pieces of bacon on my plate and plop it on hers. "We'll be okay if you eat that."

"Wha—"

"Eat it." I say it with a smile, so she knows I'm not mad. I just know she's been eyeing that piece of bacon for the past ten minutes and I want her to not feel bad about eating it. I watch as she smiles and finishes it in .03 seconds flat.

"Yeah, we're okay. Don't worry."

I reach over and take her hand in mine again, thankful that the woman isn't around to give me any more of her stink eye. I get caught up in rubbing my thumb over the purple bruises. I can't believe I did that. It doesn't matter that she thinks it's okay. Because it's not and I _don't_ think it's okay. I just wish there was something I could do to never make this happen again. Maura's voice pulls me back out of my head before I can think about things much more.

"Jane…will you do something for me?"

"What do you want me to do?" I can't say 'yes' because it might be something awful and I'd feel bad about having to change my mind and say 'no'. And I can't say 'no' because this is Maura and I at least want to hear her out.

She starts biting her lip like she's scared it might be the wrong thing to say, so I gently squeeze her hand so knows it's okay to go on.

"It's been proven that writing down nightmares from the night before often decreases their occurance, so," she looks back up at me before looking back down at some speck on the table, "I think it would be beneficial for you to do that as well."

I lean back in the booth as I think about it. That wouldn't be so fucking bad, would it? They're certainly fucking vivid enough that I could write down everything. And as long as I don't have to show anybody, I definitely think I can do this for her. For me. Whatever.

"Will anybody else see it?"

She looks up at me and smiles, probably glad I didn't just reject her right on the spot. I know she told me she had a hard time asking for things, but jesus it's like she thinks she'll melt if she actually lets people know what she wants.

"No, of course not. Not unless you want them to, Jane."

Then I can definitely do this. Especially if it means I'll eventually get to hold her against me as I sleep without worrying about accidently killing her. I'd probably go to the ends of the earth just to be able to do that, honestly. I stand and walk to her side, helping her stand up. I press a kiss against her lips that I know I'll never tire of feeling. I pull back and nod my head.

"Well, then…yes. I can do that."

**A/N: short. Pretty boring, pretty standard. I'm sorry. I just needed to tie up those loose ends before doing much else. Next chapter will be better! **

**And check out the fic I just posted tonight. Should I continue it or not? xxx**

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	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**A/N: Sorry about the lack of greatness in the last chapter, I just felt like it needed to be finished up and nothing else really went well with it. Thank you all for your reviews! They mean so much. And here's the latest installment! Tell me if you enjoy (:**

**xxxxxxxx**

I carry Maura's bags up to her room and set them down on the chair in the corner. It's fucking huge, I honestly swear it's bigger than my couch. I really want to sit down in it, but I know I'd probably fall asleep. I was lucky that I was able to stay awake during the three hour drive back, but I'm not sure I can hold out much longer.

I turn to go tell Maura goodbye so I can go home and pass the hell out for a little while, but she's standing at the door with a smile on her lips.

"Thank you, Jane."

I walk over and put my hands on her waist and give her a kiss. "I don't know what you could possibly be thanking me for, but you're welcome."

Her hands reach up and cup my face as her eyes search my face, looking for a sign of what, I don't know. "Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone anymore."

Her voice cracks and I can tell that she really, truly means what she says. She must've spent more time alone than I could ever even imagine. I really don't understand how anyone—especially her parents—could _not _want to get to know her. She's perfect in every fucking way. And I don't plan on letting her feel like she's ever lonely again.

I press my forehead to hers and run one of my hands through her hair. Being sappy isn't really my thing, but she needs to hear how I feel and I plan on giving her everything she needs to be happy. "I'm going to make sure you never feel alone, Maura. You don't ever have to worry about that again, okay?"

Her eyes close and she nods against me. All my tiredness leaves me as I realize what she needs from me. What she needs to know I'm not just going to say bullshit lines like that and leave her high and dry.

I tilt her chin up between my finger and thumb and slowly start kissing her. It's gentle, exploratory. I don't just plan on fucking her. I plan on letting her know that I need her for so much more than just that. I pull back with her lip between my teeth, letting it go as slowly as I can.

"Jane," she all but breathes it out. Like my name is her saving grace. All I know is that she sure as hell is mine and I plan on letting her know just that.

I start kissing from her lip, up her jaw, until I get to that one place under her ear that drives her fucking nuts. Her head rolls away from me so I can have more room to lick and suck at it. We're both panting hard by now, but I don't speed up. I want to remember everything about her. Every sound that tumbles from her lips, every touch against her skin, every feeling she draws out of me.

I finally pull back and walk her over to the side of the bed. My hands dip under her shirt and trail up her smooth stomach, pulling her shirt up as I go. She raises her arms so I can tug it off. She looks down at mine and I know she wants to feel my skin against her without any barriers in the way, but she's still not confident enough to ask. So I don't make her ask. I just pull mine off and throw it somewhere on the ground. She's looking at me like she just wants to devour me, and I'm pretty sure that's how I'm looking at her. I forget myself for a minute and quickly pull off her bra and pants before standing back up and remembering that this isn't just about having sex. I slowly undo my own pants and step out of them before undoing my bra and throwing it to the floor, keeping eye contact the entire time. Her breath hitches as she sees my chest completely bare for the first time. I almost jump her without even thinking, once again, but I luckily hold back.

I lick my lips and remember to have some semblance of self-control as I push her down against the bed. My eyes roam over her body as I slowly climb up and position myself above her. Her knees open wider to let my body fit between her legs. I relish the feel of my bare chest rubbing against her smooth stomach. It's one of the best feelings I've ever felt, hands down. We've never taken the time to go slow—I was afraid I'd feel too open, too exposed. But right at this moment, I don't feel any of that. I feel like this is something I've been looking for my whole life and just didn't know it.

I trail kisses down her collarbone to her chest that's covered with faint freckles. Her chest is heaving up and down as I work my way down to one of her rigid nipples. I haven't had the chance to explore them like I plan on doing right now. I bring one in my mouth and twirl my tongue around it before sucking it into my mouth. Her hands wrap in my hair, holding me against her as her back arches up into me. I trail over to the other side and our hips start rolling against each other. We both still have underwear on, but I have never been more turned on in my entire life.

I keep sucking and biting and licking at her nipple and rubbing the other with my hand as she bucks against me.

"Jane, don't st—"

One final tug with it between my teeth and I feel her arch, tense up, and then fall back against the bed breathing hard. Her head is back against the pillows and her eyes are closed. It's the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen. Especially if I think what just happened really just happened.

"Maur, did you just…"

"Yes. I did," she replies without even opening her eyes.

Holy shit. I've never hid the fact that I knew I was good. But fuck, I didn't think I was _that _good. I roll off beside her and run my fingers over her stomach until she rolls on her side and looks at me. I can tell we aren't done by the way her eyes are roaming over me. I feel like she's trying to memorize me just as much as I wanted to memorize her.

Her hand comes over until it's mere inches from my chest before it stops and she looks up at me. "Is it okay if i—"

"Yeah, of course." My tits might be small, but I've never been shy about 'em—I'd look pretty fucking weird if I was this skinny and toned with huge boobs—so I really don't fucking care if she touches me there. Especially if that's what she wants.

Her hand trails up my stomach and palms me, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Her fingers start pinching and rubbing over my nipple so I have to give in and kiss her. I bring my hand up to her face and pull her so close our chests are touching again. Our tongues never fight for dominance, it's clear that I always have it. But it's just something about the way she moans into my mouth and bites at my lip that always makes me feel like I'm the one at her mercy.

Slowly she pulls back with red lips and looks me in the eye. I'm breathing hard and I'm aching from wanting to come so bad right fucking now, but I'm thinking that's not how she plans on doing things. And that scares the hell out of me.

"Jane, can I try something?" Oh shit. I knew it. I know she's not planning on trying to fuck me with a dildo or anything 'cause I'd up and leave, but still. I don't like not being in control of what people do with me.

She must see the uncertainty in my eyes because she pulls off her underwear and crawls to where she's looking down at me from over my knees.

"No hands, I remember. But if this is uncomfortable for you, just let me know. I'll stop. I'll always stop if you tell me to, Jane."

And I know she will if I ever ask. I lift up so she can pull my underwear off and open my knees, hoping she'll just go down on me like last time. No such luck. She moves to where she's straddling one of my legs and lifting the other. I know where this is going. I haven't been topped in a really fucking long time and I'm freaking the hell out just a little bit. But I don't want her to stop, not unless I really know I can't handle it. I take a few deep breaths and remind myself it's just Maura as I relax my body.

Her hands come up and press down against my abs as she lowers herself. My hips involuntarily buck up as she presses her center down onto me. She stays still and waits until I calm down.

"Is this okay?"

I nod my head and clench the sheet up in my fists as she slowly starts to grind against me. It's been so long that someone's touched me like this and it feels so good that I know I won't last very long. My body relaxes even more as I start to push up to meet her each time she rolls her hips. I'm no longer panicked. I don't know why I ever was. This is Maura and she'll never do something to me that I don't want. This is Maura and she'll take care of me just like I take care of her. I feel the tingle in my arms and legs and know I'm about to fucking come as much as I want this to keep going.

"Maura, I'm gonna—"

"Wait…almost..."

Her nails dig into my abs and I try to fight it off so she can come with me, but it's just too fucking much. My hips shoot off the bed as I feel my orgasm shoot through me. Less than a second later, Maura cries out and falls over against my chest. We're both panting hard as she keeps slowly grinding against me, trying to make sure we both ride out to the end.

I finally can't take anymore and my hips jerk back. She stops but doesn't move from her spot. And I'm glad. I can feel her heartbeat and breath against my chest, and it feels like the warmth of her body is all around me. I bring my arms up around her back and hold her against me in case she tries to move, even though I know she's just as comfortable laying here like this as I am. We might not have had the best night together last night, but I slowly feel the guilt seeping out of me as she traces her hand along my collarbones. Without her, I would've been stuck in that miserable fucking cycle for the rest of my life. But, now I'm willing to change. Not only for myself, but mainly for her.

"Thank _you_, Maura, for being the one to show me that being alone won't protect me. For being the one that's saved me."

…

**A/N: Too cheesy? Yeah, yeah. I know. But tell me what ya think!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**A/N: I'm so glad the last chapter didn't disappoint! I wish I could maybe post these every day, but I don't have anything written ahead anymore. And I never know what I'm going to do in a chapter until I actually start writing it, which kind of takes more time. But thank you all for your wonderful reviews, they really keep me interested in writing more of this!**

**Oh, and I'm thinking about writing shorter chapters (around 1,500-2,000 words) so I can update more frequently. Is anyone opposed to that? Let me know!**

**xxxxxx**

I thought I'd be a hardass and try to take down a guy jumping on his fucking motorcycle. Instead, my hand gets caught between his leg and some piece of shit on his bike and he ended up dragging me down the road on my back. It didn't take much more than 15 seconds for me to untangle myself, but the damage was done. And I can fucking feel it.

I'm lying flat on my back, willing my eyes not to water. Searing pain is ripping through me as I try not to fucking move. Pieces of asphalt are embedded in it, I can tell. Frost runs over and extends his arm to help me. I reach up and he grabs my arm—knowing better than to touch my hands, that's still only something Maura can do—and pulls me up to my feet. I wince as my back bends as I try to stand.

"You okay, partner," he asks, trying to walk around to look at the damage.

I shoot him a look and turn to where he can't see anything. I know my shirt is ripped and caked to me, I don't want him seeing the scars underneath. If they're still visible under the mess that fucker on the motorcycle just made. "Yeah. Just take me home."

I half fucking limp back to his cruiser and sit down, angling my back to the door so he can't see shit and I don't accidently bump it against the seat. He sees me clenching and unclenching my hands and must know that I don't feel too fucking great.

"You sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital and get that looked at?"

I give him a look that surely makes him want to die. "I'm not going to the fucking hospital."

He quickly looks back at the road as he drives. "Alright, alright. Do you…want me to maybe call Maura so she—"

"No. I don't. What part of 'take me home' don't you understand?"

I know I shouldn't be so mean to him, he's a great partner and a damn good friend. He's put up with all my shit over the years, which is more than I can say for most. I probably do need to go to the hospital or call Maura or something, but I just can't. I don't need anyone poking and prying and asking about what happened to me. It's just not something I want to fucking talk about with anyone.

We finally pull up to my apartment and I weakly mumble a thanks. The pain is finally starting to be more than I can take. Frost has the decency to look the other way as I get out and walk inside, which I'm really fucking grateful for.

As soon as I'm in the door, I peel my shirt off. It's stuck to my back and hurts like a bitch, but I finally yank it free. I look down at it in my hands. The back has huge ass holes in it and it's covered in black from the road and red from my blood. I yank my bra off and realize it has a hole in the back, too. I don't even fucking bother with putting them up, I just throw them in the floor and lay face down on the couch. I know I should get the rocks and shit out of the gashes. I know I should probably rinse it out at least, too. But all I really fucking want to do is sleep so maybe I won't feel the constant burning pain anymore.

….

Less than thirty minutes later, I'm jerked from sleep by a pounding on the door. I know exactly who it is and I know I'm going to fucking kill Frost the next time I see him.

"Hold on," I yell as I walk to my bedroom and get the baggiest t-shirt I can find. It doesn't matter though, it still clings and sticks to the blood that is covering my back. It fucking hurts so bad that it's probably a good thing someone is here to help me, as much as I don't want them to.

I open the door and see Maura standing there with a pretty pissed look on her face. Hell, I'd be pretty pissed, too, if something happened to her and she didn't tell me. She crosses her arms and looks me in the eye as she says, "Were you even going to tell me, Jane? I had to find out from Barry that you were injured!"

I just look down and rub the back of my neck as she pushes her way past me inside. I turn and look at her before she has time to see the shirt stuck to my back, and stare at her. She's standing there, not even blinking—waiting on me to tell her what happened. But, I really don't want to so I just stare right back at her.

That is, until her eyes start watering and she drops her head. I really, really don't ever want to be the fucking reason why she cries so I walk over and pull her into me, trying to ignore the ever-growing burning of my back.

I hold her against me and run my hand through her hair, waiting on her to calm down. If I hadn't been listening, I wouldn't have heard her.

"I could lose you every day. I need you and it scares me. You have to let me know if you're hurt so I can help you. Just let me in, Jane. Let me in."

I swear to fucking God my heart shatters into 90879 pieces at that. I know I've been selfish for a really long time, but I can't even believe I was this selfish to the one person who doesn't deserve it.

I nod my cheek against the top of her head. "Okay, Maura. Help me."

…

She sits down on the end of the couch with just enough room between her and the arm to put the supplies she needs. I lay down across her lap and face away from her. I don't want to see her face when she sees how bad it probably fucking is. After I get as comfortable as I can with a ripped open back, she moves her hands to the edge of my shirt and pauses. My guess is, she has no idea how she's going to fucking do this without touching me and she doesn't want me to get pissed at her.

"Jane, I need to pull up your shirt, okay?"

I nod my head against her thigh and ball my hands up in fists. I feel the fabric jerking away from the cuts as she slowly inches it up to the back of my neck. I hear her breath hitch as she sees the damage. I get this weird feeling that her hands are ghosting above my back without really touching it and I involuntarily shiver.

"There are large bits of asphalt embedded in the wounds and much of your previous scar tissue has been removed….are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? This will most likely hurt and I don't have painkillers nearly strong enough for this."

I shake my head against her. I've been through much fucking worse than this. "No. Just do it."

….

An hour later and I've all but shut down. She's tried talking to me and running her hand through my hair to comfort me and everything in-between. But I just can't fucking respond. I feel like I'm tied back up on that table with _him_ beating the living daylights out of me. I know it's just Maura and I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't even fucking help it.

She presses the last edge of the adhesive down on my back and I roll off her and sit as far away as I can on the other edge of the couch. I know I shouldn't do this to her, but I need to fucking process this.

"Jane…"

I can't speak. It's too much, it's just too goddamn much right now. I don't even look up from my hands as I try not to hyperventilate and will my heart not to beat out of my fucking chest.

"Jane?"

I want to let her in. I want to tell her I'm okay and we'll be okay and this won't change anything between us, because it won't. I just need time to wade through everything I'm feeling and the lump in my throat is keeping me from speaking.

She gathers up her things and walks towards the door. I want to reach out and pull her back, kiss her, tell her I'm okay. But I can't even move. Once again, _he _has control over what I'm feeling, what I'm doing and there's nothing I can do about it.

I hear her open the door and turn back around to me even though I'm not looking up.

"I love you, Jane. Don't shut me out."

She was the type to like things that were concrete, like science. Something she could point to and know exactly what it was. And yet, here she is telling me she's in love with me. My heart pounds even harder in my chest. Am I even capable of love? After all I've fucking been through, is it something I can even possess? I never believed that I would ever be able to fall for someone. I never believed that I would ever be able to care about someone more than I could ever possibly care about myself. But then I realize, I've put Maura before myself for a really fucking long time now. I know I'd break without her. For once in my life, I'm actually happy to wake up and start the day just because I know she's in it. I'm in love with her and I couldn't change it even if I wanted to.

But before I can say anything to her, she's out the door and I'm still sitting on the couch.

….

**Is this okay? I hope it's up to par because I didn't go back and proofread!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Okay, sorry for the delay! I hate posting on Tuesdays because that's when R&I comes on and then ffn is flooded with post-ep oneshots, but I did anyway. I hope this chapter does justice to the situation. Can we maybe get this to 150 reviews? I'd love you forever, oh my god. But if not, I'll still love you anyway 'cause you're awesome. **

**Thanks for still reading/reviewing/alerting this! I love that you like it (:**

**xxxxxxxx**

Shit. I cannot believe I actually just sat here and let her say _that_ without even getting off the damn couch. I know I'm hurting but now she's probably hurting, too. I never want to be the cause of her pain, emotionally or otherwise. I can't just sit here. I want to let her in. After all she's put up with, she deserves it, too. I can't let her slip away.

I get up as fast as I can with my back bandaged up like a damn mummy and make my way to the door with every intention of running after her. But before I even have the chance to turn the knob, it's flying back open.

Maura's standing there with tears on her cheeks and her lip is quivering and it just breaks my fucking heart. I can't believe I hurt her like this. Even if I didn't mean to. She starts silently sobbing and trying to talk and I just don't think I can handle it.

"You can't just…just let me—"

I cut her off by pulling her inside and pushing her back against the door. My hands frame her face and I wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes are brimming with tears and I think she's about to start crying all over again because she's afraid of me rejecting her. I'll never reject her. Anything she wants, I'll get it for her. I'll spend my life making sure she knows that.

I take a deep breath and think about what I should say. What I _need _to say so she knows I'm hers just as much as she's mine. That she'll never be alone again. That I plan on letting her in and never shutting her out.

"Maura, I…" I have to pause to fight the tightness of my throat. I've never felt an emotion as strong as this for someone in my entire life. It scares the hell out of me, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I clear my throat to start again, making sure I look right at her so she knows I'm not lying just to make her feel better. So she knows this is real and I mean every fucking word.

"I never thought I'd be able to love someone, Maura. Not after everything I've been through. But you," I let out a small laugh, "you came into my life and changed all that. I'm in love with you, Maura Isles. I have been for a really long time and just didn't know it," I say as I look into her eyes. She's crying all over again, but it's for a totally different reason now.

"Do you really mean that, Jane," she asks with a smile tugging at the edge of her lips. I'm almost certain that I'm the only person that's ever said it and meant it and she's just having a really hard fucking time believing it. So I'm going to make sure to show her just how much I really love her for the rest of my fucking life. She deserves it.

"Yeah, I really do," I whisper before I lean in and give her a kiss. I pull back before I get too consumed. I have something I want to show her and I can't exactly do that if I start making out with her. "Go sit on the couch, I have something I want you to see."

As she walks to sit down, I go to my bedroom and pull out the leather bound journal she gave me three weeks ago. My fingers trace the edges as I think about if I really want to show this side of me to her or not. But in the end, there's no question. She was right about writing my nightmares down would help me—sometimes I go up to three nights without them in a row. The other day she vaguely suggested I show someone I trusted so I wouldn't have to keep it inside all the damn time, but I chickened out like usual even though I knew she was right about that, too.

But not now. I'm honest to God in love with her and I want to let her in. I want to show her all of me—the good, the bad, the ugly. Just like I plan on knowing all of that about her. I walk into the living room and sit down next to her with the journal on my lap.

She looks down at it and back up at me. "Jane, you don't have—"

"Yeah, I do. I love you, Maura. I want to let you in. I don't want to hide anything from you anymore," I say as I hand it over to her.

Her fingers trace the edges just like mine had only moments ago before looking back up at me. "Are you sure?"

I reach over and squeeze her hand. "I've never been more sure about anything. Go ahead."

….

Twenty minutes—because she's a fucking fast reader—21 entries, and several tears later, Maura closes the book and climbs over to me. I pull her close to my chest and lean us sideways against the back of the couch since leaning against it is totally out of the question for me. She just sits there for a few minutes, either wondering why the hell she's with someone so fucked up or thanking God I'm still alive.

"Did any of that really happen to you, Jane," she whispers against my chest.

None of the stuff with her in it did, obviously. Or the stuff that happened the few nights I had plain old fluffy as hell dreams. But some of it did. Hell, most of it did. At lot of fucking stuff happened to me those 12 days in the basement. And as much as I want to lie and tell her it's all just figments of my active as fuck imagination, I can't. She'll know I'm lying because she's so damn smart like that. I wouldn't lie to her anyway, either. I don't want to betray her trust like that.

"Some of it did, yeah."

She scoots in closer to me and presses the side of her face against my chest. "Did anything…worse happen?"

Her voice is barely a whisper and I know I should probably shield her from some of this, but I have to be honest. You don't screw over the people you love. "Sometimes. But it's okay."

"Jane, that's not okay. It's not okay that you had to go through that. It sounded like it was…truly horrific. And I don't even know everything that happened."

I can tell she's trying not to crumble into a heap of tears because she doesn't want to be selfish by the way her voice cracks as she whispers. But I'd act the same why if she told me something like this had happened to her. I really don't think I could handle knowing some sick bastard did this to her. So it's okay for her to cry. I'll be the one that's always here to hold her.

"It was. But it's okay now. _I'm _okay now. Well, I'm getting there. Thanks to you, Maura. It might have been awful. But, it brought me to where I am today," I run my fingers down the side of my face as a tear starts to roll down my cheek, "and I wouldn't change that for the world. I mean it when I say I love you, Maura. I'd go through it all again if it meant having you in my life. I mean every single word."

She finally lets go and starts crying with me. And like I said, I'm the one that's here to hold her. I'll never let her go.

….

**Good? Bad? Please let me know! And maybe get to 150…no pressure! You're all amazing. (:**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: You did it! Yay, so happy for all of the reviews! You're perfect. I hope this doesn't disappoint. Let me know!**

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Standing for fourteen hours straight in a pair of five inch heels does not make for a happy Maura Isles. As soon as she walked in the door she threw her shoes in a corner and limped towards her bedroom to find that sweatshirt I gave her. Less than three minutes later, I hear her start crying because she couldn't find it, even though as soon as I walked in I saw it laying on the edge of her bed. That just made her cry some more because she seriously thought she had lost her fucking mind.

So I did what any reasonable person would do and offered to rub her feet while she relaxed. Little did I know that would mean I'd have to be sitting here rubbing some coconut-vanilla-blahblahwhatever oil on her feet while she sits on the other end of the couch in nothing but that damn sweatshirt. And by nothing else, I mean nothing else. I can barely focus on anything but thinking about what's under it even though I know she has to be fucking exhausted.

"Jane," my head instantly jerks up from trying to stare a hole exactly where I know her tits would be, "are you okay?"

She has this smirk playing on her lips and I know I've been caught red handed. I can feel the flush creep up my cheeks. "Yeah, I've uh…been a little distracted. Sorry."

Apparently that's a good answer because it brings out her real smile and she pulls her feet off my lap. Just when I think she's about to crawl over to me, she jumps up and starts walking to her bedroom.

"Well, then, I have just the thing," she says over her shoulder as she disappears to the bedroom.

She comes out a few minutes later carrying something that looks suspiciously like a shoe box. If she's bringing me a pair of heels to wear—no fucking way. But if she's about to put 'em on and give me a show…how could I say no?

She sits down next to me and puts it on my lap. She tenses up as I pull the top off and look down in it. I can't even help the laugh that comes out as I see what it is. A clear, sparkly dildo. And Maura must definitely think I'd be well hung because it's pretty fucking huge. Now all I can think about is fucking her with it, but I know she's exhausted so I'm not going to start anything with her. Shit.

"Jane, is it okay," she asks with a death grip on my arm. Apparently she thinks I'm appalled by it, but I'm so very fall from appalled. I'm just having really inappropriate thoughts of her ridding me.

"Uhm, yeah it's fine. If you wanted me to use one, all you had to do was ask."

"Oh," she said as she looks away before looking back, "So you've used one before?"

"Yeah. A few times." Okay, maybe more than a few times, but she's looking at me all disappointed so I can't exactly tell her that.

She tilts her head and furrows her brow. "Why have you never suggested using one before?"

"Well…I don't exactly need a dick to have sex with you, Maura," but then I actually start to wonder if she's rethinking this whole gay thing since I'm the first woman she's been with and get really fucking worried so I can't help but add, "Do I?"

She hears the apprehension and quickly tries to clear things up. "No, Jane. That's not what I meant. I just meant…" She trails off as she tries to find the right words to say. I can't even help but feel more than a little relieved. Until she starts talking again.

"Some…_victims_…have used this as a way of therapy to help them get over their trauma. By living it out. It helps replace, in their mind, something horrible that happened to them. So I thought that maybe you could do this to slowly—"

"Are you saying you want me to hurt you? Put you through what I went through so I can get _better?_ You're my girlfriend, Maura, not my psychiatrist. If I wanted one, I'd go pay for one," I snap as I drop the box on the table in front of us.

She lets go of my arm and just sits there, stunned. I know I shouldn't have snapped at her like that, but I just can't do any of what I went through to her. Never in a million years.

I turn and bury my face in the crook of her neck and wrap her arms around her as tight as I can. I could never do any of that to her. Ever. "Maura, I won't ever hurt you like that, take anything out on you like that. Don't ask me to, because I won't. I can't. You mean too much to me," I utter as my voice starts to break.

She pulls her arms around me and starts rubbing my back—mindful of the scabs that have already formed in the past week. "Okay. Okay," she whispers," I just wanted to see if something like that might help you. But I won't ask you to again, it's okay."

I nod against her and lay back on the arm of the couch, pulling her with me against my chest. We lay like that for a few minutes before she looks over at the box and then back up at me. "So…does this mean we aren't ever going to use it? Or you're just not going to…act things out?"

I just raise my eyebrows. "I thought you were tired?"

"_Jane."_ She says it in this 'You know better than to think I'd trade sex for sleep, don't be a damn idiot and fuck me already' tone, and it's all the convincing I need.

"Alright," I say through a smile.

It's quickly gone, though, as she straddles me and pulls off my shirt and bra in one fell swoop. It's so quick I swear I almost didn't know what happened. She reaches down and starts rubbing my tits as her mouth presses against mine. She tastes so sweet, all I can do is moan in her mouth. I reach down to pull off that damn sweatshirt like I've wanted to all night, but she hops off me before I can and grabs the box. I pull off my pants and underwear. Her eyes roam over me like she's about to fucking devour me and it's all I can do not to start fucking her right then and there. But she wants it like this, so it's how we're gonna do it.

She slides the harness up into position and tightens the straps to fit around my hips. The base of it is digging into me and I start involuntarily start trying to grind against it as she pulls off her sweatshirt and climbs back on top of me.

I'm not quite sure she knows exactly what she's gotten herself into. When it comes to fucking like this, I'm a marathon runner not a sprinter. I'll surely be doing this all fucking night. She lines it up with her entrance and lowers herself down on it with a hiss escaping her mouth. Like I said, it's fucking huge. I dig my fingers into her hips and start moving her slowly up and down for the first few strokes, getting her used to it.

After a while she starts bouncing harder and higher against me, making sure to grind down so the base hits my clit every time. I look up and moan; the sight of her getting herself off could seriously make me come all by itself. Her tits are bouncing right in front of my face, sweat is beading on her smooth stomach, her perfect hair is flying everywhere, her eyes looking right at me as her mouth parts open as she pants and moans.

I buck up hard into her and she screams out and falls forward, giving my chest a tight squeeze. I wince as her nails break the skin, but it doesn't stop me from thrusting up hard again and again.

Her head falls forward against my shoulder. "Harder. Go harder."

I love being able to turn her brain into mush. I trust that she'll always tell me if I'm hurting her so if she wants harder, then harder she'll get. I reach around and grab her ass, yanking her down against me every time I thrust up into her. The sounds she's making against my neck are too much and I come first, but it doesn't even come close to making me stop. It just makes me crave even more and go harder. Maura cries out and her whole body tenses as she comes before laying over against me. I ease up so she can ride it out until her body jerks away from being too sensitive.

Her chest pushes into mine as she tries to catch her breath. I'm trying not to move since I know she's not ready yet, but I just don't think I can stay like this much longer. Like I said, I'm a marathon runner when it comes to this.

"Ready," I rasp out, my voice deeper than usual.

She nods her head and that's all I need. I stand up, still inside her and wrap her legs around my waist. Her hands automatically grip my shoulders for more leverage.

"So good, so good," she moans out as she starts thrusting herself down on me. This position isn't the best for how my back is feeling, but it doesn't even matter to me at this point. Her head falls forwards as she starts bouncing and bucking against me. My hands gripping her things feel the muscles tensing with the exertion she's putting into it.

"Oh…gah…this…Jane," she moans out, starting to get incomprehensible as she moves faster and harder against me.

It's so fucking sexy seeing her work herself like this, but I know she has to be getting tired. I move us down to the couch with her underneath me without moving out of her. I pull her legs up on my shoulders and start thrusting into her again. My face is right at her tits, so I start licking and biting at them, causing to her to moan even louder. It's the best sound I've ever heard , I'll never get tired of this.

It starts pushing down against my clit it the best fucking way possible as she starts clenching around me. I know I'm not going to last much longer this time and she knows it, too. She starts ramming back against me every time I thrust in, pushing it back harder against me.

"Come inside me, Jane. Come inside me again," she moans out through heavy pants for air.

Her saying that is all it fucking takes. I clench my teeth and let go, my orgasm washes over me in waves. I pause only for few seconds as it takes over me, but Maura's having none of it. She uses her legs on my shoulders as leverage and starts pushing against me. By the look on her face, I can tell she's close so I gather myself and start pushing back into her the best I can when my limbs feel like fucking jelly.

"So close, Jane. So…close," she gasps out. Two more thrusts is all it takes for her to come undone. Her back arches up off the couch before falling back down against it. I work her down and slowly pull out before I slump down against her.

We lay like that, breathing hard for a few minutes before either one of us can speak.

"Jane, that was…" She trails off, not even being able to finish her sentence. I smile to myself as I realized I just caused Maura fucking genius Isles be speechless.

I lean up and kiss her on her lips before I pull away and push back inside her. "Yeah. And we aren't done, yet."

….

**Hope that was okay! Lemme know. I'll be going on a 4 day vacation soon and I think I'll be able to crank out one more chapter before then. What would you like to see? I'm fresh outta ideas, so let me know so I can write it before I leave. Please Review! xxx**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I feel weird writing this in the middle of summer, but oh well. I'm going to establish a time line and say they met around 4 ½ to 5 months ago. Sound about right to everyone? Please keep up your fantastic reviews! (:**

**And I plan on writing this until people are begging me to stop, no worries there! **

**xxxxxxxxx**

Androgyny at its finest. That's exactly what I look like right fucking now. Even with my hair loosely pulled back in a low, curly ponytail. Maura has me shoved in some fancy as hell Armani suit that I didn't ask her to buy with a mask that makes me look exactly like the phantom of the opera dude. I almost shoved the damn dildo down the front of my pants to confuse people even more, but I don't even have to when I look like this.

I look over at Maura from the driver's seat of her Lexus—that she let me drive without even having to ask—and I really, _really_ don't want to go anywhere but back home so I can get her naked. She's wearing this short black dress thing that would be borderline tacky on anyone else and an expensive as hell mask that only covers the area around her eyes. It's beyond sexy and I don't even know if I'm going to be able to contain myself.

"Are you sure you want to go in," I ask as the valet starts walking towards us.

Maura turns to me and tilts her head, like she doesn't really want to go in either. "My parents host this masquerade every Halloween and I'm expected to attend. But if you don't want to stay," she turns and looks over to her parents fucking mansion, "I suppose I can go alone."

Ugh. Fuck. As much as I don't want to go, I don't want her to go alone even less. Even if it does mean feeling out of place and meeting her parents. Which I _really _don't want to do. She's never said anything very bad about them, but she's never said anything particularly good, either. Which makes me think they're awful and she's just too polite to say it. I reach over and grab her hand. "I'm not going to let you go alone, Maura. You're stuck with me now even if you don't want to be," I say with a smile as the valet opens the door.

I get out and walk to her side and help her out. I really don't see how she walks in those damn shoes. I swear they get taller every fucking day. She wraps her arm around mine and leans up to my ear as we start walking up the 54681 steps to the front door. "There's no one I'd rather be stuck with, Jane. I love you."

Jesus Christ. What I wouldn't give to hear that every single minute of every day. I lean down and kiss her on the lips—which is sort of awkward with this mask covering the left side of my face. It doesn't stop either of us from smiling, though. "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't love you back, Maur. Only for you."

She laughs and squeezes my arm as we walk inside. She knows she's got me wrapped around her finger and she fucking loves it.

And holy fucking shit, I was right. It's a fucking mansion. The entry foyer is bigger than my whole apartment and it has a chandelier as big as the fucking Jumbotron at the Superbowl. People are turning and staring at us through their masks as we walk in. Every so often one will reach out and touch Maura's arm and tell her how glad they were she could make it. I feel like everyone knows I don't belong there even though I know it's just in my head. My self-proclaimed butch swagger is probably enough to make anyone swoon over me—I caught Maura, after all. Add that to this expensive as hell suit and I know I must be making an impression. Even if no one can really tell if I'm a guy or a girl. But I still feel uneasy as hell and Maura can sense it 'cause she's just perfect like that.

She pushes up closer to me and leads me into this ballroom that's at least four times the size of my shitty apartment and pulls me to the floor where a ton of other people are doing a slow waltz thing. "Dance with me, Jane," she says through a smile.

Part of me knows she did it to try and loosen me up and the other part knows she's just doing it to show me off just a little bit. I haven't heard any screams of horror, so I know her parents' must not have heard of our arrival just yet. I might as well dance with her while I have the chance.

I pull her close to me and breathe her in as I start to slowly lead us around. Most people would think I'd be awkward as hell, but I went to more than enough family weddings in my youth to learn a thing or two. Granted, I'm nowhere as refined as Maura or anyone else in the room, but at least I'm not stepping on her toes and that seems to be good enough for her.

I'm holding her hand and my other is wrapped around her waist. She's laid her head against my chest and I can feel her warm breath against my skin where a few of the buttons of my shirt are undone. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. "Thank you for asking me to come with you tonight, Maura."

Her cheek moves against me and I can tell she's smiling. "Thank you for deciding to join me."

We dance pressed together like that for a few more minutes before I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. I turn and see some guy a little shorter than me dressed to the nines with a plain black mask on. His lips curve up into a mischievous smile and I can already tell I hate where this is going.

"May I cut in?"

Hell fucking no he can't cut in. Maura's my girlfriend and no one touches her but me. I go to tell him that, but then I remember I'm on her turf and don't exactly want to make a scene. Even if I'm fucking jealous as hell.

"Maybe you should ask the lady," I say with a nod towards her.

She momentarily gets confused but then picks up on what I'm doing. Or maybe she heard the territorial growl of my voice. Either way.

He turns and looks at her and takes her hand before planting a kiss on it. My jaw hits the ground, I fucking swear. What the actual fuck.

"May I have this dance, Maura," he asks as he stands back up.

She pulls her hand back from him and puts it back on my shoulder. It takes away the sting of jealousy. Only a little though. I'm protective as hell when it comes to her. Just like I know she is with me.

She gives him a polite smile and starts to turn herself back towards me. "I'm sorry, Garrett. I'm quite alright where I am. Thank you, though."

He pretty much turns and storms off with the grace of a three year old as soon as the words leave her mouth. She leans back against me and we start dancing in the same slow, small circles as we were before. I just can't rid the weird feeling I have about him. The way they said each other's names was just too familiar to be completely formal.

"Who was that," I ask in a tone that I hope is only curious and not too envious. She picks up on it, though.

"He's a former_ acquaintance_, Jane. I haven't seen him in quite a few years. There's no need to be worried."

But the way she stresses 'acquaintance' lets me know they were much more than that. "Only an acquaintance?"

I feel her take a deep breath against me and squeeze my hand tighter. "It could be described as more than an acquaintance, perhaps. But that's all he is now and that's all that matters, correct?"

No. Not at all fucking correct. I don't like the thoughts of anyone putting their hands on her but me, even if it was in the fucking past. Especially if they're going to come and sideswipe me out of the fucking blue. I've opened myself this much to her, there's no reason she can't fucking do the same for me. It's not like I'm going to go beat him up in the middle of the fucking place, even if I don't have the best track record. I'd just really like to know.

"Maura, you know you can tell me anything. I've let you see so much of my past that I'd thought I'd never share with anyone in my entire life. It's a two-way street here; it's only fair that you let me in, too."

She nods against me. "You're right, Jane. I'm sorry," she stops to press herself closer to me, "It's no secret that Garrett and I were engaged directly after college, I just don't like rehashing that part of my life."

I'm not going to force her to talk about anything she doesn't want to. After all, she never forced me. She waited until I was ready, so that's exactly what I'm going to do for her. "Okay, that's fine. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, Maur."

We sway in silence for a few moments as I try to fight off the jealousy that's still coursing through me. Maura was _engaged_. Engagedto a man that surely has enough money for twelve lifetimes. A man that touched her in places that only I should be allowed to touch her. A man that probably only used her instead of saw her for how perfect she really fucking is. Well, I don't know that but it still makes me mad to think that he might have. I keep thinking about it until Maura's voice finally pulls me out of my head.

"I thought I loved him, but I really only loved the_ idea_ of being in love with him. He put up with my eccentricities, but didn't accept them. He knew I wasn't good in social situations and never really had friends, but pushed me on to people he thought I _should_ be friends with. He never really cared for me. He just…wanted to show me off as if I were a trophy in his collection. But you," she stops moving and brings her one of her hands up to my cheek not covered in the mask, "you've shown me what real love is, Jane. You accept everything about me. You _appreciate_ everything about me and never ask me to be anyone other than who I am. There's no need to worry, because what I had with him couldn't even compare to what I have with you, Jane Rizzoli."

Now I feel like an asshole. And I feel like I want to do her right here and now. And I also feel like I want to lavish her with roses and massages and love for the rest of my life because she's just so goddamn perfect. I feel all of that at the same time and it's confusing the hell out of me.

"Come on," I whisper as I lead her out towards another room in the house. I should probably let her lead since she used to live here, but who fucking cares.

I ignore the stares of everyone as I drag her into an office right off the lobby. I kick the door shut with my foot and tug both of our masks off. I pull her to where her mouth is against mine and kiss her. It's frenzied. Devouring. Overwhelming. I love her so much I can't even put it into words and try to show it with every move of my lips and tongue against hers.

She's just as in on this as I am though because before I know it she's yanking the tie out of my hair and pulling me down against her as she falls backwards onto a leather couch. I move to where I'm sucking and biting at her neck and grabbing her tits through the dress. She opens her legs wider and wraps her ankles around my ass as I start to roll my hips against her.

"Touch me, Jane. I need you to—" I cut her off by pulling her dress down low enough to suck on her nipple as I push three fingers inside her, thankful she decided to forgo underwear.

"Ahh…faster…Jane, faster…" she pants out as I start working harder and faster inside of her. She's soaking wet and I know she won't take long as it is, but I really want to taste her. I move down to where I'm in between her legs and tentatively swipe my tongue through the length of her without slowing down my fingers. Her hips buck up off the couch and I know it definitely won't take much more.

I keep pushing my fingers in and out of her as hard as I can at this angle and pull her clit into my mouth. Her nails dig into my scalp as I suck harder and flick my tongue against it. I can feel her clenching around my fingers and go to give one final tug on her clit when I hear the door click open.

We both instantly freeze as we realize neither of us locked the door. Maura frantically starts pulling her dress up to cover her tits and I pull her dress down over her ass and leap up just in time to see two people standing at the door way, slack jawed and staring.

I look over at Maura and her face is beet red and I know mine has to be, too. She sits up and gives one final adjustment to her dress before standing up and pulling me with her.

"Mother, Father…this is Jane. My girlfriend."

….

….

**Bad note to end it? Yeah, I know! Especially since I'm going on vacation soon and most likely can't publish again till next Wednesday. Oops. I wrote this in like 40 minutes, so let me know what you think about it! Thanks xxx**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: loved your reviews! I love you guys! My vacation got postponed until tomorrow so I decided to write a chapter in the spare 30 minutes I had. Lets get to 200! Maybe, please? :D**

**This was crazy hard to write because all I can think about is baby fluff happy times. Weird. But, I hope it's up to par even though it's quite different from the show. Please tell me what you think—good and bad! **

**xxxxxxx**

I awkwardly shove my hands in my pockets so no one tries to shake them—even though I doubt they would since they just saw me knuckle deep in their daughter—and look up at them. No one has said anything in at least three minutes, the silence is killing me. My need for control instantly floods through me when I feel helpless like I feel right now. I have to do something about it.

I take a step closer to Maura—who's clinging onto my arm like it's a fucking life vest—and nod my head at them. "It's nice to finally—"

"Maura Isles! This is certainly no way for someone of our esteemed background to act," the shrill voice of her bitch ass mother cuts me off. "Not only did you publicly reject Garret, you also ran off to a room to—to do _that," _her arms wave towards us, "with _her,_ knowing that our guests knew perfectly well what you were doing!"

I'm not even sure if I know which part her Mother is more offended with, all I can see is the fucking fire blazing in her eyes. She's giving me a look that's easily 100 times worse than any my mother has ever given me. Not to mention how it feels like her father is standing there with his arms crossed silently threatening to kill me. I feel so awkward I don't even know what to do but fucking stand there and try to focus on breathing. I hate feeling like things are out of my hands, and this so clearly is.

Maura looks up at me and then back over at them when I make no move to explain things. She surely knows how to handle her own parents better than I do since I only met them 10 minutes ago. In the worst fucking way possible.

She tentatively takes a step towards them, pulling me with her. "Mother, Garrett is a grown man, he should realize that not even money can buy him everything. And as for Jane, " she looks up to me and I pull her closer, realizing the need for emotional and physical support as her voice wavers and leans against me, "Jane makes me happy. Doesn't that matter to you?"

Her voice was a strained whisper as she finished. I just want to pick her up, carry her out, and never look back. But I don't have the chance to do anything. Her mother closes the gap and grasps Maura's face in her hand, squeezing tight enough to almost leave bruises, I'm fucking sure. She pulls her face until Maura's looking up at her. "Of course I care about your happiness, darling. I know you will learn to be happy with Garrett," she drops her hand from Maura's face but doesn't move away, "Image is _everything _to me, Maura," she looks me over before looking back, "and there is no place for _her_ in our world. For as smart as you are, I'm surprised you didn't think about that before."

A tear rolls down Maura's face and I've had enough of this bullshit. No one treats Maura like this, not even her own parents. I could easily arrest her for assault or some shit, but I'd rather not make matters even worse so I just decide to chew her the fuck out. I stand to where I'm towering over her, not even concerned about Maura's dad in the corner. He didn't move in to help Maura so he's just as guilty as far as I'm concerned. "Listen, lady. You obviously _don't_—"

"—Jane." I stop talking and look over to Maura. She pulls my arm down to stop my accusatory finger from flying all around her mother's face and wipes the tears from her cheeks. "Stop, Jane. She's right."

It feels like my fucking heart literally stops beating. I let her see the parts of me I was convinced no one should ever see. I let her in. I fucking _love _her—and she's going to throw me to the curb just like that. I should've fucking known better to think that something would honestly go my way for once. I see the smirk on her mother's face and I refuse to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Of seeing me be weak. I'm done with that shit for the rest of my fucking life.

I turn and walk out the door without looking back. Not even when I'm in the lobby and hear Maura yell my name from the study. People are turning and staring and I know my face is burning red, but I don't even fucking care. I don't even stop until I'm out the door and down the stairs and realize I drove Maura's car and don't even have a fucking way to get home except to call a cab.

I walk the half mile—literally—down the driveway before I get to the road. I pull out my phone to call a cab, and only then do I realize I'm crying. Fucking bawling, is more like it. I lean back against the brick pillars that hold the gates and bring my hands up to my face. I can't stop crying no matter how hard I try.

I honestly thought I would have some consolation for going through what that fucking monster did to me, but no. The one good thing in my life is gone. I didn't even fight for her. I just ran away from it all and I'm ashamed. And I'm fucking pissed at her for just ending us so fucking easily. She helped me fight my own demons and I _know_ I was helping her, too.

I start crying harder as I realize I'll never be able to smell the smell that's just so simply _her _as I hug her. I'll never get to run my fingers through her hair as she lays on my lap while we watch one of those fucking documentaries I would sit through with her just because she liked them. I would never get to feel the softness of her lips on mine as I kiss her for absolutely no reason at all. I'll just never get to do anything, feel anything with her ever again because she threw me away for the image her parents craved. I always knew I wasn't worth it. I always knew she deserved more. But it doesn't make the sting of someone calling me out on it hurt any less.

I rub my face and stand up as I pull out my phone to call a cab. I start to push the buttons when I hear the distinct _click, click_ that I've come to know all too well. I look up and see Maura running at me as fast as she can in those fucking heels she insists on wearing.

"Jane! Jane, wait," she yells out through pants as she finally reaches me.

She runs into me and wraps her arms around me and squeezes as tight as she can as I lightly stumble backwards. Her face presses against my chest and her body is trembling through the sobs escaping her. I wrap my arms around her. Even if we aren't together anymore, I want her to know I'm always going to fucking be here for her just like I said I would be.

I wipe wind-blown hair away from her face with one hand and rub her back with the other. "Maura, it's…I just want what's best for you. I know I'm not worth—"

She pulls back and looks up at me. "Don't say that, Jane. You're worth more than everything to me," she whispers.

I drop my hands from her and furrow my brow. This doesn't make any fucking sense. "What…Maura, I don't know what you mean. You basically just told me—"

"No," she reaches up and cups my face, "No, I just said she was right. She _was _right about image being everything to her. She _was_ right about saying you don't belong in her world. Quite frankly, neither do I. And I'm so inexplicably happy that we don't, Jane," she intertwines her hands with one of mine and brings it up against her heart. "Only selfish, egotistical, callous people belong in her world. People who care more about money than love, people who care more about social standing than happiness…those are the people my parents choose to associate with."

She leans up and gives me a soft kiss before wrapping her arms back around me and resting her head on my shoulder. "We are none of those things, Jane, and I'm so entirely glad we don't belong there."

I can't do anything but rest my cheek on top of her head and pull her closer. I thought I had lost her. I thought I had lost the best part of me. But instead, I got to see just how much she would throw away to be with me. Just how much she needs me. Just how much she really thinks I'm worth. I want to be able to show her exactly how much she means to me and how much I'd do for her, too. Even if it takes the rest of my life to do so. "I love you, Maura. I'll never leave you like that again. I need you too much."

"Promise," she asks from her spot against my neck.

I give her one last squeeze and let her go so we can walk back to get the car. "Promise."

…

….

**Yay! No cliffhanger. Good/Bad? I didn't proofread. Let me know and tell me anything else you'd like to see. I have some things brewing (:**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: You guys are fantastic! Great stuff to come back from vacation to see (: **

**I wasn't going to do this, but… the idea came to me on the way home and just wouldn't leave. So, here it is. It's the same night as the last chapter. **

**And I'm sorry. Okay, no. I'm really not. **

**xxxxxx**

After the disastrous meeting with her parents, I decided that I couldn't leave her alone tonight. And for once, I'm not really worried about having nightmares and fucking killing her. Ever since I let her read my journal a few weeks ago, I've only had two and they weren't nearly as fucking bad. I guess I really did need to let her in. To accept all of me, good and bad. I've got to trust her to wake me up just like she's got to trust me not to go batshit and hurt her in the middle of the night. Well, that's what I got from her cute as hell speech on the way over here, anyway.

But, I'd rather not have had to stay here to 'exercise our trust.' If we had stayed at her place, I wouldn't have had to carry this damn tortoise cage up three flights of stairs. And I would've been able to sleep in her bed that's made for the fucking Queen. But, Maura insisted that being in familiar surroundings might also reduce the chances of freaking out or some psychological shit, so here we are at my shitty ass apartment.

"Jesus, Maura. How the hell do you carry this beast everywhere? It weighs a ton," I huff as I drop her damn cage in the middle of my living room.

"Actually, my _tortoise_ only weighs 88.7 pounds, Jane. Not a ton," she says as she closes the door and makes her way to the kitchen for some wine. I'm pretty sure we need it after a night like tonight.

"Yeah, yeah," I whisper as I lean in and give her a kiss. "I'm gonna go change. Pour me some, please."

She nods her head and I make my way down the hall to my bedroom. This suit is the nicest thing I've ever worn, but it's hot as hell and I'm fucking sweating to death after carrying 88.7 pounds of fucking tortoise-beast. Plus the damn cage. I open the door and grope the wall with my hand until I find the light switch. After I flick it on, I realize sweating is the least of my worries.

Garrett fucking Fairfield is standing right in front of me. He's wearing the exact thing he had on earlier minus the mask and with leather gloves on his hands. It might be a little cold outside, but not _that _fucking cold. Something's not right, I can feel it. As if standing in my pitch black bedroom didn't give him away.

I take a small step to the side and close the door as much as I can. He tenses up every time I move. My heart starts beating faster. This just isn't right. "Garrett, what are you doing here," I ask, trying my best not to be accusatory so he won't the hell out.

He reaches into his pocket and my hands immediately fly up so he can see them. I left my gun on the table after I dropped Bass in the living room, so there's nothing I can use to scare the shit out of him. Fuck. He pulls a pistol out and raises it up to me. I've stared down the barrel too many times to count, but none have been this personal. He came here for one reason and one reason only. I just have to make sure Maura doesn't get hurt in all of this.

"Garrett, you don't have to—" He starts laughing this horrifying laugh and my stomach drops.

"No. But I'm going to. No prints, untraceable gun. I'll kill you and they'll never know I did it. Maura will come running right back to me."

Well. This is more fucked up than I thought. He doesn't just want to kill me for embarrassing him and ruining his 'image.' He wants to kill me for embarrassing him _and _getting Maura. Fucking great. At least I know he's not after her too, though.

Hands still raised, I take a small step towards him. I'm pouring sweat and my whole body is shaking. I've been through too fucking much to end this way. "They'll figure out it was you, Garrett. She will never be with you then," I say as I make another small step towards him. "They'll find out. Just give me the gun, and we'll say this never happened."

That's bullshit. I know it and he knows it. He laughs. "Yeah, I'm fucking sure. The way I see it…if I drop the gun, then I'll definitely go to jail. This way, I at least have a chance in hell."

He's close to shooting, I can feel it. It's getting harder and harder to breathe. I can't leave Maura like this. She needs me like I need her. This will break her. She doesn't need to be as broken as me. I can't let that happen. I pull the last card I have. "Maura's in the kitchen. She'll know it was you. There's no way out now. Just make it easier on yourself and hand it to me."

His eyes get wide as he hears the telltale click of her heels and he lowers the gun, if only an inch or two. "No. No, she can't be. This isn't—"

"Jane, can I borrow some clothes? This dress is…" she trails off as she opens the door and sees him pointing the gun at me. He looks over at her and I know it's my only chance. I lunge towards him, but he's quicker than I thought. I don't fight back as hard as I can either because I'm afraid he'll accidently shoot Maura. No fucking way will I let that happen. He wraps one arm as tight as he fucking can around my neck and points the gun to my head with the other. Maura's frozen to her spot in the doorway. I doubt she even believes this can really be happening.

I start clawing at the arm around my neck, but it just gets tighter. I'm struggling to breathe. There are beads of sweat forming all over his face. The gun is shaking against my head because he's so nervous. It wasn't supposed to happen like this and he's freaking the hell out. Which means he's thinking of all the ways to get out of this. And as far as I can tell, none of them mean Maura and I are both gonna walk away from this.

Maura finally lowers her hands from the door frame and tentatively takes a step forward. Shit. "No, Maura," I rasp out through the tightening grip on my throat, "Stay back. I've got this."

Her eyes start watering and she stops moving. She looks from me to Garrett and back to me. She knows I don't have this under control, but there isn't a damn thing either of us can do about it. "Garrett, please just let Jane go. We can…we can talk about this, okay? We can—"

"No, I'm done talking." He raises the gun up to her and clicks off the safety

"Down, Maura!" She falls down to the ground as I pull his arm down as hard as I can any direction away from her. He pulls the trigger as I'm fighting against him. He hit Maura, I know he hit her.

It's not until I fall to the ground that I feel the unbearable pain in my side and realize she's not the one that got shot. I try to throw Garrett's arm off me but the pain just radiates through me. It's agonizing. My eyes are clouding up and blood is covering my arm on the floor. It's getting harder to breathe. I have to hold on. I have to fight for her. She needs me and I can't leave her.

Despite the blurriness of my eyes, I see Maura crawl over to me and push her hands against my stomach. I try to call out to her, to tell her I love her, but the words just won't come. All I can do is focus on breathing and trying to stay awake. I have to stay awake for her.

Tears are running down her face and she's pushing harder against me. Her cries are heartbreaking. I want to hold her and tell her it's all going to be okay. But I can only try to stay awake as she starts sobbing out her pleas. "I love you, Jane…Don't die….Please, Jane. Please…don't die."

I try to tell her I won't. I try to tell her I'll always be here with her. That I'll always be here to love her. That she'll never be alone. But it's too hard to hold on any longer. Her face slowly gives way to the darkness that's been pulling me away.

….

**I wish I was able to just write fluff. Gah. How many people would murder me if I killed off Jane? A bunch, I bet. Yikes.**

**Anyway, tell me what you think! I love to hear all of your thoughts, good and bad!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: And here it is. I figured I'd give two relatively quick updates to make up for being awol for a little bit. Keep up the reviews, I love reading them! **

**This has a little jumping around, but I'm sure (hopefully) you'll understand what's going on!**

**xxxxxxxxxxx**

Maura's standing in the middle of a room alone, only a long box is in front of her. She's crying and wiping at her face, the tears just won't stop. I try to walk over to her, but can't move. I'm glued to my spot by the door. Her shoulders are trembling with the intensity of her sobs. No one's there to comfort her. Why the fuck is no one in there with her? I try again to walk towards her but I can't lift my feet no matter how hard I fucking try.

"Maura," I say, hoping to get her attention to let her know I'm here. She doesn't acknowledge me, though. She grips the edge of the box as she shakily falls down to her knees in front of it.

"Jane…I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what, Maura," I whisper. My throat is tightening up the longer I watch her cry. I just want to get over to her and hold her. Why can't I fucking move? She _needs_ me. Her knuckles turn white as she grips harder on the box. She hasn't acknowledged me, yet. I don't know if she can't hear me or if she's choosing not to.

"Maura, what are you sorry for? Just tell me!" I'm begging her. I never beg. That's weak and vulnerable and _he _made me too many times. But I'd beg every single day if it meant it was for her.

Her head turns to the side and I think she's about to look over at me, but she looks down to her purse instead. She digs around and finally pulls out a picture. I'm stuck to my spot—too far away to see what the hell it is—but I can tell it's important. Her face contorts as she cries harder and pushes it against her heart.

"Oh, Jane," she says as she shakily stands back up, the picture fluttering down to the floor. Her fingers push under the edge of the box and start to lift up the top. "I'm so sorry. I tried so hard, Jane. I tried so hard."

It opens completely and I see myself lying inside of it. It's not a fucking box, it's my own goddamn coffin. This can't be real. I know it can't be real because I'm stuck in a doorway watching this whole fucked up scene unfold. But it doesn't make the pain of seeing Maura hurt any less.

"I'm right here, Maura. Don't cry. Please don't cry. I'm right here," I whisper out through strangled sobs as her upper body sprawls across my other body in the box. It's like she doesn't even have it in her to stand up anymore. I need to get to her and let her know I'm okay. It will make it better, it _has_ to.

I yell out as I force my leg across the threshold. It takes all I have just to take one tiny fucking step. It's like I'm being shocked a million different times in a million different places, but I have to get to her. She's so close, less than ten feet away. I can do this. I have to do this. My knees hit the ground as I fall to all fours. Every inch I creep forward magnifies the pain by a thousand. It feels like I'm getting ripped open from the inside out, but I don't stop. I can't let her think she let me die.

My whole body is shaking with exertion and my skin is cracking and peeling away but I'm so close, I can't stop. I'm so close I can smell her, feel the heat rolling off her body. I reach out my hand to graze her leg, hoping she'll feel a little of what I'm feeling and know I'm there. But right before my fingertips touch her, she fades away and I'm left alone in the coldness of the empty room.

….

I try to open my eyes but they lights are blindingly bright and I squeeze them tight. When I start to talk, I notice the burn in my throat. I can't swallow, I can't talk. It freaks me the hell out. I reach up and grab the tube and start pulling it out of my mouth. It feels like someone's ripping open my throat. I gag as I start pulling harder against it. I hear something knock over and then hands gently squeeze around my wrists.

"Jane, you need to leave that in. I'm going to call a nurse, okay?"

_Maura._ Her voice sounds like she's been crying for a really long fucking time.I try to open my eyes again to see her but it's still too bright. As soon as her hands leave my wrists I start pulling again at that fucking thing in my throat again. I need to tell her that I'm not going anywhere and I know how hard she tried.

The door opens and more than a few people noisily make their way inside. Hands are pushing my arms down against the bed so I can't pull anymore and I start to fucking panic. It feels way too much like being tied down to that table for _him. _I start thrashing against the bed to get free, but the more I struggle the harder they push me down.

"Detective Rizzoli, we need you to calm down."

"She's bleeding again. Sedate her, NOW."

"Vitals are dropping."

Their voices all mingle together as they try to calm me and yell out orders. I hear every voice but the one I really fucking need right now. I wish they would shut the fuck up just so I could hear her again. I listen as hard as I can, but they sedatives are fucking strong as hell and everything goes silent.

….

Maura's running. Twisting and turning through a labyrinth of concrete walls. I'm running after her, trying to catch her. Who knew she could run so fucking fast in those heels? Every so often she looks back and gives me a smile that makes me try to run even faster. I'm getting out of breath and a weird pain in my side flares up every time I take a fucking step. I'm getting slower, but it seems like she's just getting faster.

"Maura, wait. I can't," I pant out as I come to a halt and double over. I push my hand to to my stomach and try to stand up straight. I stagger to the end of the hall and choose to go left even though I have no fucking idea which way she went. I pull my hand away and see it covered in dark red blood. Fuck. That can't be good.

But I can't stop. I have to find Maura. I come to the end of the walkway and see the red of her dress as she turns another corner. I'm so close, so fucking close. I have to keep going.

When I finally get to her, I curse myself for being so weak and so fucking slow. She's tied down to a chair and _he's_ standing behind her, scalpel pressed against her throat. He looks up and me and laughs the most daunting laugh I've ever heard.

"So nice of you to join us, Janie," he snarls out.

Maura's eyes are wide with fear and I stumble towards her a little bit. I can't let him do this to her. I'm supposed to be the one to protect her. "Please, take me. Let her go."

He only laughs harder and points to me with his free hand. "Why would I take you when you're already bleeding to death, Janie? This way I'll break you completely and still get to watch you die."

Blood is seeping through and almost covering the whole front of my shirt. I might be dying, but I won't let him hurt her. Never in a million years. "No, I don't think that's going to happen."

I take a step closer and he pushes the scalpel harder into her neck. A thin line of blood trickles down. "Really, Janie? I don't think you'll win this time."

Fuck. Maura's too fucking scared to cry, but that doesn't mean I am. A wayward tear falls down my cheek as I realized I'm trapped with no way out this time. I could try to run over and stop him, but with as weak and slow as I am right now, he'll kill her before I'm halfway to him. He smiles as he sees me realize what I already know.

"Don't do this to her! She doesn't deserve this! You have—"

"I love you, Jane. It's okay," she finally sobs out to me. "It's okay. I'm not afraid anymore."

I let out a sharp laugh through my tears. She may not be afraid, but I'm fucking terrified. "Maura, I'll get you out of this. I'll-I'll…I love you. It's not going to end like this."

He cackles as he slowly moves the scalpel a little further across her neck. "Oh, but Janie… It is."

No way am I going to let him kill her without a fucking fight. I throw myself from where I'm standing to Maura, hoping I'll at least clip the chair and knock her out of the way. Right before I'm about to land on her, they're gone and I land directly on the floor of an empty room.

…..

The constant, steady beeps of the machine pull me awake. I rapidly blink as I try to adjust to the light. It's not nearly as bad this time. My throat feels like fucking sandpaper, but I don't even fucking care. I'm just glad that goddamn tube is gone.

I go to sit up but the splitting pain in my side causes me to lie back down. I try to move my hands, but my right one is completely numb. I look down and see Maura laid over on top of it, asleep. I try to touch her face with my free hand, but the stabbing pain comes back with a vengeance.

"Shit," I whisper out through clenched teeth. I'm pretty sure no human being could actually have heard that, but Maura does. Her eyes pop open and her head snaps up. We sit in silence as she reaches up and brushes some hair out of my face. She pulls back and drops her head in her hands as she starts crying and halfway laughing at the same time.

My arm starts tingling and I have just enough control of it to reach up and pull one of her hands away from her face and clasp it. I try to clear my throat, but it's so fucking dry. "I…water," I croak out. Not exactly what I wanted to say, but I can't talk with my throat burning like this.

She pulls the straw away after I down the whole glass in less than ten seconds. Her eyes look up at me, expectantly. I don't know if she wants me to ask her something or say something or if she just wants to blurt out everything, so I decide to just start from the beginning.

"Garrett. Is he…"

She shakes her head. "Dead. Even with your body in the way, you're aim is impeccable."

Except I didn't fucking aim. I was just trying to angle it away from her. That's a different discussion for a different day. One we'll have to have, I'm positive. But I don't think I can handle knowing if she resents me for killing her ex-fiancé just yet.

We sit there for an awkward beat until I slowly scoot over and pat the bed beside me. It'll be a tight fit, but she's tiny as hell so I'm not too worried. She looks down at the spot and back up to me. "Jane, I'm not so sure if I should do that—"

"Come on. I need to feel you."

And I do. I need to feel her right against me, where she belongs. My sedation-induced dreams were more than enough torture for me to know what it's like to not be able to touch her. I never want to fucking go through that again.

She hesitantly crawls her way on the bed and settles against me, stiff as a board because she's too afraid she'll hurt me. It honestly hurts worse when she's not up here. I wrap my arm around her and gently tug until she turns completely on her side and lays her head on my shoulder. Only then do I notice what she's wearing. An old, ratty pair of my sweatpants and an equally worn out BPD shirt I've had for fucking ever. No way would she ever be caught dead in something like that unless shit was really, really bad.

"How long was I out?"

She takes a deep breath and her fist clutches at my hospital gown. "Twelve days."

Holy shit. Twelve fucking days? No wonder she looks like she's been crying and sleeping in a hospital chair for years. She basically had been. God, I'm going to make this up to her no matter what I have to do.

"Gah. I'm so sorry, Maura. I never meant to put you through that."

She nods her head against me and pulls closer as her body starts to tremble all over again. I hate when I'm the reason she cries.

"Jane, it's just…I thought I lost you. I did lose you. I tried so hard to save you and you died. _Twice_. You died twice right in front of me. I was just so scared. I thought…I'm just so glad you're okay," she takes a deep, shaky breath, "I love you so much, Jane. I thought you were really, truly gone."

Well, not only have I completely broken her heart, I'm sure I've traumatized her forever. Fucking great. You don't just get over the person you love dying in front of you _twice _in twelve days. I don't know what to do. I want to say that this will all be okay and we'll get over this. But how can I say that when I still haven't gotten over what happened to me five fucking years ago? So I don't say that. I say the only thing that I hope will give her some comfort. The only thing I completely believe.

"I told you, you'll never lose me. I love you and I'll always come back to you. You're the reason I fought so hard."

…

**Okay, my peeps. I have big plans for this. Well, I think they are anyway! This is probably going to be 6 (Maybe 8? 10? Hell if I know, I'm really long winded) more chapters and then I'm going to do a sequel. I already have it planned out and stuff—kinda/sorta. I just think Jane and Maura are so different from the beginning of this that a sequel is in order! Does that sound alright? Let me know!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: I'm glad you all like it and are still sticking with me!**

**xxxxxxx**

Maura—who is back to looking like her usual, perfect self regardless of how little sleep she's gotten—sits on the edge of my hospital bed with an armful of my slouchy clothes. She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. Probably due to how exhausted she is, though, so I'm not too concerned. "They're discharging you today."

How the hell are they discharging me today? I only fucking woke up two days ago. I'm pretty sure they're supposed to keep an eye on someone that's died twice in less than two weeks. Not like I'm complaining, though. "Good. I'm ready to go home."

Maura quickly glances away and back so quickly that I'm sure she didn't even know she did it, but I do. And she normally only does that when she has something she really doesn't want to tell me. Fucking great. "You don't think I should be released yet, do you?"

She shakes her head. "No. It's not that at all. It would be of no benefit for you to stay here any longer. The bullet went directly through muscle and missed all vital organs, so you are well on your way to recovery. The only reason you encountered so many complications was due to the blood loss caused by the time it took for me to locate—"

"—Maura. Just tell me what you're trying _not _to tell me."

Her face scrunches up and she starts twirling the ring around her finger. She _really _doesn't want to tell me. I don't see what could really be so fucking bad, I get to go home. I reach over and pull her hand into my lap, ignoring the sting in my side. "You know you can tell me anything, Maura. Whatever it is can't be," I pause as realization sets in, "Shit. My mother is staying with me, isn't she? What the hell, Maura! You can't be fucking seri—"

"Jane," she halfway yells out to pull me from my crazy ass rant, "Your mother isn't staying with you, you're—"

She gets cut off by the door swinging open and my loony as fuck doctor walking in. "It's nice to see you awake, Jane," he says as he skims over my chart. "Looks like you'll be going home today. Make sure to know your limits and at least _try_ to do what Maura says, she _is _a doctor. I'm very glad you'll be in good hands."

I look from him over to Maura and narrow my eyes. "Ma isn't coming home with me…because I'm going home with _you_?"

Damnit. I don't need someone babying me 24 hours a day, even if it is Maura. I don't want to feel like the frail, helpless person I was all those years ago when I had to rely on everyone because I couldn't use my damn hands. This is my fucking _side. _I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.

I look back over to my doctor and shake my head. "I don't need a babysitter. I'll be fine by myself."

He starts laughing and raises his eyebrow. "Can you walk without some form of assistance, Jane? If so, then yes, you'd be fine by yourself."

"Yes, I can." I let out a puff of air as I drop my legs off the side of the bed. I go to stand up quickly, but the pain is like a damn burning dagger. Damnit. I lower myself to the bed without so much of a wince on my face. No need to let them in on how bad this hurts. "I just choose not to."

"Ah, of course," he says before turning back to my chart.

I lie back against the pillow and focus on the floor as he talks with Maura about caring for this gaping hole in my side, as if she didn't know how already. She's a fucking genius that's 6846 times smarter than him; I'm surprised she hasn't told him that, yet.

It's not until he leaves that I look back up at her. She's fiddling with her fingers and looking anywhere but me. Damnit. She looks like I just slapped her in the face and told her she's worthless. I'm the biggest fuckup on the damn planet. It's not that I don't want her to help me, it's that I don't want her to see me as being incapable. But, I guess I'd rather her see _me _like that than have her feel like she's pissed me off because she hasn't. It's time to swallow my pride because I really do need her and there's no sense in trying to hide it.

"Hey," I reach over and squeeze her thigh, "will you help me get dressed so we can get outta here?"

She hesitantly looks up before breaking out her 'just for you, Jane' smile that I fucking love so much. One that really lights up her eyes. I might even let her push me out of here in that damn wheelchair without a fight if she keeps looking at me like that. She leans over and gives me a kiss before pulling back just enough that I can feel her damp breath against my lips. "Absolutely."

…

It's been one week. One week of sleeping next to her, getting my hair washed in the sink by her, having her help me with fucking sponge baths, and not being able to touch her for much more than a stiff hug or halfass cuddle or whatever the hell she wants to call it. One week of fucking hell. It's literally driving me insane.

She comes out of the bathroom in nothing but a short as hell towel while I lay on her bed. I swear she does this on purpose just to work me up when there's nothing I can do about it. She walks over to her dresser and bends down to get a shirt out of the bottom drawer and her towel rides up to where I can just barely see the lower half of her ass cheeks. No fucking way am I letting her get by with this again tonight.

"Maura, you need to come over here."

She turns around with her head tilted to the side in the cute as hell way and walks to the side of the bed. She's clutching the tightly in her hands, wadded up beyond belief. She's busted and she knows it. "Is everything okay?"

I laugh and reach over to the bottom edge of her towel. "No," I pull it and it falls down to the floor at her feet, "you're overdressed."

She drops the shirt and puts her hands on her hips. Her eyes have turned that dark green color they get when she's turned on and she's shifting from foot to foot. "Jane, your stitches don't come out until next week. You know we shouldn't—"

"—yeah, yeah. I'll bust a stitch, I know. You've told me every day since I've been here."

I pull her wrist until she's leaning close enough to kiss me. Once our lips touch, all of her self-control leaves and she pushes her tongue in my mouth. She tastes just like her overly-priced tooth paste—that I just might secretly use when I'm here—and that taste that is just so much better than anyone else I've ever encountered. Her hands come down on the bed on either side of my face and I bring mine up and start rubbing her tits. She pushes them harder into my hands as I suck her bottom lip into my mouth. She goes to bring her leg over and straddle me, but instantly pulls away and stands up.

Her chest is heaving up and down and her whole body is flushed. "Jane…we have to stop. I don't want to hurt you because we couldn't contain ourselves."

I don't even care about how turned on I am right now, I just want to feel _her. _I want to make _her_ feel good. We haven't done anything worth counting other than a peck on the lips here and there since I've been out of the hospital and I don't want to fall into that routine with her. I want her to know that I'll always want her. I want her to know that she's worth the little bit of pain this might bring me. That I'll do anything for her no matter the cost. And she needs this from me. I'm not sure she really understands that I'm really going to be okay; she's been walking on eggshells around me all week, afraid to break me. This will at least give her a little semblance of normality and let her know I'm really going to be okay and things will get better.

I reach over and squeeze her thigh and then give a little bob of my head. "Get up here. We can do it this way."

She cocks her head and her eyebrows scrunch up. "I'm not sure I'm following…"

I roll my eyes as I smile. I tend to forget she never makes assumptions. "My face, Maura. Get on my face."

She takes a sharp intake of breath. I can tell she's trying to fight between what she _thinks _she should do and what she _wants_ to do. "But, Jane…what if you asphyxiate? You may be in too much pain to push me off and then I—"

"—You weight all of 3 pounds, Maura. I'm not going to asphyxiate. And besides, this isn't my first rodeo. I'll let you know if you need to move, but I doubt that'll happen. So get up here or I'm taking away my offer."

Well, that gets her. She instantly crawls to where she's straddling my face and gripping the headboard with her hands. She's dripping wet already and it's been three weeks, so I know she won't last long. Which is probably good since my side is actually starting to hurt, but I'm going to push through this for her. She needs to know we really are going to be okay and so do I.

She's too far away from my face—still having her doubts about suffocating me, I guess—so I wrap my arms around her thighs and pull her down to where she's right over my mouth. I slowly swipe my tongue across the length of her and she reaches down and grabs my hair with one hand, forcing me back up against her—no longer worried about killing me.I push my tongue harder against her as I flick at her clit. Her hand pulls me closer to her and I feel a wet trail across my face as her hips rolling against me. It's sloppy. Feral. Savage, even. It's like I'm fucking devouring her, trying to pull every last drop out of her. But that's how she likes it and so do I.

She's panting and moaning out every time I flick across her clit. She's so close and I can't wait to push her over the edge.

"Jane…so good…love you…this…just…gah, so…good," she pants out as she starts pushing her body down harder against me as she pulls my head up even tighter against her.

Her thighs are tensing against my hands and I can feel the sweat forming on her from how hard she's working herself. She's ready to come and I know just what will do it. I pull her clit in my mouth and suck against it as hard as I can. She fucking loves it and it never fails. She cries out as her body tenses and stills for that split second before she comes. Her fingers clench and unclench against my scalp as she slowly works herself against me until she's completely done and crawls down to situate herself on top of my good side.

I wipe off my face with the back of my hand before turning and kissing her on the forehead. Her eyes are shut and barely flutter as I pull back. For the first time in three weeks, I think she's finally going to sleep without waking up and wondering if I'm okay. Because I am and she finally got to _really _feel that. Finally got to remember what we were like before all of this and remind herself that we do still have a future together because I'm not leaving any time soon.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her closer as my other hand brushes a few wet strands away from her face. "Thank you for taking care of me, Maur. I know I haven't told you enough, but I do appreciate it. I'm glad you wanted to help me," I let out a shaky breath and press another kiss to her forehead, "I love you."

"Love you," she mumbles out in her sleep. She won't remember what I said tomorrow, so I'll make sure to tell her again. It's a big deal, me being glad she helped me. Not deciding to let her help me because I needed her to…but being glad she is. It's the first time I've ever let someone take care of me and didn't resent them for it. She's shown me that no one can stand alone and do everything themselves. That's something worth thanking her for.

…

….

**Okay, it's super late. If some of this doesn't make sense, I apologize. **

**What would you like to see next?**

**Oh, and someone on tumblr answered an anon question and mentioned this. I almost died, no joke. No freakin' joke. I love you all! Please review and tell me your thoughts!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**xxxxxx**

"How does it feel?"

I absentmindedly scratch at the wound on my side. "Better. They were starting to itch."

Maura laughs and turns her attention back to the road. "I can tell you why they had begun to itch, if you'd like? It's really a simp—"

"—Uh, I think I'm good without knowing this time." I love hearing Maura's random google outbursts when she's genuinely interested in something. But not when she's nervous—they go on and on and on for fucking ever. And that's exactly what this would've been even though I don't know why she's fidgeting like crazy over there.

We sit in silence for a few minutes as she starts making her way further from the hospital until I finally get the courage to ask her something. "Hey, uh…will you drop me off at my apartment for a little bit?"

Her breath hitches and her knuckles turn white around the steering wheel. "Of course. Do you want me to stay and wait for you?"

Neither of us has been to my apartment since everything went down a month ago. Ma was even the one that gathered up all my shit and took it to Maura's. But my car is there and I really need to go somewhere. I just can't tell her that because I'm really not supposed to drive with all these painkillers I'm on. She'd fucking kill me. "No. I have some stuff I need to do and it'll probably take a little while. I'll call you when I'm ready to leave though, okay?"

"Oh," her face starts to look more and more disappointed, "Okay. That sounds fine."

"Maura…"

Her eyes stay glued to the road and her left leg starts shaking up and down against the floorboard. I don't know what the hell has gotten into her, but I'd really like to know. "Maura, if this is about dropping me—"

"—No. No, that's fine," she finally glances over to me as we pull up outside my apartment, "I was just hoping we could…have lunch."

My eyes narrow at her. She's not lying, but there's something else she wanted us to do, too. And it wouldn't have been anything sexual or she would've just blurted it out. This can't be good. Fucking great. It really has to wait though, because what I need to do can't wait much longer. I've got to go before it gets too late. "Well…we can have a late lunch in a little bit. I won't be too long, okay?"

She blows out a puff of air and forces a smile. "Okay, we can do that."

She leans over and gives me a quick kiss before I get out and go stand in the stairwell. I wait until her car is out of sight before I jog—well, walk. My side does still sting when I move too fast—and get in my car.

…..

I'm nervously pacing outside the office door, trying to calm my nerves. Why the hell am I even fucking doing this? No, I know why. Maura's why. I look at the time and my heart starts beating faster. His lunch break is almost over, I have to go in before it's too late. _Time to man the fuck up. _

I knock as I slowly push the door open. Maura's father looks up from his desk and my heart is fucking slamming against my ribcage, I fucking swear. "I'd like to talk to you for a minute, Mr. Isles," I say as I hesitantly make my way to the chair across from him.

He points to the placard on his desk. "_Doctor_ Isles."

He works at a fucking college, how the hell was I supposed to know he went by doctor? Dick. "Ah, right. Sorry."

He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. His face is expressionless. It creeps me the hell out. I sit back for a second waiting for him to ask why I'm here or offer me a drink or _something_, but it never comes. I rub my hands together as they start sweating. I'm fidgeting like fucking crazy. I gotta fucking get this over with.

"Well, _Doctor_ Isles…I just came by to tell you that I'd like to ask Maura to marry me." His eyebrow quirks just like Maura's does when I've done something wrong. Time to backtrack. "Not-Not today or anything. But sometime….Sometime soon, maybe. I know we haven't been together very long, but after everything that's happened with…."

I trail off as I realize I probably shouldn't bring up killing the one person they wanted Maura to marry. Shit, why in the hell did I come by and do this to myself. I grip the arms of the chairs as I prepare for his outburst. I'm not afraid of him or anything, I'd just rather not go apeshit on my (hopefully) soon to be father-in-law.

But he doesn't do anything but slip his glasses back on and look at me. "Well?"

I briefly look around to see if he's actually talking to me. That's not the response I was expecting. "Uhm…yes?"

"If your sole purpose was to come by and tell me your intentions, it seems like we are done here," he says as he looks back down at the folder on his desk, "Goodbye, Miss Rizzoli."

"_Detective,"_ I all but growl out as I stand to walk to the door. I really don't fucking understand how he could be so passive—care so fucking little—about someone as amazing as his daughter. I'd kill for her to be happy. Hell, I already have. But the only thing her parents can think of is making themselves happy. That is so fucked up. _So _fucked up.

I open the door and turn back around to face him. "You may not like me or the relationship I have with Maura, but she's your daughter. Any good parent would want their child to be happy, regardless of the cost."

He still hasn't looked up from that goddamn folder. Son of a bitch. "She would be right by your side if you asked her to be because she is such a good person. But you can't even fucking tell her you're sorry. That's bullshit and you know it."

"Goodbye, _Detective,"_ he says without looking up. What a fucking douchebag. I don't even know how Maura turned out as good as she did with parent's this fucking heartless. And there's not a damn thing I can do or say to change them. I shake my head and slam the door as I walk out to my car. I have a lunch to get to, no since in wasting any more of my time here.

…..

"Hey," I whisper into Maura's ear as I wrap my arms around her waist from behind. She instantly tenses and throws an elbow right to where I got shot. Luckily, I dodge it but not without having to brace myself against the counter from the pain of moving so quickly. "Jesus, Maura. You should watch what you're doing with those things."

She instantly turns around from the refrigerator and gasps as she raises my shirt to make sure I'm not bleeding to death or something. "Or perhaps you shouldn't sneak up on me like that." She drops my shirt back down and looks up at me. "I thought you were going to call me? You know you shouldn't drive while you're on those painkillers, Jane."

Yeah, okay. Not my best move. After watching me literally die, I shouldn't make her worry about me crashing because I'm a dumbass. "I know. I'm sorry. I was just ready to be back here with you."

That brings a smile to her face. "Really?"

"Yeah," I reach and pull her in for a kiss, "Really."

She leans back and I look at her face. She's so fucking beautiful I can hardly stand it. Her smile does a little drop and she starts playing with the hem of my shirt, nervously. Something is up with her, I can tell. She catches me watching her and pulls back her hands. "Jane, there's," she looks down at the ground, the sink, anything but me, "There's something I'd like to talk to you about."

I lean back against the counter behind me. Those words rarely ever mean anything good. I probably just made an ass of myself in front of her father. I can't believe I just told him I was going to ask her to marry me when she's about to dump me. I feel like such a fucking idiot right now. Goddamnit. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

"I just," she takes a deep breath to steel herself, "I just wanted to know if you'd like to move in with me. You've been here for the past two weeks, anyway, so it's almost as if—"

My laughter cuts off her breathless rambling and she looks up confused. I reach over and pull her against me as tight as I can. "I'm sorry for laughing, Maura. I just…I really thought you were about to break up with me."

Her head instantly jerks up. "What? Why would you think that, Jane?"

"Well, I have been a little bit of a whiney bitch lately," I say with a smile. I can't even deny that it's kind of true and neither can she.

"I probably shouldn't respond to that." She does this breathy laugh that I love so much. It's like she's fucking singing it. I don't even know how she does it.

I lean in and kiss her a little more than innocently. Her tongue slips in and runs across the roof of my mouth. I bite at her lip and then suck it into my mouth. She starts to moan, but pulls back. "So? Will you move in with me?"

I do want to live with her, wake up beside her, cook for her. But I don't want to move in _here _with her. I feel like I'd think I was moving into _her _home, not _our _home. But it's not like I can really tell her that and expect her not to want to go house hunting together or something. And I really don't want to do that until after we get engaged—assuming she says yes. Shit. But she's looking at me with her 'please, Jane, I really want this' puppy dog eyes and I can't tell her that we should wait. I can't deny her and she knows it. Maybe I'll let her know how I feel and we can buy a house together after I grow some balls and ask her to marry me.

I press my forehead's together and brush my lips across hers. "Yeah, Maur. You're stuck with me, remember?"

She smiles against my lips. "I wouldn't want to be stuck with anyone else."

…..

**This will delve into Jane's thoughts on marriage in a later chapter. I don't want it to seem like it was just haphazardly thrown in there!**

**And I think I'm starting another fic now, too. I'm gonna see if I can write three chapters of it first. If I can't, then I won't even bother with it. **

**Tell me whatcha think! xx**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Greatly appreciated. They really encourage me.**

**Sorry it took so long, had to overcome a small bout of writer's block. I can see how I want it to end up, I'm just having problems getting there. Thanks for still reading (:**

**Possible Rape trigger in this chapter.**

**xxxxxx**

"Finally. I never thought we'd get done unpacking my stuff," I say as I fall back down on her bed. _Our_ bed. Shit. I'm never going to get the hang of this. I really can't wait till we have a place that I really can call ours.

She crawls up and straddles my hips, mindful not to get anywhere near where I got shot. Even though I act like it doesn't hurt, it still does every now and then and she knows it. She pulls my shirt up enough to where she can rest her palms against my bare stomach. "Yes, it did take a while with all of your protests," she says with a smirk.

My eyes get wide and I pretend to be offended. "I did not! How rude."

She just laughs and runs her fingernails over my stomach. I break out in goosebumps every damn time she does it. "What do you think we should do now that we're done?"

I must admit she's looking sexy as hell in my sweats and tshirt, but there's something I want to try first. Something I want to give her to know just how much I trust and care about her. To let her know how much I've invested in our relationship. "I have an idea," I say as I sit up and pull her to the bathroom.

…..

I'm standing in front of the mirror behind the sink, naked from my shirt down. I feel Maura behind me. I can tell she's trying not to touch my back because she thinks it'd just be too much for me to handle right now. And honestly, it probably would be. I open my eyes and catch her gaze in the mirror.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to, Jane."

I know I don't have to do this. Hell, I'm not even sure if I _really_ want to. But I do know that I _really _want to try this for her. She's stuck with me through all of my fucked up shit, the least I can do is do this one thing for her. Especially now that we're honest to god living together. I never thought I'd see the day. Just goes to show you how special she is.

She stays behind me, but reaches her arm down in front of me so I can see everything she's doing if I want to look. I've done really fucking well about letting my control issues go, but it's getting the best of me. I just feel so fucking vulnerable.

I place my hand on top of hers and guide her hand between my legs. As soon as her hand comes in contact with me, I tense up. I take a deep breath and will myself to keep going. It's just Maura, I'm going to be fine._ I'm going to be fine. _I slowly start working our hands back and forth against me. She lets me set the pace because she's too fucking good for me and knows exactly what I need. And for this to work, I'm gonna need a little semblance of control.

After a while of guiding her hand back and forth, I know we're gonna have to do it soon before I chicken out. I let go of her hand but she doesn't stop rubbing me. I can feel the unspoken words in the air before they come out.

"Jane, do you trust me?"

And I nod because I do fucking trust her. She stills her hand and I know she wants me to look at her. So I open my eyes and glance at her in the mirror. And all I see is love. Concern. Support. It's written all over her face so I don't even know why I'm fucking scared.

"We can stop anytime, Jane. All you have to do is say the word. You know that, don't you?" All I can fucking do is nod my head.

"I'll listen to you when you say stop, Jane. I'm not like _him. _I want to do this _for _you, not _to _you. Okay?"

Dear, God. This woman knows my fucked-up self better than I do sometimes. I take a deep breath.

"Okay."

I feel one of her fingers at my entrance, circling, waiting for me to give the go ahead. I look her right in the eye.

"Do it."

I drop my head down and close my eyes as I feel her finger slowly go inside me. My body immediately tenses and I clutch the edge of the sink like it's my best fucking friend in the entire world. Her finger stays still and her other hand rubs my arm, letting me know it's just her and this is out of love and she's not going to hurt me.

"It's just me, Jane. We can stop at any time."

I don't open my eyes as I say, "Keep going."

She slowly works her finger in and out. The first few times feel fucking awful since I haven't let anyone touch me like this since _him. _Slowly I feel my body start to relax as she keeps moving in that slow-as-fuck pace. I want her to go faster, but I can't say it out loud since _He_ made me beg to go faster so many times. So I reach down and grab her wrist and make her to go a little quicker. Just having that tiny bit of control lets me finally relax all the way into this.

After a few of those faster strokes, my legs shaking and I know I'm gonna come soon. And I'm fucking scared. _He _poked and prodded me with things most couldn't even imagine, so there's no fucking way this should be feeling as good as it is right now. An overwhelming wave of disgust and guilt hits me like a shit-ton of bricks and I start crying like a fucking baby. Of course.

"Stop!" I manage to croak out.

And just like she promised, she does stop. As soon as I say it. I'm still clinging onto the lip of the sink like it's my damn lifeline. Maura comes to my side and pries my hands free. She pulls me to her and I bury my face into her neck like I never wanna see the fucking sun again. I'm full out sobbing now all because of that fucking bastard who fucked me up beyond compare. But it doesn't matter. Maura didn't run. She has pulled me down to the ground and into her lap. She's holding me almost as tight as I'm holding on to her. I feel so bad about not even being able to do this one damn thing for her when she's done so much for me. I feel so unbelievably guilty.

"Jane, it's okay. You tried. You tried for _me_. And that means so much to me. So, don't feel guilty or ashamed. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere because you _tried. _Just like you said you would."

I swear she's a fucking mind reader sometimes. But she's right, I did try. I never would've tried for anyone else. That says a lot. If I wasn't in love with her before, this fucking proves it.

I nod my head against her shoulder and try to get my body to stop shaking. "I love…you," I manage to get out through a few broken sobs.

She presses her lips to my temple and runs a hand through my hair. "I love you too, Jane. We'll get through this. We'll get through it _together."_

I pray to God that she's fucking right. I have to make it through this. How can I honestly expect her to marry me when I can't even give all of myself to her?

She starts rocking us back and forth and singing a song in one of the 8435 languages she knows. When I think of her, I can't help but put her on a pedestal and make her out to be absolutely perfect.

But oh my god. She's terribly off tune. Really, truly awful. A dying cat could sing better than she can. I know I shouldn't, but I can't even help but start laughing.

I'm afraid I hurt her feelings when she stops singing, but she just starts laughing with me. Now the only reason it's harder to breathe is because we're laughing so much.

Seeing her with her head tilted back just a little, shoulders shaking, tears forming at her eyes from laughing so hard—I know she's right. We will get through this. Maybe not today, but someday. We always do.

…..

**What should happen next? I do need an idea or two, feel free to let me know. **


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Thank you for the lovely reviews! Please keep it up. They really encourage me and that tends to make me write faster. It's like crack or something. You're all wonderful! (:**

**Sorry for taking so long on this one. It's officially my 20****th**** bday and I'm in my aunts wedding so I go fake nails. Needless to say,typing is fucking hard with these on so excuse my errors. Thanks!**

**And I have a thing for Sassy Maura after Tuesday's episode, so…yeah.**

**And sexxxy times at the end. Not your thing? Skip it, yo.**

**xxxxxxxx**

Maura's down on her hands and knees, fingers gripping at the hardwood floor. Granted, she's looking for something under the bed…but, I'll take it. It's still a pretty good fucking visual. She finally lets out an exasperated huff and stands up. "Are you sure you haven't seen my ring, Jane?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The last time I saw it was when you had it on yesterday." Lies. It's in my pocket.

She narrows her eyes and scans my face, doing that facial recognition shit she's so good at. Too bad she doesn't know how well I've gotten at lying in the past couple of years. My face gives away nothing—just like I planned— so she stomps off to the bathroom and starts looking around her 294 hair products on the counter. "Maura, we're gonna be late for work. Let's go."

She pokes her head out of the bathroom and puts on her best pouting face. "But, Janeee," she gives the slightest tap of her heel against the floor as she drags out my name, "I wear it everyday. I can't leave here without it."

It's all I can do not to laugh and roll my eyes at her outburst. She's so sassy sometimes and I can't help but love it. "Maybe you forgot to put it back on after that autopsy and you left it at work. So…let's go to work and find it."

I make big sweeping motions towards the stairs as she finally comes out of the bathroom. She grabs her bag and pushes my arms back down to my sides as brushes past me. "Doing that accomplishes nothing, Jane."

"Oh, really," I say as I start smacking at her butt on our way down the stairs. I can't even resist myself sometimes. "Looks like it worked to me."

She throws me a smile over her shoulder as we walk out the door. I won this round and she knows it. I could get used to this. Too bad it probably won't ever fucking happen again.

….

Once Maura got in the elevator to go to the morgue, I slink off to my car after getting Korsak to cover me for a little bit. As I pull up to this fancy ass little jeweler on Newbury Street, my hands finally start to sweat and I start to panic. Am I ready for this? Hell, are _we _ready for this?

I take a deep breath and run my hands over my face. Even if we aren't ready now, I'm pretty sure we will be ready one day. So there's no harm in buying it now and waiting for the right time, right? Shit. When the hell did I become so indecisive?

I walk up to the counter and start looking at the rings. This is so fucking hard. She's going to wear this for the rest of her life, I can't get something shitty. And she's Maura fucking Isles. Her parents own a mansion and her outfits cost more than my rent used to. Maybe I should just give her a ring made out of a twist tie and hope for the best. I don't see anything I get living up to what I know she deserves.

A young girl that's dressed to the nines walks up to me and smirks as she looks me up and down. I know exactly what she's thinking and it pisses me the hell off. She watches as I shake my head at a ring that costs over 80 grand. No fucking way. Maura's perfect and all, but that's just overkill.

"You do know," she says as she points out the door, "there's a pawn shop across the street that carries rings more likely to be something you can afford."

She starts to laugh until I shoot her a look that makes her instantly freeze. No one fucks around with me like that. She nervously starts busying herself with adjusting the cuffs on her blazer. "Um, what's," she clears her throat, "What's your price range, Officer?"

I clench my jaw a few times and narrow my eyes. She's lucky I didn't chew her the fuck out and show her who's in charge of who. "Detective," I snarl out. I'm not even going to pretend to be nice to her now. I scan the glass casings once more and tap my finger on the top of it. "I was thinking around eleven."

She scoffs. "Eleven hundred dollars? We certainly don't carry—"

"Eleven _thousand_, babe." Clearly stunned, her mouth drops. I know it's not much when it comes to the fancy ass people who come in here every day, but it's a hell of a lot for a detective and she knows it. But, what can I say? You can save up a shit ton of money when you only buy food and booze for five years.

I scan the glass and finally find one that looks just like something she would wear. "That one," I say as I tap on the glass, trying extra hard to leave finger prints.

"Ah," she bends down and picks it up, "This is our 18 karat white gold 3 stone vintage ring. The center diamond weighs—"

"—Later that same day," I huff out. It's not like I know what the hell she's talking about anyway.

She narrows her eyes at me, clearly flustered. What can I say? I have a knack for that. "Do you know what size she wears?"

"No idea," I say as I pull her ring from my pocket, "This is hers though, so you can figure it out."

She drops it on these fake plush finger stick things until one fits and hands it back to me. "Okay, we should be able to have this ready in no more than two weeks. Do you want anything inscribed in it?"

I smirk and nod. "Actually, yeah. I do."

….

"Hey, Maura, I found your ring," I say as I walk into the morgue.

She looks up from the open body on the table and her eyes get huge as I hold it up. She quickly pulls off those overly-purple gloves and walks over to me. "I've looked everywhere for that! Where did you find it?"

I just shrug my shoulders, trying to play it off as it's no big deal. "I went in your office to find you and it was just lying on the floor."

She narrows her eyes and slips it on her finger. "I looked for it in my office twice this morning, Jane."

I lean over and kiss her pouty lips. "And that's why I'm the detective and you're not."

"Clearly." Jesus, what has gotten into her today. So snarky.

She pulls a cloth over the body and leads me to her office where we sit on her hard as fuck couch. She starts fidgeting with her dress and twisting her ring around her finger. At least I'll know when she's nervous now. "Maura, out with—"

"—I told your mother we would come over for dinner tonight since we had to miss Thanksgiving with your family while you were recovering," she says in one breath with eyes as big as saucers.

Damnit.

"Maur-uhhh, why would you do that?"

My arms are flailing all over the place so she at least knows I'm not really mad. Then I'd just be all bitchy and silent. I don't think I'll ever be like that towards her, though. She smiles and lays her head over on my lap. I'm surprised she doesn't care about wrinkles or some shit like she normally does. "I enjoy spending time with your family, Jane. It's oddly refreshing."

I run my fingers through her hair and she hums and closes her eyed. I'm really fucking glad she likes me doing this because I don't think I'll ever get over how hers feels like silk and mine is like a fucking horse mane. I feel kind of bad keeping her from my family after that whole camping ordeal now that her parents no longer speak to her. If she wants to be part of my weird-ass family, that's her prerogative.

After a few more minutes of running my hands through her curls, she opens her eyes and sits up. "Jane?"

Oh God I hope this isn't a fucking lecture about how I shouldn't transfer the oils on my hands to her hair at work. One of those discussions was enough. "Yeah?"

She tilts her head to the side in that cute as hell way that I love. "How many sexual partners have you had?"

I forget how fucking blunt she can be sometimes. I almost choke on my spit and my face instantly feels hot from the blush creeping up my neck. This certainly isn't a conversation I was ever going to bring up. I don't think I can handle knowing how many people have touched her. I nervously scratch at my temple and take a deep breath. This is going to be tons of fucking fun. "Um, plenty I guess."

What the fuck else am I supposed to say? I have no idea how many. There was a ton of fucking girls I went through in the five years after him before I met Maura.

"How many is 'plenty'?"

I shrug my shoulders and throw my hands up. "I don't know, Maura. I didn't keep count or anything. I'm not that crazy."

Her shoulders fall and she immediately looks away. Damnit, she's kept count. I grasp her chin and lift her face to look at me. "You know I didn't mean it like that, Maura. You're not crazy. Just…very well organized."

"That's one way of putting it," she laughs. But then her face goes all serious again. "Will you at least make an estimate for me?"

I roll my eyes. She's not going to let this go. "Maura, you are against all things not scientifically related. You won't even tell me when something is clearly blood. Why would you want me to guess?"

All she does is put on a pout and her best puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

Shit. Might as well get this over with. "I don't know. Maybe between…40 and 60?" If you subtract the ones before him, that's only about ten people a year when you think about it. Considering how many times I would go to the bar to pick peopleup, it's really not that fucking bad. I still cringe when I say it, though.

Oddly enough, she doesn't even look phased. Which might mean she's secretly plotting my demise. She's smart enough for that shit, I'm never going to underestimate her. "You know, after all that happened with him…it just helped me feel in control of things, if that makes sense? Like I was in control of what they were feeling, even if it was only for a little while." I finally look away from her. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of admitting that out loud. I can't believe I fucking used people like that. "I know that's awful, you don't have to tell me."

"Jane," she reaches over and starts running her fingers across the scar on my palm, "I'm not going to tell you it's awful, because it's not. It was your way of coping and I understand that."

I look over and see nothing but compassion and sincerity in her eyes. "Really?"

"Yes, Jane. I was only wondering because sometimes I feel as though I'm much less experienced and much less," her face turns a bright shade of scarlet, "skilled than you are."

I can't even help but start laughing. She's _plenty _skilled. At least 10 times better than anyone I've ever been with. "You definitely don't have to worry about that." I wink and nudge her side like a twelve year old. "I'll even show you some of my advanced techniques tonight…if you're lucky."

She laughs and stands up to walk back into the morgue. "At your mother's house? Most likely not, Jane."

…..

Holy shit. One of Ma's new neighbors came over to join us for our 'almost two weeks late Thanksgiving' and it's like Frankie and Tommy are having a pissing contest to vie for her attention. If Frost we're here, they'd most likely be having a foursome on the fucking table.

Damnit. Now I'm picturing a foursome including my brothers and Frost. This shit just isn't even right. I down what's left of my fourth beer as Maura wobbly walks back from the kitchen and hands me my fifth. She's already finished ¾ of a bottle of wine on her own, it's just that fucking unbearable.

"Hey, Jane, tell Lana about that one time I hot-wired a car in less than fifteen seconds and—"

"—No, no, no. Tell her about the time I took down that suspect with an explosive strapped to his chest!"

"Well how about that time I…"

All I can do is roll my eyes and watch this fucking train wreck. Poor Lana is just sitting there wide eyed and very amused. Ma is sitting at the table with her mouth dropped open and eyes darting back and forth, clearly not believing how fucking weird her sons are acting.

Maura just keeps pouring herself wine and trying not to laugh. Oddly refreshing, my ass. She tips the wine bottle completely upside down, willing the last drop to come out. She's so fucking cute I can hardly stand it sometimes. Her hand squeezes my thigh and she whispers out of the side of her mouth, "I'm out of wine, Jane. What should we do?"

Tommy starts to lift up his shirt and I know shit is about to get good. "Just keep watching," I whisper back.

He raises his shirt to his neck and points at the worst fucking tattoo I've ever seen. "I got this bad boy in the slammer when—"

"Thomas Anthony Rizzoli," Ma shouts as she shoots up from her chair, "put your shirt down, right now!"

Maura takes my beer from my hand and starts drinking it, but I hardly notice because Ma is now stomping over to Tommy, eyes ablaze. She yanks his ear and starts pulling him to the kitchen. "How dare you do that at my table! Of all the things…"

Her voice is drowned out by the sound of Maura's laughter mixing with mine. We are so tipsy and it fucking shows. Lana stands up and gives us a hesitant smile. "I'm just gonna," she says as she points to the door.

I just nod and wave at her and try to stop laughing as Frankie jumps up like a fucking three year old. "It's only right that a gentleman walks you to the door, ya know."

That just makes us laugh even harder. He just referred to himself as a fucking gentleman, what the fuck. Ma hears the door shut and walks back in to the table. She glares at me and Maura until we stop laughing and try to act innocent.

"Don't think I'm pleased with your behavior either, young lady."

I scoff and raise my eyebrows. "What the hell did—"

"Upstairs. Now."

We just sit and stare at her. What the fuck is going on. She points to the stairs with an expression I know not to fuck with. "Both of you!"

I grab Maura's hand and drag her to the stairs. I hate being told what to do and I'm not fucking happy about this. I don't even know where the fuck we're going.

Well, until Ma comes up behind us and pushes us into the spare bedroom. "Ma, what're we—"

"You're both drunk, Jane! So, you're staying here."

"Ma," I roll my eyes and slap my hand to my face, "We'll just call a cab."

She smacks my arm as she walks around me and starts putting a blanket on the ground beside the bed. "Nonsense, Janie. My house is perfectly fine. I'll even cook you breakfast in the morning."

I scowl at Maura as she starts to giggle before looking back over at Ma. She's making a fucking palette on the floor. What the actual hell. We aren't 15 anymore.

"Ma, Maura is not sleeping on the floor. The bed is plenty big enough for the both of us."

She gasps as if that was the most offensive thing she has ever heard. "I would never make Maura sleep on the floor! This is for _you_."

"What? No way. We shared a tent during the camping trip, Ma. I'm not sleeping on the floor."

She waves her hand in the air as she starts fluffing the pillow. "No one has sex in the woods, Jane. I wasn't worried about that then. This is my house and I'd rather not know that my children are messing around in it."

My face heats up as I remember we _did _actually have sex in the woods and we were almost caught. Jesus Christ. She always has to bring up shit like this. I go to say something, but Maura opens the door and smiles. "Thank you, Angela. That's very considerate of you."

Ma scowls at me before kissing Maura on the cheek and walking out to the hall to her room. Maura shuts the door and does this cute little tipsy smile thing that I've seen way too many times.

I walk over and sit on the edge of the bed and start taking off my shoes. "There's no way I'm sleeping on the floor tonight, Maura."

"Oh no," she shakes her head as she unzips her dress and it falls to the floor, "you're definitely not."

I strip down to my bra and underwear and she walks over and straddles my lap. She bites at my earlobe and pulls back, her damp breath is hot against my ear. "I was wondering if you could," one of her hands trails down my back and unclasps my bra and the other comes up and tangles in my hair, "show me some of your a_dvanced_ techniques, Detective."

Tipsy Maura is officially one of my favorites. "You bet your sweet ass I can," I say as I flip us over to where she's on her back below me.

I start licking and biting at her neck as she starts trying to thrust her hips up towards me. I push her bra up and starts squeezing one of her tits. She moans so loud I'm pretty sure they heard her in China. Sober Maura is loud, this Maura is definitely louder. I pull back and pretend to be annoyed.

"Maura, you have to be quiet. My mother is on the other side of that wall and I don't want her running in here."

"Okay," she whispers with a devilish grin. Before I know it, she's worked her way out of her frilly as hell panties and shoved them in her mouth. I can hear her start to suck against them and I almost fucking lose it. I never know what to expect with her and I fucking love that.

"Mmmf," she moans out, causing me to focus and start licking my way down her body until I'm directly above her center. Her feet dig into the bed and her legs spreading open as far as they will go—begging me, putting herself on display.

I love the way she tastes, the way she smells. But she wants something new tonight, so that's what she'll get. I push two fingers into her, searching for that one place that'll get her going. You learn a lot of fucking things after being with so many people.

She lets out another stifled moan as her back arches and her hips jerk completely off the bed once I find it. I use my free hand to push against her stomach and hold her down on the bed as I start working my fingers inside her. I use quick, short strokes to start tapping, rubbing, pressing against it.

Her legs are jerking open and closed and her stomach muscles are clenching under my hand as her body tries to either hurry up and come or fight it off just to keep feeling as good as it is right now. She has handfuls of the bedspread clenched in her fists. Her eyes are closed and her head is arched back towards the pillows. She's more beautiful like this than I've ever fucking seen her.

My fingers are moving inside her so fast—almost vibrating. I lean down and use my tongue to tentatively flick her clit and her whole body lifts off the bed as she gives a strangled whimper. Clearly, she can't handle me doing that again.

I pull my face back and use my hand to push her harder down on against the bed. She's so fucking close, so ready, that she's about to cry if she doesn't come soon. But her body is fighting it, trying not to let go just yet.

"Mmf nam mmn," she sobs out through her underwear as her knees knock together and then fall back open. Her body is covered with sweat and her chest is heaving up and down. My hand is starting to cramp from moving so fast, but there's no fucking way I'm about to stop now.

"Shh…hold still…just relax…you have to relax, Maura. Just relax and give into it," I whisper as I force my fingers to go harder, faster against that same spot even if my arm is starting to feel like fucking jelly.

She finally listens and her body loosens up beneath me. Not for long though. A few more taps inside her and she yells out, pushing up on her feet so that her arms and the back of her head are the only things still in contact with the bed until she falls back down against it.

I feel the liquid come out into my hand, covering her thighs. I try to keep going, but she jerks back so hard she pulls herself away from me. She finally calms down enough to where there's just a random twitch of her leg or clench of her stomach. I reach up and pull the underwear out of her mouth—they didn't help one fucking bit, even if it was fucking hot—and toss them off the side of the bed.

She doesn't open her eyes as she lazily pats the bed beside her. "That was…I never…Jane, please."

I laugh and lay down beside her. There's nothing better than turning her brain into fucking mush. I pull her to where she's halfway laying on top of me. I feel her breath against me and her finger tracing one of my nipples. Such a fucking tease. "That's one I'll definitely have to learn, Jane."

My body stiffens up as I remember our last attempt at doing something like that to me. I nod even though she can't see me and draw patterns on her cool skin with my finger. "Maybe one day."

"We'll get there, Jane," she says as she turns just to where she can brush her lips against my sternum.

"You can't lie, so I guess I have to believe you, right?"

She nods her head and yawns. I tighten my grip around her. There's no telling where I'd be right now if she hadn't come into my life. I'm so fucking lucky to have her. "I love you, Maura."

I feel her cheeks move as she smiles. "I love—"

Her head pops up and her eyes are as wide as they can get. "Jane, how are we going to explain this mess to your mother?"

….

…

Yes? No? Please let meh know. Leave a review as a birthday gift to me, if you'd like (:

If not, I'll still update. No worries.

Sorry for killing your soul with my most recent one shot. May write another chapter for it so everyone doesn't hate me as much.

And this has about 2-4 more chapters and then...SEQUEL. yes, yes.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Thank you for your great support in this and reviews! This is the last chapter for this, BUT I already have a chapter or two written for the sequel. So don't worry, I'll get it posted by the end of the week. I hope this is okay and up to par, please let me know! **

**Also, tell me some of the things you might possibly want to see in the next if you want! I love hearing your ideas. They might even make an appearance (:**

**xxxxxx**

It finally happened. It took more time and tears than I'd like to count, but it finally happened. On Christmas eve, no less. Last night, Maura finally got me. All of me. And two days before that, I got the ring. So we're ready. I _know_ we're ready. Hopefully.

We just have to make it through Christmas with my mother.

Fortunately, we both had to work until 4 today, so we got to miss all of Ma's craziness, Frankie's whining about how his Christmas pajamas are too short and girly, and Tommy's incessant flirtation with Maura. Granted, he's gotten better about it but it still pisses me off when he so much as looks at her.

Maura's fingers thread their way between mine and squeeze as we walk up the front steps. She has a massive gift bag for Ma, but she refuses to tell me what's in it. It's probably something good, though, 'cause it's no 50 cent gift bag from Walmart. Hell, she probably had it shipped from France or some shit. No telling what the hell she put in it. If it's something to 'aid in her libido because she's getting older' I will kill myself. One talk about that was enough.

I raise my arm to open the door, but almost lose my balance as she wraps her arms around my waist and pulls herself flush against me. It's freezing out here, but I'd stay like this forever if I could. Even after working all day, her hair still smells like vanilla and her makeup is perfect. How she does it, I'll never know. The bag probably starts to get heavy in her grip so she gives me one final squeeze before dropping her arms.

Her cheeks are red from more than just being cold. Or I'd like to think so, anyway. Her eyes are watery and she's giving me the biggest smile I've ever seen. My heart even clenches. I love seeing her smile like that.

"Thank you for letting me be a part of this, Jane. My family….well," her eyes flick away from mine so briefly I hardly catch it, "Well, it just wasn't like this. So, thank you."

Once again, I'm reminded of why I want to go kill her parents for treating her like shit. "Come 'ere," I say as I take the bag from her hand and pull her back against me. "Don't thank me for this. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love you every day. I love you, my family loves you, and you are _always_ welcome here with us. Understand?"

She sniffs and nods against me before pulling away and taking back the bag. I reach up to fix some of her hair that wooled against my shirt, but I end up pulling her in for a semi-heated kiss. It only stops when I feel how cold the tip of her nose is and remember we are standing outside in the middle of the fucking winter. I pull back and run my fingers over her reddened cheeks and smile at her. I can't wait to officially make sure she's always going to be in my life and I'm in hers. "I love you and all, but we really should get inside before Ma thinks we're dry humping on the porch."

Maura laughs and gives me her best coy look. "Considering what happened the last time we were here, I highly doubt she would be surprised if we were."

I wag my eyebrows at her. "Maura Isles, was that a guess?"

She gasps—shocked—and reaches for the door knob. "It most certainly was not."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was," I say as we walk inside. For once, I'd like to have the last word. Even if it is in a play argument.

"Hmm…whatever you say, Jane." And of course, I never get the last word. But when she's as beautiful as she is, how could I really care? She can have the last word any day.

For the only time I can remember in my whole damn life, the house smells like cinnamon and pine needles on Christmas instead of food. And that's only because called ahead and told her we couldn't stay long so she shouldn't cook. She almost flipped her shit, but I finally convinced her after telling her there was an important reason why and I'd tell her once we got here. Not my best plan.

She hears us taking off our coats and shoes in the hall and walks towards us so fast I think I should probably hide. I haven't even told her, and she knows what's up. Great.

She pulls Maura in for a hug and then smacks me on the arm. "Jane! How could you make her stand outside like that for so long? She's freezing," she grabs Maura's arm and starts to pull her towards the living room, "I taught you better than that, Jane. Have some manners."

Of course. I'm always the one at fault. She knows how to push my buttons better than anybody else, I swear.

Maura sits on the couch—definitely more prim and proper than she does when it's just us, even when I tell her this is her family now, too, and she could sit sprawled eagle for all anyone in this weird ass family cares—and I put my horribly wrapped gift on the couch beside her.

"Sit tight, I'll be right back," I say as kiss the top of her hair and follow Ma down the hall into the kitchen.

Ma leans against the counter and starts rubbing her hands together in front of her. Legitimately rubbing her hands together like a three year old. I've never seen her smile like this in my entire life. It's making me nervous. She tilts her head and cranes her neck towards me. "So…"

"I'm, uh…" Suddenly my fingernails have become very interesting. I look up and she's wringing her hands and her eyes are already starting to water. She already knows, I might as well spit it out. "I'm going to askMauratomarryme," I ramble out in one quick whisper.

Ma literally shrieks and wraps herself around me. Then starts jumping us both up and down. What the hell. I can't even make this shit up.

"Oh, Janie," she says as she pulls back and wipes the tears from her cheeks. She puts her hands around my arms and gives a little squeeze. "After all you've been through, after everything….I'm just so proud of you. The one thing a mother wants is for her children to be happy. These last few years were hard for all of us. I really wasn't sure you'd find it, Jane. But now…now I can see that you really have."

She leans up and kisses my cheek. "Don't ever sell yourself short and think you don't deserve this, Jane. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be happy with _her._"

Even when I tried to pretend it wasn't there, this was always at the back of my mind—nagging at me, tormenting me. Was I good enough for her? Could she do better? Chances are…yeah, she could do better in terms of someone with good money or social standing or whatever. But, I've finally started to realize she would never get someone that understood her as much as I do. Someone that completes her as much as she completes me. And Ma believes that too, I can see it in her eyes. This isn't just some bullshit a mother tells her child. She means it and that gives me the push I need. I can do this.

"Thanks, Ma."

She smiles and gives me a small swat on my arm as she walks back into the living room. She knows my 'thanks' was much more than a 'thank you' for her pep talk. It was a thank you for reassuring me, believing in me, and so much more. She may know how to push my buttons better than anyone else, but at times like these…I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I pick up the box and hand it to Ma before sitting down as close as I can next to Maura. There's more than enough room for me to not be pressed up against her this closely, but by the way she pulls my arm on her lap and runs her fingers across my skin, I don't think she minds very much. Her warmth, her smile, her smell, the lights on the tree twinkling in the corner, the smile on Ma's face as she sits down across from us…it just feels so _right_ that I almost start to cry.

To think that I almost missed out on this unbelievable happiness—that I almost shut her out like everyone else after _him—_unnerves me to the point that I fake a yawn to cover up the watering of my eyes. I never want to let go of this feeling. I really hope I never have to.

Ma opens my horribly wrapped box and pulls out a coat she's wanted for _months. _It's nothing as expensive as something Maura would buy, but it was still just out of Ma's price range. She couldn't justify spending more than a hundred dollars on a coat. Especially after Pop left. But, she would still walk past Bourgoni's every single day and look at that coat in the window. I just had to get it for her.

And by the size of her smile, I'm glad I did. "I didn't think you knew I wanted this, Jane. But, it's too much."

I laugh and shake my head. "Ma, someone would have to be blind to not see how much you wanted that thing. And no, it's not. You deserve it."

She gives me a knowing smile as she remembers what she said in the kitchen about me. And, she does deserve this. She blamed herself for over a year about Pop leaving, even though it had nothing to do with her. She's just as self-deprecating as much as I am. Hell, maybe it runs in the family.

Maura leans over and hands Ma the bag and I hold my breath. I've never been this worried about a gift before. I swear this better not be about my mother's sex life.

Ma starts struggling with the strings as she tries to open it. Leave it to Maura to child-proof a gift bag.

"It's stain resistant, so it'll be much better than the one you already have," Maura says as Ma still tries to pluck at the strings.

Stain resistant? Better than the one Ma already has? Oh god. It's a fucking dildo or vibrator or something. I just know it.

"The dips and contours are not only aesthetically pleasing, but also feels quite pleasant against the skin." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This cannot be happening. Someone needs to fucking save me.

Ma finally gets the damn bag open and I hesitantly open one eye. I know I should have a little more faith in Maura, but I'm scared. I never want to think about what Ma may or may not find pleasing.

I open both eyes as Ma starts laughing and pulls a bedspread out of the bag. Not where I saw this going, but I'm not complaining.

"It's imported from Italy and made with the finest silk available." I give Maura's hand a squeeze. She's too fucking generous sometimes. No telling what that cost her. "I thought since Jane and I ruined the last one, it was only fair of me to replace it."

And it's back to sex. I knew it wouldn't _just _be a bedspread. I lean my head against the back of the couch and rub my face. "Maur-uhh, why—"

"—It's nice to see that at least one of you was sorry," Ma cuts me off with a smug grin on her face. I will never live down that night we had our drunken sex in the guest room. Never. "Thank you, Maura. I love it."

Maura beams. I doubt her mother ever appreciated any of the gifts Maura gave. I really wish I could go back and change a lot for her. It's really not any fair.

Ma walks over to the tree and I lean my head on Maura's shoulder. "You did good, Maur. She really does love it."

Before she can say anything back, Ma plops a box down on each of our laps. They're definitely wrapped better than what I could do.

I already know what it is, but Maura doesn't and I can't wait to see her face. She looks at me and I nod my head—silently telling her to go first. She pulls at the seams, careful not to rip the paper. It's not like it'll be used again, but she has her quirks just like I have mine.

She opens the box and gasps, bringing her hand up to her mouth. A single tear rolls down her cheek as she pulls it from the box and holds the ornament out in front of her.

It's silver, plain, not much to look at. But Ma has gotten them for us every year since we were born. I honestly didn't know she was getting Maura one, but I'm really glad she did.

Mine only says 'Jane Rizzoli' and the current year like always, but not hers. Hers says 'Maura Isles' and right under it—instead of the year –are the words 'Welcome to the family.'

I'm not even concerned about Maura thinking this is about me maybe proposing to her—because she isn't. This is so much more than that to her. I've told her she was a part of my family, but until now it had never really sank in. Now she gets it though. Even if something happens with us, even if we don't make it past tomorrow…she will always be part of this family because she will always have a spot on that tree. If you're lucky enough to get that, no one is ever going to turn their back on you around here. She'll always be a part of this and no one will ever disown her or belittle her or treat her any less than she deserves. And knowing what I know about her parents, that must mean so much more than I can imagine.

"Thank…you," she manages to sob out as Ma pulls her up and into a hug.

"You're my daughter now. You'll always be part of this family, like it or not."

….

We finally get back home and I give Maura one of her gifts. It's cheesy, not very pretty, and mostly because I broke her favorite coffee mug last week. I went to some pottery shop and painted the words 'I love you' on it in some special paint and they sealed it on. The words are uneven, imperfect—much like myself. The old me would've stayed for hours to make it just right, to try and control the outcome. But, not now. My mug is imperfect and so am I. Maura wouldn't have it any other way.

She laughs and gives me a soft kiss. "I love you, too."

Giving her something like this was just what I needed to ease my nerves. I can do this. I know I can. Maura reaches under the tree to grab a box for me, but I pull her hand back in between mine. "I have one more I want to give you first…if that's okay?"

"Of course it is," she says, the lights from the tree we decorated shining light on her hair as she nods her head. She's beautiful. And she's even more beautiful sitting sideways in my lap under _our _Christmas tree.

I reach behind her and grope around for the sloppily wrapped box I tucked the smaller one in. I finally get it and put it down on her lap. She turns it over and over in her hands.

"I must say that this is the most….unique gift wrapping I have ever seen."

Okay, maybe I went a little heavy on the tape. "Don't be a smartass," I say through a laugh.

"It's better than being a dumb one, don't you think?" Her eyes are dancing in that playful way I love so much. She's had a good night. I only hope this makes it better.

She finally finds a seam she can grasp into and pulls off the paper. The way she's sitting on me, I can only see the side of her face as she looks down at her lap, but it's enough. She gasps as she takes the lid off the brown box and sees the smaller velvet one inside.

Her hands tremble as she lifts it up without opening it. "At first, I was scared of you. Well, for you. I was scared I would ruin you for the rest of the world. But now," I say as my fingers struggle with it. It finally snaps open and she sucks in a deep breath. I'm really fucking scared she'll say no. "But now, I'm not scared for you anymore. I like to think I made you a little bit better along the way, just like you made me better."

She picks the ring up from the box and reads the inscription inside. A tear rolls down her face and I know she gets how important those two little words are: I'm yours.

I reach up and brush the tear from her cheek. "I mean it, Maura. I'm yours. I'm yours to break, to destroy, to punish, to kiss, to love, to caress, to ignore, to possess, to own. I am yours."

I never thought I'd see the day where I gave over my control so utterly, so completely to someone else. And quite frankly, I don't think she thought I would either. But here I am, telling her that I'm hers. Everything about me belongs to her, too, now. I wouldn't want to belong to anyone else.

She hasn't said anything, so I guess I better ask so I can at least let go of this massive breath I feel like I'm holding in. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Maura Isles, will you—"

"—Wait," she says as she holds a finger up to my lips. I go to say something, but she crawls off me, under the tree, and the back into my lap. "Open this first."

I look at her, warily. This definitely was not how I thought this would pan out. "Oh-kay."

My fingers fumble with her precise as hell wrapping. We are so different, it's astounding. Under the paper is a plain navy blue box. I lift the lid and holy shit. There's a little velvet box inside this one, too. I look up and her and she's smiling and nodding her head with watery eyes.

I open the little box and see a plain silver band. Exactly what I would've picked for myself—she knows me too fucking well. I definitely wasn't expecting this, though. "I—"

"Read the engraving," she says as another happy tear falls from her eye.

I pick up the ring and look inside. In Maura's perfect handwriting are the words "Yours, always."

…

….

**The End. **

**Thoughts? Please tell me. I'll love you for it. **

**And thank you so much for the bday wishes. I 3 you all (:**


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